The Odyssey of the Heart :crit crit crits:

[SparksofWind]

Across the bridge I walk
slowly to the death of my soul
pushing through the reckless journey
all is dangersome
all is cold

The hands of the creature are soft
but it's intentions are hard as the ground in which I lay
face down drowning in my thoughts
bleeding from my wrists

I hold on to something unseen
unheard
deceptive and sophistical
breaking away at a listless pace

I'd kill for the day
when the blaze in your eyes
brightens my darkness
and blinds out tribulation

My mind is wandering
The candle burned out long ago
engulfing my love
into the smoke of you

yeah i apologize for the emoness. i always try to write about other stuff..but then it always turns into that. o well. lol

constructive crits are wonderful!!!
thanks:thumb:

jess<3

[MidnightHysteria]

Good imagery. However, I don't think "sophistical" or "dangersome" are words, and small fonts are NOT cool for posting lyrics/poetry with if you expect other people to read them. There's also a couple cliché phrases/ideas in there, but not enough for me to consider it a serious problem.

[SparksofWind]

sophistical is a real word

sophistical-plausible but misleading

dangersome isn't but hey...nothing like a new form of creativity...
haha okay you got me on that one. And sorry for the small font...I didn't think it was going to be such a big deal but I'll change it. And yes, I'll work on the cliche phrases. Thanks for the crit!

[peaveyrules]

I really like the opening few lines the most. However, yes, dangersome isn't a word, and while it fits well, you may want to look into changing.

I'd kill for the day
when the blaze in your eyes
brightens my darkness
and blinds out tribulation

The other best part of the song in my opinion. Not bad, I like it, as a reader, there seems to be a little something missing from the context, but so far its good.

[PbEknight777]

the poem was tyte 8/10
the word dangersome 9/10

please crit mine better than i crited urs
http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=419415

[tell.me.something.typical]

Across the bridge I walk
slowly to the of my soul
pushing through the reckless journey
all is dangersome
all is cold
This stanza gives me most of the emotions going on, which always catches me in a good way. Nice way to open the poem, it makes me want to read on....
The hands of the creature are soft
but it's intentions are hard as the ground in which I lay
face down drowning in my thoughts
bleeding from my wrists
Very good imagery used here, which I love in a poem. Not like emo is bad, but the last line is cliche. The third line is the best to me, so good.
I hold on to something unseen
unheard
deceptive and sophistical
breaking away at a listless pace
Like previously mentioned "sophistical" sounds out of place you should try "sophisticated" or something. This whole stanza doesn't get my attention as much as the first one, but its still good.
I'd kill for the day
when the blaze in your eyes
brightens my darkness
and blinds out tribulation
I love this stanza. Beautifully said, it gives me alot of imagery.
My mind is wandering
The candle burned out long ago
engulfing my love
into the smoke of you
Nice way to end it. I especially like the last two lines, I've never heard it phrased like this.
yeah i apologize for the emoness. i always try to write about other stuff..but then it always turns into that. o well. lol
Theres nothing wrong with emo, even though they don't like it to much on here.
Overall:
Good imagery throughout the piece. I like how you have to let it sink in before you get it.
Score:
91%

[DeadReligion]

You've created a new word, commendable. No, I'm not being sarcastic, it's always cool to create new words. I should make some...I've always wanted to.