Only In Our Death Can I Live

[incoobus]

Think Elliott Smith, Bright Eyes, Iron and Wine, etc...

"Only in Our Death Can I Live"

Verse 1
Goodnight glass eyes is your smile just curved lies
Look up, and see the clouds of the day you die
The winter ground is froze but I'll still bury you
Beside my last true love, on my mind weighs two

Forever you'll regret the things you have done
Cold air from cold nights, fill my lungs
Your beds our grave in our death I can live again
"Lie down down and take my hand's" what she said to him

Chorus
White lies that spy on us in the dark
Dry eyes prove this was false from the start
Why I didn't know it, I'm the one to blame
I feel it, now soon, you'll feel the same

Verse 2
Fantastic dreams of life will outline our minds
Your pulsing heart of guilt, pressed against mine
Feigned trust, chemical lust blame poisens in our heads
Cry now, tomarrow morning we'll be dead

Chorus

Verse 3
Regrets if you could do this over again
Would you, slam the door or let me in
Your pulse slows only I will know where you've been
Your eyes close I wake up and realize my sin

Sunrise brings light to the death black dark room
Our souls of us still lying in their tomb
This cold November morning makes our skin shake
Just one more love to make my list of mistakes

Chorus

[Muse_]

"Only in Our Death Can I Live"

Meh, I had a full lenght crit written out, and then my computer lost it. You're getting what I can remember from it. Sorry.

Verse 1
Goodnight glass eyes is your smile just curved lies
Look up, and see the clouds of the day you die
The winter ground is froze but I'll still bury you
Beside my last true love, on my mind weighs two
Great, though confusing first line. If you're asking a question with "Is your smile just curved lies?" then split the line into two parts and use a question mark. Also, you may consider changing smile to "Are your lips just curved lies"
to make it flow better.
In the third line, Froze should be frozen.
In the fourth line, Weigh instead of weighs. Grammar notes.
Not a bad start.

Forever you'll regret the things you have done
Cold air from cold nights, fill my lungs
Your beds our grave in our death I can live again
"Lie down down and take my hand's" what she said to him\
This one is decent, though the third line tends towards melodrama and all that good stuff. I can't say I'm a fan of the subject matter, but the wording is alright.

Chorus
White lies that spy on us in the dark
Dry eyes prove this was false from the start
Why I didn't know it, I'm the one to blame
I feel it, now soon, you'll feel the same
You've got a knack for rhyming and choosing good word combinations. Keep it up.
The last line is too homicidal for me. Again, I don't personally care for the subject matter, but its written okay.

Verse 2
Fantastic dreams of life will outline our minds
Your pulsing heart of guilt, pressed against mine
Feigned trust, chemical lust blame poisens in our heads
Cry now, tomarrow morning we'll be dead
How do dreams outline someone's mind? Consider different wording.
Third is great, poison is spelled wrong however.
Again, a wee bit homicidal.

Verse 3
Regrets if you could do this over again
Would you, slam the door or let me in
Your pulse slows only I will know where you've been
Your eyes close I wake up and realize my sin
Its great until the last two lines. I think an and would fit well in the third. "Your pulse slows and only I will know where you've been"
And the last line seems a bit forced on the rhyme.

Sunrise brings light to the death black dark room
Our souls of us still lying in their tomb
This cold November morning makes our skin shake
Just one more love to make my list of mistakes
Okay, its not bad. Death black dark room seems like an overload of adjectives.

Its not bad, and not too hard to follow. While the subject matter is a little creepy and teen angsty, its well put together and logical. You show promise with word combinations and imagery. ex. Chemical lust, goodnight glass eyes.

A fine song. 7.5/10

[incoobus]

i know its out there (I've been listening to A LOT of Coheed & Cambria lately), its basically just a really wierd way of saying "all i want is one last night with you." thanks for the crit. i think i will change that smile part to lips in the first line.

[schwypees]

Great Song. Loved It. As for crit... what else is there to say? I think Muse pretty much got everything. And I mean EVERYTHING. Haha

But really really great... with Muse's suggestions and some minor tweaking, it'll be phenomenal.

[Bemis]

hey incoobus,i really like your song.good style and seems well thought out.if you manage to put music to the lyrics you should post it on the board.ill give this song 8/10.keep it up

[wkd]

This song reminds me a lot of 'A Boy Brushed Red Living In Black And White' by Underoath. I know that they are completely different, but the story line I mean.

I'm not sure what you intended as the plot for the song when you wrote it, but to me it feels like a boy who regrets having his first time. [Sex].

Probably way off, but songs can mean different things to different people.

Sorry I couldn't give you a real critique, I liked it. A little cliche on some parts, especially the first two lines. Lies/die. The rhyming fealt a little forced, you realize you don't have to rhyme to have a great song though right?

Good luck.

[DepthsOfDreams555]

Look up the sounds that surround the day you died

Look up, and see the clouds of the day you die

Ya I can tell you have been listening to a lot of Coheed. They are amazing.