Ungratified - crit-for-crit

[Trigger_003]

I'm really looking to improve and refine my writing technique so the more problems you can find with this, the better. Thanks guys :).

Ungratified
© Copyright Deprived of Sanity, 2005 (21/9)

I can’t see a way to satisfy you
There’s no way to give you any more
You’re taking their freedom away,
Ungratified.
We’ll let you down,
Harder than before.

All their lives
Serving your so-called honour
But do you appreciate it?
No.
Didn’t think so

Now it’s their turn

I can’t see a way to satisfy you
There’s no way to give you any more
You’re taking their freedom away,
Ungratified.
We’ll let you down,
Harder than before.

Inferior race,
They’re weaklings you say
Think again.
You take their closest things,
But not their emotions
They’re not broken until they say so.

I can’t see a way to satisfy you
There’s no way to give you any more.
You’re taking their freedom away,
Ungratified.
We’ll let you down,
Harder than before.

Took their places
Stole their faces
Stand for this no more
Not as hopeless as you thought us to be
As you told us
It’s all because of you

Glorified,
You were so glorified.
Ungratified,
But now they’re unified,
And it’s all gonna change.

[Buhta]

At most i like the end, the "But they're unified" line..dunno why=)

I cant think of any music to this piece just now, but its never a task of five minutes you know...

I can’t see a way to satisfy you
There’s no way to give you any more
You’re taking their freedom away,
Ungratified.
We’ll let you down,
Harder than before.

I dont understand why the object of the song is "them" everywhere, but in here, its suddenly "we"...if it was your purpose, then try to write it somehow else, with more words - its not much understandable like this.

All their lives
Serving your so-called honour
But do you appreciate it?
No.
Didn’t think so

This is good, it reflects the meaning clearly.:thumb:

Now it’s their turn

This line i too like much - 'twould be a great break in the middle of the song!

Inferior race,
They’re weaklings you say
Think again.
You take their closest things,
But not their emotions
They’re not broken until they say so.

Dunno what to say - suites perfectly in the song.

Took their places
Stole their faces
Stand for this no more
Not as hopeless as you thought us to be
As you told us
It’s all because of you

Looks like another breakup - if it would be, the 4th line would be too long and if it would not, then the rhyme "places - faces" will sound bad..

Glorified,
You were so glorified.
Ungratified,
But now they’re unified,
And it’s all gonna change.

This is the great great perfect ending...keep up you=):wave:

BTW. today i figured out you're a girl=) - the last lyrica i critted sounded absolutely male..this does not - it has some female elements innit..brah please crit me at least once more - i like your crits..thx

[white_riot]

Nice song, i really liked it.


All their lives
Serving your so-called honour
But do you appreciate it?
No.
Didn’t think so

This part is really good and probally the best part of the song. You ended it really well also, the only problem is the line in the 2nd last stanza.

Not as hopeless as you thought us to be

Overall really good and keep writing because you have some talent. 8/10

Can you please crit mine.
http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=421418

[Muse_]

Ungratified
© Copyright Deprived of Sanity, 2005 (21/9)

I can’t see a way to satisfy you
There’s no way to give you any more
You’re taking their freedom away,
Ungratified.
We’ll let you down,
Harder than before.
It goes from I to we, unless this is intentional or explained later on, I'd change it.
Its an obscure stanza; it doesn't really give a plot besides one person being needy and the other feeling pressured. Some direction in the song so far, but not a lot.


All their lives
Serving your so-called honour
But do you appreciate it?
No.
Didn’t think so

Now it’s their turn
Now I'm starting to think its about the war. Nice, I do enjoy the occasional protest song. "Serving your so-called honor." Didn't like that bit. Not everyone takes lives for honor.
Wait, do you appreciate taking lives?
This part is a bit confusing to the casual observer.

Inferior race,
They’re weaklings you say
Think again.
You take their closest things,
But not their emotions
They’re not broken until they say so.
Holocaust/Ethnic Albanians/ Ruanda. You are very vague. If you gave the song a more clear subject it would have a better sense of direction.


Took their places
Stole their faces
Stand for this no more
Not as hopeless as you thought us to be
As you told us
It’s all because of you
Noble try with the rhyme, but how the hell do you take someone's face?
Hmm, ponder that.

Glorified,
You were so glorified.
Ungratified,
But now they’re unified,
And it’s all gonna change
Best verse yet. This one is quite good because it describes and then shows direction. Its all gonna change.

Anywho, decent song...but nothing really jumped out and screamed "Hey, I'm A Genius Lyricist."
6.5/10. You could work on imagery, you don't include any.

I have a song to be critted if you find time dear. :)

[MidnightHysteria]

Muse nailed this one more or less. I'd like to add that the first two lines seem to have absolutely no connection to anything else in the piece. Kindly relate them more strongly, or rework them so they relate more strongly to the rest.

[Buhta]

Noble try with the rhyme, but how the hell do you take someone's face?

By giving him an uniform and helmet and sending him to war?

[Trigger_003]

Hey, thanks for all the responses so far!

I wrote this whilst I was studying the Holocaust, so it's kind of related to that without it being fully intentional, as Muse brought up.

I'll see what I can do about clarifying what I'm doing with all the I's and we's.
"Serving your so-called honor." Didn't like that bit. Not everyone takes lives for honor.
Wait, do you appreciate taking lives?
This part is a bit confusing to the casual observer.
What I meant is they've spent their lives serving this guy, and he's completely oblivious to it, taking it for granted sort of... I don't know how I can really rephrase that in the song without re-writing too much of it or wrecking it though.

My only real reasoning behing the "stole their faces" concept is that it's in a way relating to the horrific experiments and all that which they performed during the Holocaust. I dunno, it does seem like a bit of a forced rhyme, but it works well rhythmically with the melody... meh

That line that was too long is actually like this (the first three words are in a marcato style - sort of staggered):
"Not, as, hopeless,
As you thought us to be"
If that improves your guys' view of it.

Buhta: The ideas I've got for the music for this one are leaning towards something metal-ish.
That other piece was just a simple acoustic song I quickly threw together for a guy that wanted to do a song with our band, hence the emphasis on liking a girl.
I'm glad you like my crits. Yours are good too, thanks once again... to all of you.

I'll get round to your guys' songs in a bit :).

[bassduder14]

sweet, when i have more time i'll crit,but so far good job

[basskid]

awesome, good stuff

[Trigger_003]

Thanks :).

Bassduder14, was there one of yours you were wanting me to crit in the meantime?

And Buhta, I'll get over to your newer one now.

[otoskreen]

not bad