Critq for Critq

[TheOpeningAct101]

Short i know, but thats all that i got. but if you got nay good suggestions i will take them into account.



It was in the warm breeze
That I last saw them,
And last before
Under an early risen moon.
Do you remember?
With tears you mourned,
With cries you scorned,
Loves watchful eye.

[PbEknight777]

i think it is pretty good but there are some flow issues, i would change teh first two lines to flow better, like this

In the warm breeze
I last saw them,

other than that nice job keep it up and if you wanted you could take a look at mine and post what u think

http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=419415

[schwypees]

I agree with PbE - his suggest for the first two lines seems like it flows much better.

I like it a lot - as a poem. Its too short and too wordy for me to think of it as a song, but that doesn't mean its bad.

Nice job

[SubtleDagger]

Putting "before" and "under" next to each other is incorrect, use one or the other. Also, get rid of the last comma. Aside from that it's pretty good.

[yellow_polka.tie]

yeh gota say like others bit short/wordy for song aint bad tho, i like:
With tears you mourned,
With cries you scorned,
also the love's mindful eye is quite cool dunno why but it is not sure what it to refers to, maybe the moon?! but yeh cool but not really a song and bit wordy
plz crit mine at http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?p=10614123