Sex and Still-Life

[Muse_]

skdjfngskfdlg

[DeadReligion]

This sounds so much about sex. AND it's actually reletively good. *pats back* Congratulations.

[Classics_of_Love]

This is probably the best piece I've read on here. I read your short story from the last competition too, and I have to say, you are an incredibly talented writer. I'll do my best to give you a good crit on this, but I really can't see much of anything at all wrong with it.

Sex and Still-Life

Last night I swam in you
Dreams and ceiling tiles
overhead, and I’m happy for now
The words you whisper for me aren’t your own
Borrowed sentiment reheated--
with passion and served.

Brilliant imagery and metaphors. An excellent start. I don't know if I really like the way it's broken up though. You might have had a reason for doing it this way, but I think it might flow a bit better if you ended the second line with overhead, instead of putting it on the third. I'm also not sure why you cut off the second last line with a dash. It seems like the last two lines fit together and don't need to be broken up this way.

Last night I caught myself,
I can kiss you with my eyes open
See me? Do I love you?
But our forms fit together
Seamless, wanton, pliable;
Its still-life in primal colors,
We’re doing just fine.

Another excellent stanza, if a bit less poetic than the first. I really like this, but to be honest, I'm not sure how it would work as a song. I can't really imagine this being sung by someone. It just doesn't roll off the tongue in the right way. Still great as a poem though.

And take a piece of heaven for the road dear
It’s a long way back to your place
Put my picture in your mirror
So everyone can see we’re happy
We twist
We kiss
We are art, and we're doing just fine.

I'm not sure what to say about this. it's just...Perfect. I really like the last three lines here, and the consonance (If that's the right word) with kiss and twist.
I don't have much criticism for this. I wish I could offer more. I really enjoyed this piece. Fantastic use of literary devices. I only wish I could write this well. If you wouldn't mind giving a crit on mine, Searching (http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=420947), I would really appreciate it.

[Muse_]

Bump.
I do return crits you know.

[TojesDolan]

Ugh Caitria.

Last night I swam in you
Dreams and ceiling tiles overhead
And I’m happy for now.
The words you whisper for me aren’t your own
Borrowed sentiment reheated
with passion and served.
But we're fine, we're doing just fine.
I'm not comfortable with the idea of swimming in people. Unless we're talking about a lake. Or if you're talking about the eyes of a person it's waaaaaay to cliché. As for the continuity in there, it drags a bit. It's good, in a "let's-confuse-people" kind of way. It's alright, nothing to shabby, I must add, but it works.

Last night I caught myself,
I can kiss you with my eyes open
See me? Do I love you?
But our forms fit together
Seamless, wanton, pliable;
Its still-life in primal colors,
We’re doing just fine.

Yeah. this is waaaaay better. It has some more linkage between what you want to say. still simplistic in some regions, but the adjectives make it worthwhile. The subject is very you, I suppose, so I guess that's also bearable. I like what you did there with the still-life.

And take a piece of heaven for the road dear
It’s a long way back to your place
Put my picture in your mirror
So everyone can see we’re happy
We twist
We kiss
We are art, and we're doing just fine.

Yeah... It's good. It's overall a good fornication/art resemblance. It's still mushy if read quite deeply, with the girl falling for a boy... however, the art/fornication resemblances are a good addition to it. Probably I'm caught up in the fact that I wanted to add the word "still-life" to my recent poems. Anyhow, good luck. Keep writing.

EDIT: I crit here often and thoroughly, though I rarely post work of my own.
If I have done one of your pieces you'd better return the favor. As for new people, I'll give you back what you put in.

lol reasoning with n00B5!!1! :lol::rofl:

[Muse_]

Ugh Caitria.:)


I'm not comfortable with the idea of swimming in people. Unless we're talking about a lake. Or if you're talking about the eyes of a person it's waaaaaay to cliché. As for the continuity in there, it drags a bit. It's good, in a "let's-confuse-people" kind of way. It's alright, nothing to shabby, I must add, but it works.
The swimming is a bit out there, I understand, but I though its use was appropriate here. Its not a reference to eyes, which I do consider cliche as well.
The drag in the beginning was something I noticed as well. The first stanza just won't lump together right. It falls apart around the fourth line.

lol reasoning with n00B5!!1! :lol::rofl:
I thought it was worth just one moe effort.

