In Your Church I Suffer

[Friday_13]

Ok Here is my First attempt at an Anti Christ song let me know what you think

In Your Church I Suffer.

VERSE 1
In Your church I suffer
Regurgitation of the nights last supper
Bread and wine
body and blood

CHORUS 1
I suffer in your church.
The fear is taking over.
I suffer in your church.
Again there’s somebody out there.
I suffer in your church.
The return of your born leader.

VERSE 2
The lies you’ve told.
Written in bold.
Hidden from their eyes.
The unusual sacrifice.

CHORUS 1
I suffer in your church.
The fear is taking over.
I suffer in your church.
Again there’s somebody out there.
I suffer in your church.
The return of your born leader.

VERSE 3
Return from the dead.
What a crock of ****.
Unspoken sins.
Protection from within.

CHORUS 2
I suffer in your church.
Hidden lies.
I suffer in your church.
No one hears my cries.
I suffer in your church.
To shelter one’s faithfulness.

[TojesDolan]

That was Simple Plan meets Young Darkthrone.

Add up some more ugly similes resembling your disgust, add more vomit, quit the repetition and that should improve it.

[DeadReligion]

That sounds nothing like Simple Plan, I've never heard of Young Darkthrone. For a first attempt, this this good, I just don't like the "What a crock of ****" line, its just...so...plain. I've got nothing against swearing, it was just badly put in that particular song. I thoroughly enjoyed verse 1, and both choruses.