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[Classics_of_Love]

Been spending far too much time inside my head
Half asleep, I'd watch the world from my bed
The world passed me by like snapshots
in some long lost photo album
Never leave a man alone with his thoughts


I just need something
To help me stop believing
And sink for all eternity
Slowly drown my thoughts
And numb myself
Hear nothing but the soft echoes
A dull pain, but that's alright

A couple months spent searching
And I'm none the wiser
I'm just so damn tired of hurting
Found No One to lift me higher

You say we can all be healed
Well I just want to feel
The air outside again
Feels like I've died again
Inside

I just need some time away from my head
Not to wonder or worry
When the world is so bright
And beautiful

I just want to breathe
And I just want to see
Don't want nothin' to believe
Just want to be
Before I sink
And sleep
Eternally


The second stanza here is from a poem I wrote a few months ago. I was looking back through some of my old poetry, and I really liked this one, which is strange for me, because normally I hate anything I write looking back with more than a month's distance between it and myself. It didn't sound quite right though, so I re-worked it, and tried to adapt it so it feels more like a song than a free-verse poem. Let me know what you think, and if you have any work you'd like me to crit in return, just leave a link.

[Muse_]

Been spending far too much time inside my head
Half asleep, I'd watch the world from my bed
The world passed me by like snapshots
in some long lost photo album
Never leave a man alone with his thoughts
Though rhyming is a noble art, the rhyme here with Bed and Head seems a little forced. This is probably just because they are such common words. If you still want to use a rhyme I'd suggest just finding a replacement for bed.
In a song it would probably go unnoticed however.
Its a decent stanza, but you could do well by building off the snapshot theme and really making it into something amazing.

I just need something
To help me stop believing
And sink for all eternity
Slowly drown my thoughts
And numb myself
Hear nothing but the soft echoes
A dull pain, but that's alright
Angst, but not too shabby. Drowning thoughts, dull pain and sinking for eternity are a little tired with regards to this forum, but it probably won't harm you outside of here.
You have a bit of tightening up to do here.
The first two lines are fine, though you don't say what you want to stop believing.
The next two could use some love, mebbe something like,
And swim down towards eternity
To slowly drown my thoughts
And while you're sinking and swimming you could build off of the water theme and hear nothing but the soft pulsations. (You know how sound is distorted from the bathtub? :))


A couple months spent searching
And I'm none the wiser
I'm just so damn tired of hurting
Found No One to lift me higher
Good, but it sounds like something that has been written by others. The rhyme here is much more consistent than the previous stanzas.

You say we can all be healed
Well I just want to feel
The air outside again
Feels like I've died again
Inside
This bit and the last stanza are a complete change of pace from the first two. It seems like a different song. You need to start tying things in together with bits of the imagery, and recycling what you've said already to wrap things up into a neat little package.

I just need some time away from my head
Not to wonder or worry
When the world is so bright
And beautiful
Hey, if you were digging the watery theme at all you could maybe sub in "The moon on the water tonight/ is beautiful."

I just want to breathe
And I just want to see
Don't want nothin' to believe
Just want to be
Before I sink
And sleep
Eternally

First two lines are excellent.
This is a great closing, but if yuo opted for the swimming down towards eternity part, it would fit here very well. I don't know about "Sleep/ Eternally". Too Hamlet-esque, but there's not too many options to change it unless you have yourself finding eternity, or meeting eternity instead.

Overall: Very well thought out and put together. You have some nice original bits, and it flows pretty well. You just have to work on creating phrases that really stick out of the pieces, and then putting them in as a common thread. The plot was a bit lost towards the middle
Nice piece, and a pleasure to crit. 7.5/10. :)
Thank you for your excellent critique by the way. Its nice to see someone putting in thought.

[Classics_of_Love]

Thanks a lot for your suggestions. I'll definitely try to work it together with one theme. I think one of the reasons it sounds so disjointed right now is that it was originally written awhile ago, with a bit of a different idea in mind, but looking back on it, I couldn't really relate to what I had been saying nearly as much anymore (Which is one of the many reasons I never seem to like any of my work looking back), so I tried to change it around, and ended up with too many different ideas floating around in there.

It was actually kind of a rough edit. I just wanted to get some opinions on it. Your suggestions are actually a huge help. You gave me a lot of ideas to try and tie this whole thing together.

And just for the record I wasn't actually going for the typical teen angst, 'just let me escape' kind of thing. This song is actually about God, although looking at your crit, I can see how the meaning is very easily lost, and I'm going to work on tying it together more so that it makes more sense. I wrote it at a time when I had spent months just trying to find something, and every time I felt like I had, i realised I had tricked myself, and at the end of it I just felt defeated.

All I learned from it was that I didn't want to spend my life thinking about my life and wondering if there was a God out there. This song was supposed to be about yearning to kind of close off my mind and just feel and experience thinks without thinking about and examining them.

It was actually originally a sort of lonesome love song, about searching for someone to add something to my life so that I wouldn't feel the need to think about all these things, but I kind of came to think that that whole idea was ridiculous, and I really didn't like it looking back, so I changed it around and tried to make it strictly about my struggle with faith. I guess it was more than just God. it was just thinking too much about life in general. Sometimes we need to stop searching for meaning and just enjoy what's there without wondering. I guess I've always had a hard time with that.

[Muse_]

The themes are great. Struggle with both relationships and personal faith are excellent subject matter.
I'm sure you'll do a great job with revisions, and even as is its a fine piece. Post what you re-work. :)