[incoobus]

[QUOTE=Muse_]Sex and Still-Life

Last night I swam in you
Dreams and ceiling tiles overhead
And I’m happy for now.
The words you whisper for me aren’t your own
Borrowed sentiment reheated
with passion and served.
But we're fine, we're doing just fine.

i like the first line, even without reading the title people will know what they're in for. "dreams of ceiling tiles overhead" thats really cool too. it gives me the sense that it's a surreal moment, maybe to good to be true. every line in this verse is good
Last night I caught myself,
I can kiss you with my eyes open
See me? Do I love you?
But our forms fit together
Seamless, wanton, pliable;
Its still-life in primal colors,
We’re doing just fine.

another good verse except i dont know why the first line is there. what did you catch yourself doing? Kissing her with your eyes open? it would be cool if you could clear me up on that
And take a piece of heaven for the road dear
It’s a long way back to your place
Put my picture in your mirror
So everyone can see we’re happy
We twist
We kiss
We are art, and we're doing just fine.

i like this part the best. really nothing to critique here. its good- "we are art"- i love that part
no question that this is a well written piece. not anything that i would change.
9.5/10<----highest score i've ever given.
"Only In Our Death Can I Live"---if you have a chance

[Muse_]

another good verse except i dont know why the first line is there. what did you catch yourself doing? Kissing her with your eyes open? it would be cool if you could clear me up on that
Last night I caught myself,
I can kiss you with my eyes open
See me? Do I love you?
But our forms fit together
Seamless, wanton, pliable;
Its still-life in primal colors,
We’re doing just fine.

The first line is meant to convey that I just caught myself kissing with my eyes open. Usually when people are in love, they kiss with their eyes closed, and if I can do it with my eyes open...am I in love?

Thank you for your crit. I'll do yours presently. :)

[FA]

Sex and Still-Life

Last night I swam in you
Dreams and ceiling tiles overhead
And I’m happy for now.
The words you whisper for me aren’t your own
Borrowed sentiment reheated
with passion and served.
But we're fine, we're doing just fine.

all is good, but I don't understand this line: "with passion and 'served'". served confuses me, and I still don't quite understand what you mean, are you saying that she serves her reheated sentiment? meh, the rest is great.

Last night I caught myself,
I can kiss you with my eyes open
See me? Do I love you?
But our forms fit together
Seamless, wanton, pliable;
Its still-life in primal colors,
We’re doing just fine.

'See me? Do I love you?' The "See me?" part is kinda of weak, but the other half is fine to me. Wanton..what a beautiful word, I've heard it in many lyrics before and love it. Its still-life in primal colors is a fantastic line.

And take a piece of heaven for the road dear
It’s a long way back to your place
Put my picture in your mirror
So everyone can see we’re happy
We twist
We kiss
We are art, and we're doing just fine.

Great last stanza, I loved it. To be honest I kind of get sick of reading "we're doing just fine" but at the same time the repetitiveness of the whole thing seems to work. Overall I enjoyed this piece, 8.5/10. If you're up to critting my latests, the link is as follows, and if you don't want to follow the link, I believe it's on page 3, titled Words on the Ceiling Fan. It didn't get much attention, so thanks in advance if you do critique.

http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=419733

[Trigger_003]

Nice piece there :).
I'll try to return the crit, but everything I've thought of has mostly been covered so far...

Last night I swam in you
Dreams and ceiling tiles overhead
And I’m happy for now.
The words you whisper for me aren’t your own
Borrowed sentiment reheated
with passion and served.
But we're fine, we're doing just fine.
I wasn't sure that I liked the "Swam in you" line either, but after reading it again, it's alright there.
This forth line is good but it's not paying credit to the rest of the verse in terms of the flow. If you could break that line up a bit, keeping the concept but possibly re-writing that somehow...

Same deal in the second verse with the "I can kiss you with my eyes open" line; it's fine but I feel it also unfortunately breaks the flow somewhat in an otherwise awesome verse.

And take a piece of heaven for the road dear
It’s a long way back to your place
Put my picture in your mirror
So everyone can see we’re happyI don't know about this section. The last two lines of this just don't work for me for some reason. Simplicity has been great for a lot of the piece, but here... I don't know, the last line seems out of place to me. Changing the wording of those two lines could improve this piece a lot I think.

We twist
We kiss
We are art, and we're doing just fine.Simple but very effective just about sums that bit up.

The repetition of "we're doing just fine" works this time. Great song :thumb:.

[Muse_]

Thanks for the input Trigger, you had some great suggestions in there. I'm revising a bit.

