Rebel Against the Future (Crit for Crit)

[white_riot]

Rebel Against the Future

What lies beneath the surface
Aint going to disappear
No one realises the displeasure
And the ultimate fear
In which, will infect our lives
And slowly kill us
Like a leech attached to your skin
It won’t let go, until it has done its job

You want to be a robot
I want to be a human being
I don’t want to push your buttons
I want you to die

We don’t have to change our lives
Unless you let them, and give in
Our future already looks empty
In the background, they are sneaking in
You poor sods, don’t understand
These machines will kill
Unless we rise above them
And destroy them first

You want to be a robot
I want to be a human being
I don’t want to push your buttons
I want you to die

I have avoided ryhming in this song and this song is maybe the first in which I truly believe in and wrote it because this what I feel. You crit mine i will crit yours. Thanks.

[holy_roller99]

i like this song. has a nice feel in the chorus with the robot compared to a human being idea. compared to mine there is not as much ryming but i can see that your tip was a good one. i give you a 10/10 but i must ask if it is finished because it seems a bit short.

[MidnightHysteria]

It needs better flow, less commas, and more literary devices. I will go further into depth at a later time if you so wish.

[white_riot]

Thanks, it would be great if you could do that.

[kimmiekilla]

The last line of the chorus just doesnt seem to fit. Robots don't really die do they? They were never really alive to begin with. It just seems really out of place.

[i_need_therapy_17]

good i liked everything about this song...loved the overall message one thing i would change though for the chorus when you say

"You want to be a robot
I want to be a human being
I don’t want to push your buttons
I want you to die"

i feel the last line is just a flow kill i'd change it to "i want to kill this machine"
it sounds alot better in mho

btw can i wrote a song very similar to this a while back ago i think you'll like it its entitled "just another puppet" the link is http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=317631
plz crit

[MidnightHysteria]

As promised, I shall now go through four lines at a time and point out everything that's less than stellar, although some of it is miniscule.

What lies beneath the surface
Aint going to disappear
No one realises the displeasure
And the ultimate fear
The first line is a cliché in one of the worst ways, but since it isn't the whole idea, it's not unbearable. What IS unbearable is the use of "ain't" in the second line. It makes it very hard to take you seriously. The last two lines are okay on content, but the flow is virtually nonexistant in them.
In which, will infect our lives
And slowly kill us
Like a leech attached to your skin
It won’t let go, until it has done its job
The "in" and the comma in the first line are both unnecesary. The statement would make much more sense without either of them. The second and third lines are alright here, but the fourth is rather bulky, and also has an unnecessary comma. I recommend changing it to "It won't let go 'til its job is done" or something similar.
You want to be a robot
I want to be a human being
I don’t want to push your buttons
I want you to die
The idea here is rather repetitive. Rather than giving both sides of the same coin, try using some imagery to describe what goes along with wanting to be a robot and so forth. Also, please remove the phrase "push your buttons" as it's painfully cliché.
We don’t have to change our lives
Unless you let them, and give in
Our future already looks empty
In the background, they are sneaking in
I'm sorry, man, but this just doesn't make sense.... "we don't have to change our lives unless you let them"??? first of all, you change subjects too many times for that to be comprehensible, and second of all, I'm not sure it would really make that much sense even if it agreed with itself. The third and fourth lines here are a similar non-sequitur.
You poor sods, don’t understand
These machines will kill
Unless we rise above them
And destroy them first
First off, that comma should go. My biggest complaints here are a lack of literary devices (rhyme, rhythm, alliteration/assonance/consonance, metaphor/simile/hyperbole/personification, imagery, etc.) and a radically different flow from its counterpart in the first stanza.

Overall: You have a good start here, but it would take a lot of work to bring it up to its and your full potential. 5¼/10.

[peaceloveandbass]

no offense
but this sounds like it was written by a p.oed teenage dude who is raging with hormones

[DeadReligion]

What lies beneath the surface
Aint going to disappear
No one realises the displeasure
And the ultimate fear
In which, will infect our lives
And slowly kill us
Like a leech attached to your skin
It won’t let go, until it has done its job
^ Cliche, it's not all bad though...just, not really creative/original.

You want to be a robot
I want to be a human being
I don’t want to push your buttons
I want you to die
^ This amused me, the last two lines especially. Cliche, but very funny.

We don’t have to change our lives
Unless you let them, and give in
Our future already looks empty
In the background, they are sneaking in
You poor sods, don’t understand
These machines will kill
Unless we rise above them
And destroy them first
^ The first two lines make no sense. I know what you're trying to say, but the way you say it is confusing. It's too blunt for my taste. Too...in your face, not enough literary devices. I completely agree with your views, but you should find a more creative and original way to state them. Literary devices, etc...6/10, five points for the message, and one point for the execution. Oh, by the way, the Clash rule ;-).

Please crit my "Porcelain, Water, Brick" please.

[the oddball]

I liked it. made me think of I Robot lol. I thought it flowed well and was around a good song. 8.5/10