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Love2Lust
11-21-2005, 01:16 AM
Okay guys hows it going. Its been a long *** time since my last post here, and I've gotten involved in a few bands since I left. One is a p*rn* funk band (just for kicks) and the other is a rock/metal band...and we just won a pretty big battle of the bands type of thing in our hometown.

Anyways, my singer does alot of free verse writing and wanted me to give it a go. This is kinda messed up, alot of the timing can't be read by how i wrote it, so sorry guys. But this is metal, so...yeah...give it a go! Its not meant to all rhyme...and parts are meant to sound weird...its metal...give me a break! :rolleyes: So yeah, parts that seem wierd...thats becuase its sung in a different manner...again...C4Cw/link...have fun...


Show them how its done (free verse)

This distance,
reminds us,
of a time when we were lost and worthless,
This comfort,
it shows us,
that we have found our new self conscience,

Remember,
the people,
who said that you couldnt do it,
Now tell them,
what you've done,
and show them that you could do it,

The Memories remain,
and the games are still the same,
but we, rush on through and pretend to feel no pain,

These memories remain,
and the games have stayed the same,
so tell me, are you more than worthless?


Youve found your place,
and youve pushed the needles,
so deep,
into your skin,

Learn the pain,
cope with it,
that way you cant hurt again,

You wished for help but it wasnt dealt,
now you force your way within,
so you fight the people who stand and face,
if you can reach the core then you can break free of sin,


I helped you out I leant a hand and you just took all in stride,
so now im gonna say what you did that day and you better ****ing tell me why,


Pain, the pressure, the hatred, the power, the pain, the needle, the pleasure, the power, the pain, the pleasure, the needle, the pain, the pain, the pleasure, the pain...

Remember, they told you, you wouldnt make it,
Remember, they told you, you couldnt take it,
Remember, they told you, you would fail






Oh yeah, and I know people are gonna say that ****ing only demeans the song...well...I know...and I can live with that...and you will have to too lol

MidnightHysteria
11-21-2005, 04:51 AM
This is metal?? It actually reminded me a lot of the Who for some reason I can't place. Anyway, there are a couple of parts that stood out to me as not being as good as the rest of it.

Learn the pain,
cope with it,
that way you cant hurt again
This is just poorly worded. It shouldn't be too hard to word this in a way that it's clear what you mean (right now it's just sort of garbled).

I helped you out I leant a hand and you just took all in stride,
so now im gonna say what you did that day and you better ****ing tell me why
Aside from the swear, this just doesn't add up with the rest of the piece. For instance, we don't know what the "you" character did that day. Also, "you just took all in stride" should probably be "you just took it all in stride".