Paranoia

[white_riot]

I woke up this morning, feeling paranoid
So I took a pill to make myself feel better
But instead I got cold and put on my sweater
I think I’m dying, I think its my time
Ever Since I committed that horrible crime
This is the reason why I feel they are after me
I broke one the commandments, thy shall not steal
I never thought this would be what I would feel

Guilt, Honour, I don’t care
Paranoia only seems to be fare
Heaven, Hell, filth and rum
The public only take you for a dirty scum

I stepped outside to take a walk
People staring at me, as if they wanted me to talk
In the corner of their eye, and on their face
They were making gestures and laughing in my face
I knew the police would be around the corner
So I ran through the streets, to find a safe place
I got so far until I tripped on my lace

Guilt, Honour, I don’t care
Paranoia only seems to be fare
Heaven, Hell, filth and rum
The public only take you for a dirty scum

I feel so lonely, how much it hurts
The devil has ripped my soul from out of my skin
Now it is bleeding, God I have committed a terrible sin
I stepped out to the bridge where below it looked rough
I jumped so high, and when I hit the floor
I was dead and gone but needed not to worry any more

[Trigger_003]

Thanks for the crit on my song :).

The rhyming thing you've got going is being a big issue here. The song seems really forced to me. It feels as though you've evolved the content of your song simply through what rhymes as opposed to what is more expressive and truer to what you wanting to say through your writing. By writing according mainly to the rhymes, you're really cramping your creativity.

It's really important to get your point across and maintain a flow that works for your song. If you can do this well with incorporating rhymes, that's great, but if not, it's not a big deal. The content makes the song, not the rhymes.

For instance:
"So I took a pill to make myself feel better
But instead I got cold and put on my sweater"
Better/sweater... walk/talk, face/place/lace, time/crime... it almost feels like you wrote a line and then thought, for example, "hmm, what words can I find to rhyme with 'better' that I could use in the next line?"
Instead of talking about a sweater, which isn't entirely crucial to the piece, you could use that line to create more of an image of what you're taking about.

Also, I think you're cramming too many words into a line. It's not broken up enough imho, and this doesn't help with creating a flow for your melody.
One way to fix this is to simply change the order of how you say something.
For example, without changing what you're saying, you could re-phrase the chorus like so:
Guilt, Honour, I don’t care
Paranoia, it's only fair
Heaven, Hell, filth and rum
To the public, only scum

See how that flows much more easily?
Once you've done that (or while you're doing that), you can state a few things differently to perfect it. Like, I wouldn't use "only" twice there, and I'd find a better way of saying "To the public" (while still maintaining the flow) as that isn't the best way with which to state that.

Hope that helps :thumb:.

[white_riot]

Thanks a lot. I know what you mean with the rhyming, your right. You have really helped me to see what is wrong with this song. Thanks