[Leaves]

Muse, this is a great song, right up my alley. Excellent use of metaphor while still conveying the meaning to the listener/reader. That's a difficult balance, and probably the number one thing that catches my ear/eye. You've done it masterfully here. So let's get into the details, shall we?:

Sex and Still-Life

Last night I swam in you
Dreams and ceiling tiles overhead
And I’m happy for now.
Did you write the words you whisper?
Borrowed sentiment reheated
with passion and served.
But we're fine, we're doing just fine.
Like many of the other crits, I'm not big on the "swam in you" line. It teeters on sounding sleezy, which I don't think is what you're going for. Plus the whole swimming bit doesn't tie into the rest of the song, metaphorically speaking, so it's certainly possible to change that word to something else.

I like "And I'm happy for now," and "But we're fine, we're doing just fine" a LOT. It sets the mood perfectly.

"Borrowed sentiment reheated / with passion and served" was a line I had to read twice, not realizing it was one continued sentence on the first read. I think this might be causing confusion to other readers as well, but don't worry about it. It works very nicely so long as you read it correctly.

Last night I caught myself,
I can kiss you with my eyes open
See me? Do I love you?
But our forms fit together
Seamless, wanton, pliable;
Its still-life in primal colors,
We’re doing just fine.
Yes. "See me? Do I love you?" -- I can't put my finger on why this and other lines seem to hit so spot-on, but you certainly have a knack for it. I think it's because they aren't trying to be overly veiled or metaphoric or clever; they're gritty and real. I like this.

I'm also big on effective use of repetition (note the word "effective"). The repeating of "We're doing just fine" is songwriting craftsmanship at its best. You're a pro.

And take a piece of heaven for the road dear
It’s a long way back to your place
Put my picture in your mirror
So everyone can see we’re happy
We twist
We kiss
We are art, and we're doing just fine.
The rhyming of "dear" and "mirror" is good, nicely done. This is just fantastic. It's fantastic in the sense of what I was describing before: excellent use of metaphor without losing the meaning. I truly believe this is the most important and underappreciated aspect of lyric writing, and you've nailed it. Plus the effective repetition to tie it all together at the end.

I'm seriously not one for hyperbole in my crits, so please know that my complements are genuine and are not extraneously doled out to every writer on the forums. This is just one song, but from it I can tell you're a talented writer with a keen sense of what makes for e/affective lyrics. Mad props :-)

If you want to hit me back, I think my most recent is Lie (It's Alright) (http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=413164). It's not my best work, but I like it well enough.

[Muse_]

Thanks for the detailed crit leaves. I appreciate it.
In light of so many negative reactions, I'm going to change the Swam in you line once I find something more suitable. It was hard to let go of because it was the line that sparked the piece. Perhaps I see it differently, but I do understand how it could sounds sleazy.

[--Attaboy_Skip--]

I never thought that sex could be written about so eloquently, I mean seeing the title Sex and Still-Life, I was honestly expecting a bit of a sleazier way of writting it, not that I'm dissappointed, of course ;)

As I said, this was worded perfectly with the exception of the infamous "swam in you" line; however for me it isn't the case as I thought that it was a very abstract thought, it just sort of tickled my fancy :naughty: But seriously now, I think that line is fine as it is. Another thing I liked was the repetition of "we're doing just fine", it added a happy note to the piece as though the couple was truly happy with their lives and not some raunchy motel escapade involving a video-camera. I thought it was cute... Um, yeah. I also thought that the line that said "Its still-life in primal colors" was clever, primal colors/primary colors; a neat twist (unless that wasn't what you meant and I'm reading too far into this line).

The one thing that bugged me was the line "Seamless, wanton, pliable;", both 'wanton' and 'pliable' jarred the experience for me slightly. I think that you should either find some smoother synonyms or perhaps rewrite the line. Just the sound of them, particularly 'wanton', irked me.

Other than that one flaw, I thought that this piece was excellent. I look forward to reading more of your work, even if it is a rare occurance to see it posted on these forums. 9.5/10

If you could lend a few kind words one of mine, I would greatly appreciate it.

A Rose from the Ashes (http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=413045)
A Cold Autumn's Eve (http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=414565)

Cheers :chug:

[deathscreamingsheep]

I like the last night I swam bit... It seems slightly surreal and I think that theme runs throughout (I'm guessing this also links with the title sex and still life?)

Actually, about that title. What meaning is there to the still life part? I kind of thought it was to do with surrealism and the art comparisons but then I read the line "... It's still life in primal colours..."

Maybe I am overanalysing but it sounds almost as if the narrator is almost trying to fool themselves, comparing their lovelife to art to cover himself as shown in the kissing with eyes open bit. Plus, the we're just fine lines seem almost as if he wants to assure himself more than anyone else.

Can you clear any of this up for me? It's a very good piece of writing, but with all the imagery sometimes I read into a song or verse in a completely different way to how it was intended.