Angel Tree

[FVG27]

...

[BassMan182]

hmm, not entirely sure about all the "" parts, but i quite like the message. i particulary like the second line - kissing leaves as they go. 7/10

[MidnightHysteria]

I don't like the change in POV between the verses and the choruses, but it's rather good aside from that.

[FVG27]

I don't like the change in POV between the verses and the choruses, but it's rather good aside from that.
POV?

[MidnightHysteria]

point of view (first person, second person, third person)

[Jubella]

I like this, great vocabulary and imaginery, except for the chorus. I found it a bit too simplist with its easy questions

[TojesDolan]

uh... uhuhuh.... ahem... OK.

Verse 1
Angel white tears fall,
Kissing the leaves as they go,
"Come quietly little one,
it won't hurt, it's not far"
Others join in the jump,
She refuses to give in,
"If I wasn't afraid of the pain,
then I wouldn't be scared of the fall"

Second line. Could be worded better. Probably play around more with "fall"... or maybe some other wording. One... far... strange rhythmic balance here. Line before it finishes and the last one as well are maybe a bit too... I don't know. It could have been worded better. Maybe the approach is simplistic. I'll do more research on this.

Chorus
What am I now?
What is so wrong and what is so hard?
Me and my fear too close,
I wish I could say
I wish I could say,
Bur for now I'm too scared to break away.

I'm not a fan of choruses. Unless you make it extra catchy, it doesn't appeal me. This isn't catchy, though. The subject isn't exactly something you can really squeeze too much juice from, so yeah, let's give it approval.

Verse 2
"I'm too young" she says,
Alone on the angel tree.
Days and nights pass again and
She struggled to hear them beg.
"It's ok..." she hears quietly
On the winds that brings the voice
"Don't be afraid little one,

Good... wait when I have time I'll revise this better. It's good so far. Simplistic, yet gets a point ahead... yes.

what... WHAT!!!

Chorus 2
What am I now?
It might not be wrong, but is it too hard?
Fear please leave me now,
I wish I could say,
One day I might say,
But for now I just can't break away.

Much better chorus.

[INSERTCOMMENTHERE]

Yeah, I'll make this a good post tomorrow. Bloody soccer games. :(

[FVG27]

boomp

[Electric Riley]

Angel white tears fall,
Kissing the leaves as they go,
"Come quietly little one,
it won't hurt, it's not far"
Others join in the jump,
She refuses to give in,
"If I wasn't afraid of the pain,
then I wouldn't be scared of the fall"

Ooh... spooky. This is a really good start. I love how you've set up the song - it uses great imagery and metaphores but the story isn't lost. The repetition of "in" in "Others join in the jump,/She refuses to give in," sounds a bit off. Other than that, all good.


What am I now?
What is so wrong and what is so hard?
Me and my fear too close,
I wish I could say
I wish I could say,
Bur for now I'm too scared to break away.

This chorus is kind of dull. It's very well written - it just doesn't contain anything interesting. The rhyme and repetition work well, but it sounds like lots of songs, its not very original. Also the grammer on the 3rd line doesn't work.

"I'm too young" she says,
Alone on the angel tree.
Days and nights pass again and
She struggled to hear them beg.
"It's ok..." she hears quietly
On the winds that brings the voice
"Don't be afraid little one,

This is good again. I really like the verses in this song, they're quite creepy in a way. I like how you've accentuated how young the girl is. Maybe this verse needs more new content - you need to move the song on a bit, keep telling the story.

What am I now?
It might not be wrong, but is it too hard?
Fear please leave me now,
I wish I could say,
One day I might say,
But for now I just can't break away.

This chorus is slightly better. Only slightly, but the same things apply again.

Overall, I love the verses, but you need to rework the choruseseseses. The best part of each chorus is the last line - simple and effective, and it ties it together. The rest needs to be rewritten. Maybe add another verse as well, to finish or at least continue the story of the self-doubting girl.

8/10

Please crit http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=418171

[FVG27]

...

