Proclamation to a convinced crowd, a hymn

[-:Vincent:-]

These are the lyrics to my bands newest song. Hopefully we'll be recording it within the next few days, I'll post it in the audio arena if we do. Please leave comments/feedback, thanks.

my arms and knees
bent to these walls
this tabernacle feels so small
the bishops got a gun
from father to son

im dressing up in white
button up and tie
to cover up my life
i'm only on the outside

this chapel is crowded
routine is killing me

my arms and knees
bent to these walls
this tabernacle feels so small
the bishops got a gun
from father to son

a piano is ringing
out a silent prayer
this off key note
their sudden stare
my changing testimony
is their growing fear
as im leaving
you will hear
my reverence

this chapel is crowded
routine is killing me
routine
routine
routine

as im leaving
you will hear
my reverence

amen.

[holy_roller99]

my arms and knees
bent to these walls
this tabernacle feels so small
the bishops got a gun
from father to son


first part seems out of rythm. the feel when you put in "tabernacle" throws it out. good though. just work on the rhyme scheme a bit more.


im dressing up in white
button up and tie
to cover up my life
i'm only on the outside



not bad. i like this part because the rhyme is well placed and the use of imagery is nice.

this chapel is crowded
routine is killing me


nice pre chorus.



a piano is ringing
out a silent prayer
this off key note
their sudden stare
my changing testimony
is their growing fear
as im leaving
you will hear
my reverence



this seems to be a bridge if i am not mistaken. how you set up the line breaks make it seem more of a spoken poem then a sung bridge.

this chapel is crowded
routine is killing me
routine
routine
routine

as im leaving
you will hear
my reverence

amen.

the ending is well done. it makes for a nice conclusion that is catchy and sticks in your head and the "amen" is a nice touch.

well, i would give this a 9.5/10 because the use of Tabernacle in the first line throws of the rhyme scheme and seems a bit. i give you a thumbs up for originality for using it though but my advise is stay away from huge words unless you have to. good job and i look forward to hearing the recording.

anyway please crit mine.

http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=420297

[schwypees]

I have a feeling I'm going to get this image in my head next time I go to church.

Great song!

I don't have much to add in terms of constructive criticism as it seems well-refined already. Not sure what tabernable means, to be honest...

Please let us know if/when you post this on Audio Arena, because I'd love to hear it.

Please check mine out:
http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=420897

[-:Vincent:-]

Thanks for the feedback guys, the song is meant to be screamed, and tabernacle is broken up by its syllables. We recorded yestereday, it didn't go to well. Our Guitarist went first, and he had to leave, and when I started recording the drums, the guitar was off, so the whole song got screwed. I think were still posting it on our myspace, but were definently going to record sometime after christmas (were also adding a bunch of other parts).

[schwypees]

If/when you post it on MySpace, will you post the link here?

Thanks.