New Short One: Weightless

[MidnightHysteria]

This one's got some music with an atmospheric vibe. Tear it apart.

Her weightless tears, they float
Across the grey sky
Like ashen vessels on an undisturbed sea.
These offspring of her eye,
These sorrowful motes,
They drift upon the wind until they find me.

Her pain is mine tonight.
At last, she can sleep
But instead, she waits, awake, for tomorrow.
She does not want to keep
Looking at the light,
But it's all that comforts her in her sorrow.

She turns to me and sighs
Her breath a cloud of anguish
I try to empathize
But my intentions languish

[DeadReligion]

Weightless tears usually seems cliche, however, the whole floating thing is cool, so I won't bitch. The rhyme scheme was nice The first stanza/verse is my favorite, personally. The second one isn't as good, but, again, I really liked the rhyme scheme. The last verse has good content, bad rhyming. Sorry, I haven't got anything more. 7.5/10.

[FA]

argh, change the color

[white_riot]

think about your ryhming, especially in the last stanza. You really have to change it. First verse was good but after that i wasn't getting into it at all. Your rhyming is awful, but if you redo it a little bit it might sound better. You use some nice words though, so keep it up.

6/10

[MidnightHysteria]

Thanks for the comments, guys. I actually despise the ABAB in the third stanza also, but I actually didn't realize it rhymed at all until the second or third time I went to revise it, and then I couldn't think of more accurate words for what I was trying to convey, so I just left it because content comes before devices (although I hope you notice that I didn't neglect my devices either).

PS. Deadreligion: Weightless tears? Cliché? I've never heard anything similar to the idea before, but okay...

PPS. Justin: Since all you commented on was the color I'm going to assume you liked it ;)

[basskid]

it's sounds pretty good to me. I like the way you described everything, I could picture it in my head easily

[MidnightHysteria]

Thanks man. Good to know somebody appreciates my imagery.

[MidnightHysteria]

bump

[drumass04]

Nice imagery, nice writing. But there's something about it I don't like.

7/10 (I'm in a bit of a stingy mood today, that may change later :P)

[i_need_therapy_17]

Thanks for the comments, guys. I actually despise the ABAB in the third stanza also, but I actually didn't realize it rhymed at all until the second or third time I went to revise it, and then I couldn't think of more accurate words for what I was trying to convey, so I just left it because content comes before devices (although I hope you notice that I didn't neglect my devices either).

PS. Deadreligion: Weightless tears? Cliché? I've never heard anything similar to the idea before, but okay...

PPS. Justin: Since all you commented on was the color I'm going to assume you liked it ;)

do you liked ABAA rhyming in last verse? if so you can replace languish with despised its almost the same thing and sounds better. And i dont think weightless tears is Cliche...all though i did use dry tears in on of my songs and its pretty much the same thing so others have thought of it.

crit "just another puppet" if ya can thx

[MidnightHysteria]

despised: Hated, loathed
languish: To grow weak and frail

How are those at all the same thing?