The Soporific Monster Awakens (Sorry, the other thread of this got too nasty)

[DeadReligion]

The Soporific Monster Awakens

(Verse 1)
A ten ton monster sleeps away in a cave
Its hibernation season
Maggots invade it’s resting place
Just looking for food
The monster awakens,
In a sudden apoplexy

(Verse 2)
The monster’s screams bounce off the walls
Like a ricocheting bullet
Claws swinging; fangs clamping
The maggot population, gradually decreases
As if small blankets were dropping
Small blankets of chemicals falling
Killing them with the dim mak
Chlorofluorocarbons are in the air
Denser than the human population

(Verse 3)
The monster pushes past the maggots
And runs outside, only to find
One hundred vicious birds
Flying straight at him
He slashes at them,
They fall to the ground
Like twenty ton anvils
Everything is stained with blood
Welcome to the preemptive mass slaughter

[DeadReligion]

BUUUUUUMMMPPPPPPP. 22 views and nothing. Thanks for the support, guys. ;-)

[Jaded]

I don't know what to say. It's interesting,

[schwypees]

I don't know what to say. It's interesting,

Exactly. What else can you say about that?

[DeadReligion]

At least I know I don't bore you. Lol.

[drumass04]

Well, certainly different :P

I like it, in a strange sort of way. Your use of language always interests me, you have a wonderful vocabulary and use it well. Your longer, more complicated, different words make your writing so much better, with that slight hint of peculiarity and complexity.

You have used some brilliant imagery in this piece, along with some good use of metaphor and similes. I think one of my favourite bits is:
Chlorofluorocarbons are in the air
Denser than the human population


Good work :thumb:
10/10 for vocabulary
8/10 for the actual piece.

[I Love Fat women]

The Soporific Monster Awakens

(Verse 1)
A ten ton monster sleeps away in a cave
Its hibernation season
Maggots invade it’s resting place
Just looking for food
The monster awakens,
In a sudden apoplexy
----

This verse is pretty good, it flows well and it has good imagery.


(Verse 2)
The monster’s screams bounce off the walls
Like a ricocheting bullet
Claws swinging; fangs clamping
The maggot population, gradually decreases
As if small blankets were dropping
Small blankets of chemicals falling
Killing them with the dim mak
Chlorofluorocarbons are in the air
Denser than the human population
---

This verse is less good, I don't like the word "clamping", I think it breaks the flow, seek to substitute it.

The line "Killing them with the dim mak" doesn't make sense as there is no such word as "mak", I don't think "make" fits in there either.

Also, CFCs aren't really that nasty, try carbonitriles or something, it might work better, atleast for chemistry students like myself... :p

The last line, "denser than the human population", doesn't flow well to me, try to find another analogy.


(Verse 3)
The monster pushes past the maggots
And runs outside, only to find
One hundred vicious birds
Flying straight at him
He slashes at them,
They fall to the ground
Like twenty ton anvils
Everything is stained with blood
Welcome to the preemptive mass slaughter
---

I like this stanza, it has some good imagery, and it flows well. I feel that this song needs a finishing stanza that concludes the story though, it's left kinda open, I guess that might have been your intention though. Also, I'm not sure if the deeper meaning of this song is a critique of the human "slaughter" of nature over the past century, but if it is, I'll give it a 9.5/10 rating, otherwise, I'd give it a 6.5/10.

Also, if you have time for it, it'd be great if you could crit this song for me: http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?p=10681471#post10681471

[DeadReligion]

"dim mak" is Cantonese (I believe Cantonese...) for "death touch". As a side note. It's about Iraq. The maggots (I chose them only because they are small and large in number) are the Iraqis we kill, the two birds represent the twin towers, and how they kind of...destroyed our "morals". Well...except for Bush, he had none to begin with.

[I Love Fat women]

"dim mak" is Cantonese (I believe Cantonese...) for "death touch". As a side note. It's about Iraq. The maggots (I chose them only because they are small and large in number) are the Iraqis we kill, the two birds represent the twin towers, and how they kind of...destroyed our "morals". Well...except for Bush, he had none to begin with.

Oh, cool. Too bad i don't speak Cantonese. :P

The CFCs (some of them are freons) and the dense human population sort of implies a slaughter of the nature though...

[FA]

odd

[DeadReligion]

How...indepth, Justin.