It's like, cold outside.

[Littlejohn]

Frostbite

This morning
I slepped until
The sun poured through
my window sill
and awoke me with my heart
beating faster still
From a dream about December
With spinning cars and woolen scarves
But I was happier in November
With a slight breeze blowing fallen leaves


Each tree outside, a looming ghost
White and crisp; each treebranch froze
The poets outside now speak in prose
You wouldn't recognize the eastern coast

Summer is a distant memory
the same as the fall
This slight breeze whispers to me
So softly cynical
"Look outside, kid, it's over
I will devour all the hope in your words
Remember how I comforted you in mid-October?
Well now I'll strangle you with the frigid earth
I will choke you with the arctic air
and spread my newly found disease
of apathy and dispair
with every poet's heart I freeze."

[Littlejohn]

its still cold.

[MidnightHysteria]

I like the Poe-esque rhyming, but the piece seems rambling and unfocused. Figure out what you're trying to say, and say it. No more, no less.

[SubtleDagger]

This is better than the one you originally had in LC; you got rid of most of the forced rhyming. The end of the first stanza is still kind of annoying, but a lot of the other rhymes are bearable or even good.

[Littlejohn]

I'm thinking about redoing the first stanza..

Edit: did.

[MidnightHysteria]

I would not be opposed to that. In fact, I would not be opposed to simply removing it and just using what remains as the entire piece.

[Littlejohn]

is it better now? Or should the first stanza just get out of the way of the rest of the piece?

[SubtleDagger]

It's a bit better. "Slept" is how it's spelled. The rhyming at the end is still kind of odd.

If I were you I'd just do some brainstorming for the end of the stanza. Like just write a lot of ideas, see what sounds good. I think it'd be better if it didn't rhyme and just flowed really well.