Come One Come All...

[A_Perfect_Sonnet]

Ben Stivers
12/5/05

Come One Come All! It's The Miracle of Locomotion! (Jenn’s Song)

My voice will linger for miles,
If only you could hear it fading.

It cracks and pours through static lines,
And I die at the end of the day,
But left with just enough life,
To hear my heart stop.

I’ve got your words in my head,
Like a ghost on the fallen snow.
Winter brings me back,
And I’m warmed by your beauty.

When I get to the station, when I board that last train,
I could let this cold freeze newly fallen rain.
And I could leave it like that, a crystal clear reflection on glassed over lakes,
But nothing compares to the sight and the heat of the sun
At the break of the day.

And when the crash leaves me stranded,
Could you warm this heart?

[TojesDolan]

Hey there.

My voice will linger for miles,
If only you could hear it fading.

mmm... Normally I'd bash this for being a week starter, but it's you so I have no idea where this may be leading to. I don't know, it also is a bit of a grower... Let me see what this takes me to.

It cracks and pours through static lines,
And I die at the end of the day,
But left with just enough life,
To hear my heart stop.

First line is ace, but I'm not sure about the second one. Seems a tad bit to dramatic. what about focusing in yuor voice and relating it to your life? or making a sup3r c13v3R simile to fit in, like a candle. I see it's a bit crucial for the rest of the stanza to make sense, but that'd mean changing it all to make it different.

I’ve got your words in my head,
Like a ghost on the fallen snow.
Winter brings me back,
And I’m warmed by your beauty.

Good, good. This actually takes us somewhere. I loved this one. Just third line, winter brings me back where? mmm... open interpretations. :thumb:

When I get to the station, when I board that last train,
I could let this cold freeze newly fallen rain.
And I could leave it like that, a crystal clear reflection on glassed over lakes,
But nothing compares to the sight and the heat of the sun
At the break of the day.

First two lines: AMAZING. The rest is spectacular too, but the first two lines are worded really, really nice.

And when the crash leaves me stranded,
Could you warm this heart?

This ending. Probably another line... meh, nevermind, it's alright. I really liked it, despite it starts a bit weakly, but it grows to a much improved form of poetry. Keep going d00d. :thumb:

[drumass04]

Brilliant stuff, I liked it a lot. Nothing I can add to TojesDoLan's post really.

I'd say 8/10.
(Whoever said APS's writing isn't good has just had their boat blasted out of the water.)