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flywithdiamonds
11-25-2005, 08:22 AM
A short piece about a lost friend, based around the "girl who wanted to be God" concept. Any comment welcome and all crits will be returned, if you leave a link at the bottom of your post. :) Thanks for reading.


A Modern Day Plague

Aphrodite’s girdle of finely wrought gold,
Wove her magic against your soul.
Now no mirror will look her in the eye,
Their contorted reflections can only lie.
But such is glamour amongst the lusts of life,
When a Goddess rises to our scarlet pride.

The prodigal child that's escaped the heavens,
Has found love, entranced in her reflection.
Cursed by her father for the grace she has spoken,
She taints her eyes as her vanity's awoken:
With every white-pearl earring and diamond necklace,
She succumbs to the seeping girdle’s bitter taste.

Nowhere to go at the height of her perversion,
She's trapped by the flaws of human imperfection.
Risen from the ocean of her majestic glory,
Her worn, ageing face tells a different story.
She clutches the Gods girdle to her chest, waiting alone,
For her forsaken father to envelop her and take her home.

tell.me.something.typical
11-25-2005, 10:58 AM
Overall:
All in all pretty good. I like the imagery, it gives me a good picture of what is going on. It also has a nice "Egyptian" tone to it. There's alot of words that some might have to look up if the don't about Egypt stuff, but that always makes it more interesting to me. There's not any problems I can see with this so I don't have crit, sorry. Maybe someone who is a better writer can help you.
Score:
82%

flywithdiamonds
11-25-2005, 04:58 PM
I think you mean Greek rather than Egyptian but thanks all the same for the kind words.

Father Nature
11-25-2005, 11:40 PM
definitly very unique... i like the vocabulary, good choices of words

'no where to go at the height of her perversion' - nice one
you should add more to it!

could you give my song a look? http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=417578

flywithdiamonds
11-27-2005, 05:44 AM
Thanks very much for reading, I'll get onto a critique of your piece shortly :) Anyone else care to read and review?

Jubella
11-27-2005, 08:14 AM
again, here's an amazing piece! I really like your stuff, youre one of my favorite writer here! So i'll do my best to crit this.

Aphrodite’s girdle of finely wrought gold,
Wove her magic against your soul.
Now no mirror will look her in the eye,
Their contorted reflections can only lie.
But such is glamour amongst the lusts of life,
When a Goddess rises to our scarlet pride.
I really can't fine anything wrong here. The flow is incredible, the imagery is wonderfull, and your vocabulary is unbelievable. I particularly like the last line. Oh and i like your title too.

The prodigal child that's escaped the heavens,
Has found love, entranced in her reflection.
Cursed by her father for the grace she has spoken,
She taints her eyes as her vanity's awoken:
With every white-pearl earring and diamond necklace,
She succumbs to the seeping girdle’s bitter taste.
Wow again! The only thing is maybe your first line, i dont really like the word heavens, but it is only an opinion. ethereal skies would be my proposition. But everything here is excellent!

Nowhere to go at the height of her perversion,
She's trapped by the flaws of human imperfection.
Risen from the ocean of her majestic glory,
Her worn, ageing face tells a different story.
She clutches the Gods girdle to her chest, waiting alone,
For her forsaken father to envelop her and take her home.
you really have good rhyms all over this, it never sounds forced. great ending.
as a main idea, this is an amazing piece, i didn't find anything wrong. I really like your mythological references, its interesting. I give you 9.85/10. you have an unbelievable imagery and a carefull choice of words. Keep writing, it would be i crime to stop!

Jubella
11-27-2005, 08:17 AM
i'd be really happy if you have the time to crit this!
http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=418010

factor46
11-27-2005, 11:39 AM
The piece had a feeling with a mixture of despair and even moreso, hope. It flowed well in most places, though it seemed as if some of the lines could possibly be shortened to improve it even more. And despite the fact that your word choice was very good, and made the piece read very intellectually, you had just about every line end in rhyme. Not saying that that's a bad thing, just I personally find that to be tacky and a little unpleasant to read. But that's probably just me. Now lines like this:

"With every white-pearl earring and diamond necklace,
She succumbs to the seeping girdle’s bitter taste."

...made the piece very enjoyable to read though. I really was amazed at how superbly you were able to mix high-level vocabulary with outstanding imagery.

You did a very good job with this one. :thumb:



And thanks for the critique on mine.

TojesDolan
11-27-2005, 01:53 PM
Ugh. Times new roman.

Aphrodite’s girdle of finely wrought gold,
Wove her magic against your soul.
Now no mirror will look her in the eye,
Their contorted reflections can only lie.
But such is glamour amongst the lusts of life,
When a Goddess rises to our scarlet pride.

I know this is good because it confused the sh¡t out of me first read. It almost makes me forget the excessive rhyme. Some extra words here and there seem unnecessary: "now, but", the sentences would make sense anyhow, in my opinion... the rest is good.

The prodigal child that's escaped the heavens,
Has found love, entranced in her reflection.
Cursed by her father for the grace she has spoken,
She taints her eyes as her vanity's awoken:
With every white-pearl earring and diamond necklace,
She succumbs to the seeping girdle’s bitter taste.


Good... bad rhyme in the middle section, though. spoken-awoken is to obvious. the rhythm is great, though. I get the idea behind it... Cool. Yeah that last line is ace.


Nowhere to go at the height of her perversion,
She's trapped by the flaws of human imperfection.
Risen from the ocean of her majestic glory,
Her worn, *ageing face tells a different story.
She clutches the Gods girdle to her chest, waiting alone,
For her forsaken father to envelop her and take her home.

*aging. The last lines are good, but as they are finishing lines of the piece, they have to outstand from the rest... I don't know. it could be better. I liked it a lot, to tell you the truth. I liked the God references and everything. Interesting piece you got there. However... I don't... nah just kidding. it's a great poem.

Crimsonpunk
11-28-2005, 07:35 AM
Great piece, you manage to tell a pretty easy to follow story whilst still
remaining elusive about it, the imagery is top aswell. Try changing awoken to just 'woken' though, it flows better, although i'm not sure if it's grammaticaly sound.
CHeers for your crit again.

tell.me.something.typical
11-28-2005, 03:16 PM
I think you mean Greek rather than Egyptian but thanks all the same for the kind words.
haha oh yeah that's what I meant.