Heres a song i wrote called All on You

[desyfermate101]

All on You-

its all on you, so you better come through
will you answer their call, or abandone them all
we'll build a wall, just to stifle them all
to protect us from, whatevers to come

can you hear the sound, of the common ground
there one and the same, only im to blame
dont judge us all, by the ways we fall
even what we say, can make ones way

chorus: Now, its time to choose, only you, can seek the truth, rising infront of you, Now its time to loose, only you, can seek the truth, now its All on You


take your time, y wont u wait
to learn the truth, and clean your slate
you cannot take, wat u dont make
and you cannot hide, all of your hate
take it step by step, but dont u slip
dont loose their trust, tighten your grip
now you fall, you've made your choice
you cant give up, so hear my voice

chorus



what do u think????

[schwypees]

First two verses are awesome, and I love the rhyme. Chorus is okay - it doesn't stand out like the first verses, but I have no specific criticisms about it.

That said, one criticism I have is the line, "even what we say, can make ones way." Maybe you're trying to hard to keep the rhyming pattern? I think you can come up with something better than that.

And the last verse, when compared to the first two... sucks. You lost the most attractive part of the song, the rhyming pattern.

One thing I would suggest, other than rehauling that last part, is tweaking the structure. Stick a chorus in between the first two verses, don't get caught up on the "v v c v c" pattern. Possibly end by repeating the first verse, as it is much stronger than your chorus.

Sorry if this sounds harsh. I really think its a great song, you just got to work on the end. Hope this helps, and keep writing.