[Electric Riley]

Take your time. Just don't disappoint me with a one-line comment.

No-one else seems to pay any attention to me.

I love you babe.

Not in the traditional, romantic sense. In a friendly way.

[FVG27]

Take your time. Just don't disappoint me with a one-line comment.

No-one else seems to pay any attention to me.

I love you babe.

Not in the traditional, romantic sense. In a friendly way.
I'll make a decent one don't worry, which is why I'l do it later so I have time to think about it :thumb:

[TojesDolan]

Thanks :) I agree about the choruses, they're always my weak point. I'll get to critting yours once I've done my revision.
Hi. Choruses are always meant to be catchy, they are the part that everyone will think "fuck this song is amazing" So it's either mushy or it's nothing at all. Take the Rasmus' hit song of the moment "no fear".

the chorus is this, repeated over and over again:

No fear,
Destination darkness

Wow. PURE SONGWRITING GOLD OMGOMGOMGOMG.

Anyhow, on a more serious note, I should say that playing around with uncommon settings for the overall song, like instead of making a "music-lyrics" chorus, just make a "music" chorus, but play around with the lyrics of the chorus.... Probably you've never heard of Dream theater's "strange deja vú", probably you have, but that song has a musical chorus, but no lyrical chorus.

That must help.

[FVG27]

One last bump- crit for crit.

[kerazay]

WELLLLLLLLL!!! if you're promisin crit for crit!

I can't say this is one of my favourite posts ever seen on this site but it's good, I'll give you that.

Verse 1
Angel white tears fall,
Kissing the leaves as they go,
"Come quietly little one,
it won't hurt, it's not far"
Others join in the jump,
She refuses to give in,
"If I wasn't afraid of the pain,
then I wouldn't be scared of the fall"

I think that this was the best part of the song, except all the quotation marks in it. Is there some reason that they have to be there? I think it'll actually look better if you take them out.

Chorus
What am I now?
What is so wrong and what is so hard?
Me and my fear too close,
I wish I could say
I wish I could say,
Bur for now I'm too scared to break away.

I was quite confused by this. What does it mean? What does it have to do with the first verse? Well, I saw it as that the persona of the song was afraid to take a risk in the first verse, and so in the chorus you're showing that she doesnt know who she is because of it? As for a chorus in an actual song, it seems too much like a verse-I can't imagine myself singing along with it as a chorus.


Verse 2
"I'm too young" she says,
Alone on the angel tree.
Days and nights pass again and
She struggled to hear them beg.
"It's ok..." she hears quietly
On the winds that brings the voice
"Don't be afraid little one,
I'll take care you"

When I read this it all became clearer-I was still using my interpretation above. I like that you're sticking to the same subject matter and not wandering off into some other imagery-very good!

Chorus 2
What am I now?
It might not be wrong, but is it too hard?
Fear please leave me now,
I wish I could say,
One day I might say,
But for now I just can't break away.

This chorus was better but again I can't really picture it as being the part that everybody sings on a song...

So far I give this a 6/10. When you're done with your revised version please post it so I can crit it, I really want to see how you change it.

And here's mine so you can crit it: http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=416427

Hope to see it soon!

[FVG27]

Ok everyone seems a little confused about the chorus and quotation marks so I'll try explain a wee bit. The quotation marks are when the 'angel white tears' (snow) are talking to the leaf (except at the end of v1, tat's the leaf), but you guys reckon it would be better without then? I put them in to make it easier to separate the story from the speech. As for the chorus, it's from the leaf's point of view. The song is about a leaf falling from a tree, and the chorus is basically the leaf saying 'why am I so scared, it'll probably be alright, but tbh I'm a little scared and i don't want to jump'. I might post a recording later of the chorus, see what you think with the music. And kerazy, thankyou for the crit, I'll get on yours now :)

[FVG27]

http://s12.yousendit.com/d.aspx?id=2IFSMHKLUONWL0G7SMEZOWNJ5H
there's a recording of the song