The Four Seasons; Part one: Autumn

[drumass04]

The Four Seasons: Autumn
Crunching underfoot,
Brown, orange and yellow,
The leaves, blazing the cusp of an era.
Trees standing bare, naked to nature,
Their only clothes,
Frost.

A multitude of colours,
Red, Blue and Yellow,
Refracting through the blanket,
Rays just penetrating the cirrus.
The fire risen from the earth,
Overcome by the cumulus.

Mist rising from the fields,
Grey, charcoal and white.
Swirling like leaves,
Floating on eddies of wind.
The gales creating a stallion,
From the haze; A silhouette in space,
Like a shadow on the moon. Galloping,
On the zephyr. Gliding,
Like a ship on the swell


Tim Peacock
©2005
08/12/05

Crit for Crit.
Blow my *** away, not the greatest I've written. But hey, gimme your opinions.

Tim

[drumass04]

Cheers for the crits guys *rolls eyes* :P

Otherwise known as *bump*

Oh by the way, thanks for the crit in the In-depth, DeadReligion :thumb:

[ATC]

Crunching underfoot,
Brown, orange and yellow,
The leaves, marking the end of an era.
Trees standing bare, naked to nature,
Their only clothes,
Frost.
The beginning, of a new chapter.

Here's what I would change: 'marking the end' is not only a cliche but its a bad word 'marking' makes me stop and think of what other word would fit there and breaks my flow. You should either end it as Frost or use a single phrase right after instead of two separated by an 'of' (there is a term for that but eh)


A multitude of colours,
Red, pink and orange,
Shining through the blanket,
Rays just penetrating the cirrus.
The fire rising from the earth,
Until overcome by the cumulus.

Logic issue: red, pink and orange are too close to each other to be a multitude, I think, but eh, it sounds fine. Don't change it. You're not managing to grab the reader's attention as much as you could in the ending. Here's how I'd change it:
The fire risen from the earth
Overcome by the cumulus.
More flow and variation now, I think.


Mist rising from the fields,
Grey, charcoal and white.
Swirling like leaves floating on eddies of wind.
The breeze creating a stallion,
From the haze. A silhouette in space,
Like a shadow on the moon. Galloping,
On the zephyr. Gliding,
Like a ship on the swell.

This is a comparatively weaker section. Swirling... is a little too long to flow right. I can't connect stallions to the breeze, the breeze being mild, among other lines. The ending does not blow me away either. Since this is not an uncommon topic, you'll have to possibly finding a slight spin someplace, which I didn't feel.

Those are the parts I think you need to work on. It's a fairly decent piece of work otherwise. Cheers!

[drumass04]

Cheers, I knew it wasn't my strongest piece. There are only a few lines I truly like myself. Thanks for the advice on some of the changes :)

[shadeddakotabassist]

I'm afraid I can't say much. This type of poetry is not really my forte. But I suppose I can give it a shot.

Crunching underfoot,
Brown, orange and yellow,
The leaves, marking the end of an era.
Trees standing bare, naked to nature,
Their only clothes,
Frost.
The beginning, of a new chapter

"Frost."
I can't say I enjoy that one word standing on its own out there. Especially since this does not occur anywhere else in the piece. It seems to disrupt the flow entirely. But that could just be me. I'd suggest following "Frost" with something a bit more final, instead of just letting it suspend as is.

A multitude of colours,
Red, pink and orange,
Shining through the blanket,
Rays just penetrating the cirrus.
The fire rising from the earth,
Until overcome by the cumulus.

As ATC put it, red, pink, and orange are too closely related for it to be a multitude. Maybe try a different approach to it? Something like "a collage of colours" (I don't personally like the word "collage" but I couldn't think of the "M" word I was hoping for) or along the lines to show that they are blending as they would naturally do? The rest of this stanza I enjoy but the change again suggested by ATC might tighten up the flow and give the poem a bit more solidity.

