Brand new sun

[spongebath01]

Second attempt at songwriting,
Please critique or comment...

Thanks,

Zach



Well, I’ve got a something that’ll make you shine
Make you mine
Make you find yourself, oh ya…

Well, I’ve got a plan to make the whole world better
Sing together
Like birds of a feather, oh ya…

Life is good and you know it
So take a chance and go with it
And if you fall and come undone
Remember that each day brings a brand new sun…

Well, I woke up in the morning with the sun on my face
Delighted by her grace
I began to embrace my life, oh ya…

Well, the clocks are constantly ticking away
Live for today
Before our lives fade to grey, oh ya…

Life is good and you know it
So take a chance and go with it
And if you fall and come undone
Remember that each day brings a brand new sun…

[Jimmo_07]

Hey this is actually pretty good. No better view than an optomistic one. For some reason that first verse really sticks out for me as well. I can't really see anything bad to point out.. So good job!

Till Then..

[ivy]

its good. its really simple but i kinda like that. love the title as well

[spongebath01]

Thanks guys. Any crit?

[insaneflyingmonkey]

I completely agree with ivy, it's simple, but works alright... Uhh.. my advice is don't put in the "oh yeah's" they make it look more amateur. I'm not sure what to say. It's real odd to see something thats not all drear and blear round these parts. Strange. I'm not sure what to say... Maybe I'll come back to this with a crit....

[Classics_of_Love]

Well, I’ve got a something that’ll make you shine
Make you mine
Make you find yourself, oh ya…
I really like this start. The repitition is good. I actually like the 'oh yeah' at the end personally, although I can kind of see where the last poster is coming from. I don't think it will hurt the song at all to leave it in though.


Well, I’ve got a plan to make the whole world better
Sing together
Like birds of a feather, oh ya…
I like the rhyming structure here. It all flows quite nicely so far. A tad bit cliché though and I would watch out for that.


Life is good and you know it
So take a chance and go with it
And if you fall and come undone
Remember that each day brings a brand new sun…
I really like the last two lines here.

Well, I woke up in the morning with the sun on my face
Delighted by her grace
I began to embrace my life, oh ya…
This was my favorite stanza. I just love the first two lines and the imagery there. The only thing I would say is that the way the rhyme sort of comes in the middle of the last line seems to disrupt it a little, but it's not too big of a problem.

Well, the clocks are constantly ticking away
Live for today
Before our lives fade to grey, oh ya…
Again you begin to drift into clichés here. I would recommend re-working this stanza, or maybe even removing it. I think it's probably the weakest part of the song.

Life is good and you know it
So take a chance and go with it
And if you fall and come undone
Remember that each day brings a brand new sun…
A good ending, kind of sums up the feeling of the song. Again, I really like the last two lines.

My one criticism would be that it's not terribly original, but we need more simple songs like this. Your style is good, so I'm not criticising that. I just mean that you're saying something that has been said before. That being said though, I still really enjoyed it.

[spongebath01]

http://www.soundclick.com/bands/pagemusic.cfm?bandID=104171

The audio version of the song is up now!!!

Tell me what you think...

Thanks for the comments so far guys...

Its crit like this that helps a guy improve

[insaneflyingmonkey]

Actually, my advice supposed to be (I didn't make myself clear) just to not type them. Sing them, cus it'll make it fit better to the beat, but don't type oh's, yeah's, oh yeah's, grunts, groans or wild screeching because those add to the audiotry version, but not the writing. Or so I've been told...

[spongebath01]

Actually, my advice supposed to be (I didn't make myself clear) just to not type them. Sing them, cus it'll make it fit better to the beat, but don't type oh's, yeah's, oh yeah's, grunts, groans or wild screeching because those add to the audiotry version, but not the writing. Or so I've been told...

I see what you mean, but it's just so I don't forget them.

Can you listen to the song (in the link I posted previously) and tell me if the "OH Yeahs" are good or bad...?

[insaneflyingmonkey]

Currently listening... the lyrics sorta reminded me of Grateful Dead, because they're actually happy/positive, plus you mention a celestial body.

Sounds pretty good. Kinda soft/positive like your singing to your g/f or child. It's nice, there's a couple verses you didn't type out, right? Or am I cracken?
About the "oh yeah's", like I said, they're to improve the audial interpretation (which they do alright), but don't add much to the unspoken word on the page, likewise, it's often considered poor to type in front of the chorus: (this part is screamed). Y'know? When we listen to the song, we'll get it, but when we crit on here, we crit as more of a poem, which is why people expect a higher quality here, because (to quote Drive-By Truckers) it always, "sounds better in the song."

[spongebath01]

Currently listening... the lyrics sorta reminded me of Grateful Dead, because they're actually happy/positive, plus you mention a celestial body.

Sounds pretty good. Kinda soft/positive like your singing to your g/f or child. It's nice, there's a couple verses you didn't type out, right? Or am I cracken?
About the "oh yeah's", like I said, they're to improve the audial interpretation (which they do alright), but don't add much to the unspoken word on the page, likewise, it's often considered poor to type in front of the chorus: (this part is screamed). Y'know? When we listen to the song, we'll get it, but when we crit on here, we crit as more of a poem, which is why people expect a higher quality here, because (to quote Drive-By Truckers) it always, "sounds better in the song."


Thanks a lot man...

It's good to get feedback

[Jimmo_07]

Just finished listening to it, and it does go well with the song. But i must disagree with Insaneflyingmonkey about it sounding like it's being sung to a g/f or a child.. And this is aside from the actual lyrics, but the music break right after you sing the chorus the second time is wicked. Good work with everything!

Till Then..

[spongebath01]

Just finished listening to it, and it does go well with the song. But i must disagree with Insaneflyingmonkey about it sounding like it's being sung to a g/f or a child.. And this is aside from the actual lyrics, but the music break right after you sing the chorus the second time is wicked. Good work with everything!

Till Then..

Thanks!
The song was wrote to an ex-girlfriend who was kind of depressed