Your Eyes, The Sea - Please crit!

[schwypees]

This is my first lyrics post, and hopefully, my worst. Its not very long (I haven't been able to finish a chorus) but please crit as much as you can. I read and crit everything I have time for, so help me out. Don't take it easy.

I used to like it so much more
The way your eyes sparkled at me
But now you just make me sore
Your eyes remind me of the sea

The sea turns a foamy brown
Your eyes swell and flood
And suddenly, I hear the sound
Your rubies melt to blood

Like you, but only from afar
Ocean resounds the thunder
Like the waves, you are
Pushing me down, under

The pacific is nothing like before
The lake was cold but placid
Swallowing me, those eyes of yours
Take me home

[I Love Fat women]

I used to like it so much more
The way your eyes sparkled at me
But now you just make me sore
Your eyes remind me of the sea


I don't like "sore". Otherwise this stanza is ok.


The sea turns a foamy brown
Your eyes swell and flood
And suddenly, I hear the sound
Your rubies melt to blood


I don't like this stanza, change it. I don't know what you're referring to by "rubies" , maybe this is some metaphore or slang I haven't picked up because I'm not a native english speaker.


Like you, but only from afar
Ocean resounds the thunder
Like the waves, you are
Pushing me down, under


It's ok, fairly clear and simple, I like the imagery and metaphores. Probably the best stanza in this song.


The pacific is nothing like before
The lake was cold but placid
Swallowing me, those eyes of yours
Take me home

It's not easy to see what you're saying here, be more clear.

Overall, 6/10, a decent first attempt.

[-:Vincent:-]

This song is ok, I like the comparison between a person and the ocean. But other than that it seems to be forced out too much. Write the chorus and go back and revise some stuff, i'll check in on it again then.

6/10 ;thanks for the crit on my song

[schwypees]

Thanks a lot for the advice guys. It helped me find places/ideas to focus on, and I tried my best to correct those things as well as improve it on my own. This is the "new" version of the song, and I feel that it has improved immensely. One thing that I am unsure about is the location/frequency of the chorus. So, direct comments towards the new stuff - which is basically everything because the first try was horrible. Chorus is in italics.

Your Eyes, The Sea


I used to like it so much more
The way your eyes sparkled at me
So bright and so hard to ignore
Painfully reminiscent of the sea

Footprints taint the soggy ground
“Forever,” I thought you said
Once again, that familiar sound
Polished rubies melt blood red

I used to like it so much more
Your eyes, the Sea
So bright and so hard to ignore
One last time, your eyes deceive

On the shore I see you from afar
Sky assaults the sea with thunder
Oppressive like the waves, you are
Submissive, my body down under

Frigid waters, my feet go numb
Maybe it’s safer to stay away – dry
Clenched teeth resist, but I succumb
These words persist, my final goodbye

I used to like it so much more
Your eyes, the Sea
So bright and so hard to ignore
One last time, your eyes deceive

[Buhta]

That new thingsa lot better - actually, i like it much...

[I Love Fat women]

I actually preferred "Ocean resounds the thunder" rather than "sky assaults the sea with thunder", other than that, it's a clear improvement. Especially the first and second stanza, they really flow now and the structure is more consistent. And it sounds a lot less newbiesish. :)