Mist rising from the fields,
Grey, charcoal and white.
Swirling like leaves floating on eddies of wind.
The breeze creating a stallion,
From the haze. A silhouette in space,
Like a shadow on the moon. Galloping,
On the zephyr. Gliding,
Like a ship on the swell.


Forgive me but I cannot picture a stallion when I think of a breeze and fog. Perhaps it's not meant to paint a mental picture, just give a feeling of the atmosphere, but I still don't understand it. Once again, though, this could just be me. Wait...I think I've got it. Nevermind that last statement. I'm too lazy to delete it. I rather enjoy this stanza now. Don't change a thing. The ending is peaceful, somewhat entrancing almost. It has a Haiku feeling about it. Anyways, that's the end of my ranting.

thank you for your critique on my Untitled piece. much abliged.

[TojesDolan]

Crunching underfoot,
Brown, orange and yellow,
The leaves, marking the end of an era.
Trees standing bare, naked to nature,
Their only clothes,
Frost.
The beginning, of a new chapter.

"Marking the end of an era". Indeed, it's a strange line. Use the suggestions above, since I can't come up with something atm. At least nothing really useful. The ideas fall a little short here, in my opinion. It doesn't fell really winter. Where's the snow? where's the heavy breathing, the fog? Some imagery can be abused here and no one will really notice. :)

A multitude of colours,
Red, pink and orange,
Shining through the blanket,
Rays just penetrating the cirrus.
The fire rising from the earth,
Until overcome by the cumulus.

He. Same thing. Those aren't exactly "a multitude". They are almost in the same part of the color spectrum. Just go for the darkest, colder colors: dark green, blue... all those are warm colors, actually. The cloud stuff is fine, yet it could use a bit more of cloud related imagery. Flying... birds.


Mist rising from the fields,
Grey, charcoal and white.
Swirling like leaves floating on eddies of wind.
The breeze creating a stallion,
From the haze. A silhouette in space,
Like a shadow on the moon. Galloping,
On the zephyr. Gliding,
Like a ship on the swell.

Constant colors.... I don't dig that part of the poem. The rest is amazing. The start of the song is a tad bit weak, and the color thing are my only real issues. other than that, it seems fine. Unfinished and unpolished, but fine,.

[drumass04]

Ooooh, resurrection of a dead thread. Cheers guys. I've changed a few bits on my computer, I'll post them up later (gotta go out now - Scout post sort)

By the way, Tojes; it's autumn. Not winter :P

(Changes about to be posted - I'll edit original post)

[starstruck]

I noticed that yellow comes back in the second stanza, and I think it disrupts the flow somewhat. What I like a lot is that the song paints a vivid image of how colorful the autumn is. The line "The fire risen from the earth" is an excellent metaphor for this.

[drumass04]

Thanks for pointing that out, I didn't notice lol. :chug:
Will be changed soon.

[Surgicalgod]

Crunching underfoot,
Brown, orange and yellow,
The leaves, blazing the cusp of an era.
Trees standing bare, naked to nature,
Their only clothes,
Frost.


I really like the first line..it really brings fall to ones mind. The crunching sound of the leaves.....

A multitude of colours,
Red, pink and orange,
Shining through the blanket,
Rays just penetrating the cirrus.
The fire rising from the earth,
Until overcome by the cumulus.

It's alright, but it's descriptive. Too much description is boring, this part needs more action in it.

Mist rising from the fields,
Grey, charcoal and white.
Swirling like leaves,
Floating on eddies of wind.
The gales creating a stallion,
From the haze; A silhouette in space,
Like a shadow on the moon. Galloping,
On the zephyr. Gliding,
Like a ship on the swell



Started out boring (especially when you mention the colors again) but then you saved it with the last 4 lines. I really like that part of the song.


Overall: I believe it can be really better if you added more color and action to your writing. Something like the first line where you can actually hear the crunching sound and get the feel of autumn. [7.5/10]

[NoHoper]

I personally think seasons are overused. But i liked this one :)