Beneath December, we mourn

[TojesDolan]

Hey guys. It's been a **** load of time since I posted a song here. How are you? How are the kids? Your current wives are the same as back in the day? Tell me! :)

Anyhow, I've come to notice you've all been out guys. The ol' regs. Even myself. Sloth, APS comes and goes, Happy squirrel. What happened, guys? We were becoming such a good community. Now we have to start oooover. :(

On a more serious subject, here's my latest poem, which is basically 6 poems merged into one. Fear not, because I only took la créme de la cremé and it's still rather crappy. Enjoy, Critique, and be sure I'll critique or have already done it. Cheerzz.

Clover December, eat our sins

Flying lambs in December's darkest skies
gaze wide down to earth,
staring at the shadows we project
right past beyond our eyes.

While we heal our wounds in the morass,
among poisonous crimson clovers,
we lurk through these mud puddles for our
bloodstained blanket, covering
from the whitest snow,
and soothe the afflictions
that once devoured our insides.

I lost the grasp of her hand,
She fled from my arms.

In her eyes I found comfort,
in her arms, dismay,
The failure in my endeavour,
is the grapevine talk that swallows us all.

It was our vice, it is my disease,
It's the shine in her eyes that keeps me in awe.
As we stared the murderous butterflies in the woods,
she devoured their wings
attempting to fly on her own.

Sleep in this still-life for now,
My princess of filth,
Where we remain quiet,
letting the flies encystment
mistify our secret enlightment.

Let's begin once again,
hiding in the morass for old times sake,
so we can mourn as one,
standing in the stile,
looking down to earth
like flying lambs in December's darkest skies.

[SubtleDagger]

You need someone to edit your pieces. I mean like full-on proofreading.

If that's one of the big reasons you put them here that's fine, I'm just saying that you either need to have someone edit these or start recognizing syntax problems. I can sort of tell what you're trying to get across but odd grammar errors hinder a lot of the pieces I see from you.

[MidnightHysteria]

Each stanza is terrific on its own, but they don't gel together at all. It's very apparent that this was pieced together.

[TojesDolan]

Yes, that's partially one of my biggest issues while writing. I hardly ever pay attention to what I read twice. I'll try and improve this somehow. With what I've got so far.

>_>

EDIT: Some of the sentences don't make sense together, whatsoever, I was way more focused on trying to link the different pieces somewhat, that I was leaving a lot of context/syntax things out. That and the use of dictionaries don't help.

[Muse_]

Clover December, eat our sins

Flying lambs in December's darkest skies,
view wide down to earth,
staring at the shadows we project,
right pass beyond our eyes.
Hmm. Right pass beyond our eyes is odd. Did you mean right past?
The stanza is okay, but nothing especially jumps out. In a longer song you're going to want to draw the attention right away.

We heal our wounds in the morass,
among poisonous crimson clovers,
lurking through this mud puddles for our
bloodstained blanket, to cover
from cold, and soothe the afflictions
that once devoured our insides.
You've lost the thread of story in your descriptions. They are great descriptions but they don't lead anywhere. This may be your intention, or it may be unavoidable, but I thought I'd point out that the casual observer will not be able to follow this piece.
I suppose meaning can be derived by each individual, but a great song is one that spells things out first, and then allows interpretation.


In her eyes I found comfort,
in her eyes, dismay,
It's her scorn that makes me succomb,
and her sweet voice weakening my lungs,
breathing the frost deluge,
casting shadows of hopeless delusions.
This is better in the story aspect. The style of this stanza, however, does not mesh with the ones before it. I'm guessing this was written seperately or something. I like the lungs part especially. Now I want to write about tissue paper lungs or something.

It was our vice, it is my disease,
It's the shine in her eyes that keeps me in awe.
The failure in my endeavour,
is the grapevine talk that swallows us all.
Grapevine talk that swallows us all could be fantastic, but it seemed to fall a bit flat despite the interesting image it presented.
Good stanza otherwise.

Sleep in this still-life for now,
Where we remain quiet,
letting the flies encystment
purify our misdeeds.
This was also a wee bit confusing. I can derive meaning, but its guaranteedly not the same as anyone else's.
(Still-life:))

Let us begin once more,
Swim in frail dispositions,
Discern in the least important affairs,
so we can mourn as one,
standing from the stile,
looking down to earth
like flying lambs in December's darkest skies.
You've drawn the lambs back in, very nice. This stanza was better than the last two.

This song is difficult to unravel. You've got quite a bit of fantastic imagery and word combination, but you leave too much out. You've stuffed so much description into it that its hard to see past that. I want to plagiarize some of your phrasings, but I won't...because its Christmas.
I like your work. :)

[SubtleDagger]

Well, here:
Flying lambs in December's darkest skies,
view wide down to earth,
staring at the shadows we project,
right pass beyond our eyes.
Incessant and unnecessary commas. The only comma that's needed is the one at the end of the second line. "View wide down to earth" does not make sense. When "view" is a verb it means it's usually followed by a noun, as in to view something. "Right pass beyond our eyes" makes no sense. "Pass right" would make sense. "Right past our eyes" or "Right beyond" would also make sense.
We heal our wounds in the morass,
among poisonous crimson clovers,
lurking through this mud puddles for our
bloodstained blanket, to cover
from cold, and soothe the afflictions
that once devoured our insides.
Get rid of the commas. "This" should be "these". "Cover from cold" is correct, it just has a weird feel to it given the rest of the sentence.
In her eyes I found comfort,
in her eyes, dismay,
It's her scorn that makes me succomb,
and her sweet voice weakening my lungs,
breathing the frost deluge,
casting shadows of hopeless delusions.
Seperate the first two lines differently. Seperate the second from the third as well. "Succumb" and not "succomb". "Frost" is not an adjective. The entire "casting shadows" bit is comprehensively unsound. You say there are two different things casting shadows, which doesn't make sense. I know you're trying to make it a metaphorical thing but it doesn't work structurally.
It was our vice, it is my disease,
It's the shine in her eyes that keeps me in awe.
The failure in my endeavour,
is the grapevine talk that swallows us all.
This is alright aside from all the commas.
Sleep in this still-life for now,
Where we remain quiet,
letting the flies encystment
purify our misdeeds.
Put a "we" before sleep, because putting a verb at the beginning of a sentence means there is an implied "you" as the subject, and that doesn't make sense when you shift to "we". "Flies" needs a possessive apostrophe.
Let us begin once more,
Swim in frail dispositions,
Discern in the least important affairs,
so we can mourn as one,
standing from the stile,
looking down to earth
like flying lambs in December's darkest skies.
Fine aside from commas.

See how annoying this kind of stuff is?

[TojesDolan]

Oh no, please do.

A lot of this phrasing was made separately, that's the reason of the huge void between one and other stanza. The basic ideas was me and teh special lady, hiding in a swamp or something, hiding from the "evil world", but she left, and I try to remember her, thus the memorial parts (in her eyes I found comfort...etc.), just for the sakes of remembering what we had going on.

Nonetheless, they are all different stories and ideas. I made a revision work, considering the syntax issues Burt mentioned, that maybe I skipped due to being a bit rushed because MX was acting the faggiest it has ever behaved.

Nonetheless, thanks a lot. :)

EDIT: thanks a bunch Burt. I have this Punctuation issue that's really a bitch, particularly when trying to write. I'll improve that. Someday. : |

[FA]

black dottttttttttttttttttttttttt

[TojesDolan]

pft I was told bumping caused cancer.