Wintersong I wrote tonight

[I Love Fat women]

Something I wrote tonight, I don't have a name for it yet. I'm still quite new to songwriting, but please give me some crits.

--


green turned to gold,
gold turned to white
light turned to dark,
and the world spun around

Where did it go?
yesteryear was here before
everything was perfect
uncertainity is standing at my door
I don't know anymore
what's ahead, what is dead
what's behind, what's the time?

erase my mind
eat my spleen
serve my head
on a silver plate

i sit in my room, late at night
drinking coffee and smoking cigarettes
what's the thing they said?
there's a time for everything
this time and this thing
isn't what i wanted,
i want spring

white turns to green
green turns to gold
dark turns to light
and the world spins around

[spongebath01]

It's really good. The one line that I would omit would be "eat my spleen". I think it's too shocking of an image to fit in.
It has a very poetic feel to it. I think if you want to make it in to a song and add a chorus, just realize what you're trying to state with your song and it should come easily.

Nice work,

Zach

[schwypees]

I agree with songebath, this does have a poetic feel to it. Really good lyrics, and I like how you start/end with the change of season and feeling.

One thing that stood out was that the first verse uses "gold" while the last uses "brown". Was that intentional? I think that if you used the same exact words, in reverse order, it would have a great effect on the song.

The "eat my spleen" line is great, it really accentuates your feeling. That said, it is a bit gruesome.

Great Job.

[I Love Fat women]

I agree with songebath, this does have a poetic feel to it. Really good lyrics, and I like how you start/end with the change of season and feeling.

One thing that stood out was that the first verse uses "gold" while the last uses "brown". Was that intentional? I think that if you used the same exact words, in reverse order, it would have a great effect on the song.

The "eat my spleen" line is great, it really accentuates your feeling. That said, it is a bit gruesome.

Great Job.

You're right about the gold thing, I didn't see it at first, but I'll change it to that. :)

Thanks for the crits so far guys :)

[I Love Fat women]

soo...over a hundred views and only 3 replies, anyone else got some input?

[I Love Fat women]

Anyone? I'll give crit for crit if you leave a link...

[ivy]

lol its got good imagery. very poetic i can kinda like picture it in my head. but why 'eat my spleen?' the whole cannibal thing doesnt really fit that bit about being eaten off a silver plate is a bit odd as well...

[I Love Fat women]

lol its got good imagery. very poetic i can kinda like picture it in my head. but why 'eat my spleen?' the whole cannibal thing doesnt really fit that bit about being eaten off a silver plate is a bit odd as well...

The spleen was once thought to be the centre of human emotion.

[I Love Fat women]

lol its got good imagery. very poetic i can kinda like picture it in my head. but why 'eat my spleen?' the whole cannibal thing doesnt really fit that bit about being eaten off a silver plate is a bit odd as well...

The spleen was once thought to be the centre of human emotion.

[PbEknight777]

i really liked this piece, it had a lot of imagery and i could really feel the message and it flowed well. the canniballistic parts were a little odd though but still cool. 8/10


please crit mine harshly http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=419415

[schwypees]

I didn't write this, but I can only guess - and I'm going out on a limb here - that "I Love Fat women" is not a cannibal. As he explained, the spleen was believed to be the center of human emotion. But knowing that is irrelevant. Its not meant to be literal, its meant to express emotion - which is something this song does really well.

Just out of curiosity, what is the music (if you have thought of it yet) to these lyrics? It seems like a good sof acoustic, but it could also fit into about anything else.

P.S. I just posted my first song, please take a look:
http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?p=10658523#post10658523

[I Love Fat women]

bump

[the oddball]

lol nice song I do have to say that I did like the eat my spleen part. found it sorta interesting and since I have seen a lot of songs that are serious and stuff I liked even more cause it was like a break from all the seriousness and stress from school and stuff (I hope that made sence). But all around its good and i'd say 9/10


And this I know is not really good but I need help so crit as harshly (if you have the time) as you possibly can. http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=420235

[I Love Fat women]

lol nice song I do have to say that I did like the eat my spleen part. found it sorta interesting and since I have seen a lot of songs that are serious and stuff I liked even more cause it was like a break from all the seriousness and stress from school and stuff (I hope that made sence). But all around its good and i'd say 9/10


And this I know is not really good but I need help so crit as harshly (if you have the time) as you possibly can. http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=420235

Thanks for the comment, I'll check out your song.

[schwypees]

I've been thinking about the "eat my spleen" line. The problem people are having with it is not the fact that you say 'spleen' (which, by the way, is a great symbol) but the fact that you say "eat my spleen"

You can get the same message by saying "destroy my speen" or "shatter my spleen" or anything along those lines. It will be just as powerful - without the cannibalistic misunderstanding.

Your crit on my song was really helpful, thanks a lot. I posted the new version, which in my opinion is infinetly better, so if you got time take a look at it and let me know what you think of the changes. Thanks.

[schwypees]

Where did it go?
yesteryear was here before
everything was perfect
uncertainity is standing at my door
I don't know anymore
what's ahead, what is dead
what's behind, what's the time?


Also, I noticed another thing you might want to change. The first the lines of this verse are good, but (depending on if you have written music for it) they can be compacted to:

What happened to yesteryear?
Everything was perfect.

I think that's a lot better, but its your song. But you'd need to add another line in that verse to keep consistent structure. Try adding "And the world spun around" or "I want spring" to repeat the message that you say in the other parts.

Of course, if you have it with music, that would **** everything up. Oh well, just a suggestion. Keep up the good work.

[I Love Fat women]

Thanks for the further review of my piece, I'll look into it and see what I can do. And I haven't put music to it yet either, so, it shouldn't be hard to change around.

Also, I was thinking about changing the third stanza (the eat my spleen one) with this instead:

green is green
gold is gold
white is white
and the world stops in time


What sounds better to you?

Ps. I also dropped another few lines on your piece Schwypees...

[schwypees]

Yeah thanks for your crit - I'm going to think about that thunder line in my piece, thanks for pointing that out.

About that stanza - it looks like a good idea. Though I loved that "spleen" one, it really stood out from the song. Make sure you write that down somewhere, I'm sure you'll want to say something like that in a later song. As for the new one, I like it a lot. It makes the structure/flow of this piece truly amazing. Only problem I have with it is that your new piece (if you switch those) will have three stanzas our of five that are extremely similar. Not to say that you should get rid of one - because they are so brilliant and are the true strength of the song - but maybe add some new verses to seperate them?

I'll keep checking in on this song, so keep working at it.

[DeadReligion]

The first verse is simple, but really quite cool. I got the image of changing lights in my head. Pretty sweet ****. Lol. Lines 2,4,6 and 7 of the second verse are really good. The others were a bit boring. The next part is rather...used? The whole eat my body parts thing...and nothing new was introduced so it didn't come off as original at all. The next part seems a little to..."I didn't get what I want, pity me" BS. So, yeah...I didn't like it. The next part is the same as the first, basically, so I enjoyed it.