From Diamonds To Coal

[SubtleDagger]

Winter weighs heavy on your aching shoulders
And I feel it too.
You carry the stains that your eyes washed away
Like chains through the ruins of loves left to gray
In basements untouched.
Too much silence and you're left dead
To all who don't know your heart best;
It beats red in the cold,
And all that is offered
Are the blue-tainted midnights
That trail through your veins.
You're used to laments,
Apologies spent on the telescopes
You've turned toward idle windows,
While I see your stars
Fall and shine and fade
With every passing day.

I don't know.
Your heart is always on display
And mine lies under sand that falls
Upon the cross-marked pages.
It devours all my dreams of you
With every shifting second,
And all I can do is write these cryptic words
To remember where my opaque heart
Began to beat for you:

From coal to dust to diamonds and back,
I saw our shifting shapes;
As sure as crimson turned to black,
We'd never change our ways.

[SubtleDagger]

Bumped.

[xKONRADx]

I like it and would crit, however finals week does not permit.

[TheOpeningAct101]

I really really like this piece. it flows so well and the wording is awesome. i just thought that the bit about the telescope, lines 12-15, kind of ruined the feel of the poem. not too much mind you, but enough for me to notice that something was off. i love who well you paint this picture, its great. one of the better modern pieces ive read of late.

i would appreciated it very much if you would take some time to look over my own finished/unfinished poem http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=420840

[SubtleDagger]

There's two important metaphors going on there, and the flow hits a dead stop on the "windows" line purposefully to set up the stanza transition. Thanks for the crit.

[drumass04]

Not really much I can say. Very nice piece. Some beautiful imagery and use of metaphor.

8.5/10

I may write a more detailed crit at some point, but time doesn't allow at the moment. If I get the chance I will. Good Work :thumb:

[TojesDolan]

I'm not going to suggest changes. I'll just be plain silly and play by the name of the gamezorz.

Winter weighs heavy on your aching shoulders
And I feel it too.
You carry the stains that your eyes washed away
Like chains through the ruins of loves left to gray
In basements untouched.
Not sure about the second line. it's not exactly "Burt-ish" it's too simple. The rest is really good. I like the images that are built here. untouched reminds me of virginal. For some reason.

Too much silence and you're left dead
To all who don't know your heart best;
It beats red in the cold,
And all that is offered
Are the blue-tainted midnights
That trail through your veins.

This is angst, pure angst, apparently, but much more refined than I'm usually used to read in here. There's a lot of commonplace imagery there: veins, red, dead, nonetheless, it has been arranged well enough for me not to mind about it, when I'd usually bitch about the clichéd imagery.

You're used to laments,
Apologies spent on the telescopes
You've turned toward idle windows,
While I see your stars
Fall and shine and fade
With every passing day.

Nice change of pace here. As you said, probably I misunderstood, there's a swift mood exchange, which is good, as it'd have been awful to keep the poem in the way it had been running from the get-go.

I don't know.

Neither do I.

Your heart is always on display
And mine lies under sand that falls
Upon the cross-marked pages.
It devours all my dreams of you
With every shifting second,
And all I can do is write these cryptic words
To remember where my opaque heart
Began to beat for you:

aw, I liked this a lot. passion. A lot of passion.

From coal to dust to diamonds and back,
I saw our shifting shapes;
As sure as crimson turned to black,
We'd never change our ways.

Nice ending. You know I like to kiss butt and what not, so I'll just say what I think: This definitely grows. It doesn't start really smoothly (overly convenient imagery for all purposes, some cliché stuff here and there) but subject didn't really suit for anything more. The similie that gives the poem a name really saves the day. I liked where it picks up and gives the poem a different meaning, if you may call it that way. Overall sexy. :thumb:

[TheOpeningAct101]

There's two important metaphors going on there, and the flow hits a dead stop on the "windows" line purposefully to set up the stanza transition. Thanks for the crit.


i see what your getting at, and i like it even more. great job and thank you very much for critq on my peice. you help me out abit to get back on track, so again, thank you.

[Muse_]

I'll be blunt, because there's not too much I'd change about this. Bluntness makes it seem like there is actually more wrong.:)
Winter weighs heavy on your aching shoulders
And I feel it too.
You carry the stains that your eyes washed away
Like chains through the ruins of loves left to gray
In basements untouched.
I don't like line three. Carrying the stains is great, but the eyes washing away bit I didn't quite enjoy the rest of that line.
Stains to chains, very good. I also enjoyed basements untouched.
The whole effect leads me to picture spinsters. Loves left graying in untouched basements.
Wow, I really like that image.

Too much silence and you're left dead
To all who don't know your heart best;
It beats red in the cold,
And all that is offered
Are the blue-tainted midnights
That trail through your veins.
More spinsters/widowers/old-maids.
This bit I don't have suggestions for tweaking. It works with the rest of the piece.
You're used to laments,
Apologies spent on the telescopes
You've turned toward idle windows,
While I see your stars
Fall and shine and fade
With every passing day.
The last three lines convey a great message, but they're a tad simplistic for the rest of the piece so far. Perhaps this was what you were going for.
I don't know.
Your heart is always on display
And mine lies under sand that falls
Upon the cross-marked pages.
It devours all my dreams of you
With every shifting second,
And all I can do is write these cryptic words
To remember where my opaque heart
Began to beat for you:
You don't know what?
The rest is fine. I liked the cross-marked pages bit especially, and the sand. The line, "Your heart is always on display" is a bit tired for me. Its been used too many times, and the rest of your poem is so original.

From coal to dust to diamonds and back,
I saw our shifting shapes;
As sure as crimson turned to black,
We'd never change our ways.
I like the implied passing of time, but I'm not sure how well the colors mesh with the verse, except for in the rhyme.
If you could draw it somehow to the heart or blood which you've described in color previously, it would flow better.

I enjoyed this tremendously. 9.3/10

[SubtleDagger]

I'll be blunt, because there's not too much I'd change about this. Bluntness makes it seem like there is actually more wrong.:)

Oh good. There's too few blunt people around.

The last three lines convey a great message, but they're a tad simplistic for the rest of the piece so far. Perhaps this was what you were going for.
Yep. It leads into the next line which is as simple as it gets.
You don't know what?
See?

The point here was to purposefully put in an empty phrase to explain a feeling, so as to get to the root of the piece. A lot of people will probably think too hard about it but it's actually just there to express utter confusion.
The rest is fine. I liked the cross-marked pages bit especially, and the sand. The line, "Your heart is always on display" is a bit tired for me. Its been used too many times, and the rest of your poem is so original.
Hm. Never heard it used before.
I like the implied passing of time, but I'm not sure how well the colors mesh with the verse, except for in the rhyme.
If you could draw it somehow to the heart or blood which you've described in color previously, it would flow better.
You're supposed to naturally draw the same similarity, because that's exactly what I meant to convey, but it also means something else that I didn't want to make clear because it's personal. Ambiguity's alright sometimes.

I enjoyed this tremendously. 9.3/10
Thanks a lot for the crit.