Perfect Eyes

[phuh que]

this is kinda old, but just to get me started on here...

Those perfect eyes are now no longer
Brilliant, Flashing now just somber
Once they mirrored glee, content
But now mirror contempt, resent
those perfect eyes are watching you,
those perfect eyes are watching you,
those perfect eyes are watching you,
those perfect eyes are watching you...
A glance or gaze will burn your soul
And bring you misery untold
Destroy your sanely state of mind
Destroy your incline to be kind
those perfect eyes are watching you,
those perfect eyes are watching you,
those perfect eyes are watching you,
those perfect eyes are watching you...
There is no hope their souls been sold
Surroundings turned their feelings cold
Of youth, yet dusky as if old
Their tragic story left untold
these perfect eyes are watching you,
these perfect eyes are watching you,
these perfect eyes are watching you,
these perfect eyes are watching you...
Theyll dig through to the depths of heart
Theyll dig back out and tear apart
Theyll thrust you through the gates of hell
They pitch perception blinding spells
Confuse senses of taste and smell
Within in them is where havoc dwells
Within them lies ure grim demise
These eyes are ons you should despise
And for this I apolgize
These perfect eyes are mine.


tell me i aint kill on this....

[Cactus Joe]

First off, using colors that make text hard to see is a bit uninviting. ;)

Beyond that, I like the imagination here. Especially that way it ties together at the end through the final line.

I also applaud you on the rhyming. It's a tricky thing to pull off while still employing meaningful words. You've done a pretty good job of this. The only time you seemed to falter with it some is here:

"Destroy your sanely state of mind
Destroy your incline to be kind"

This seems a bit forced, although I do like the first line a lot.

One other thing I might point out is this:

"Within them lies ure grim demise"

Though this is an internet site, internet lingo and shortcuts are much better left out. They really pull down the artistic value.

I would suggest trying to modify it a bit but over-all good job. :thumb:

[few_dollars_more]

As mentioned above, fantastic rhyming and word choice. I think the sequence of

those perfect eyes are watching you,
those perfect eyes are watching you,
those perfect eyes are watching you,
those perfect eyes are watching you...

seems to get really repetitive, and don't know exactly how this song is sung, rhythmic-wise, but it sounds very repetitive, and judging by your verses, you could do a better job.

Their tragic story left untold
And bring you misery untold

They are in two different spots but they did stick out to me, using the same words to rhyme twice (Unless during chorus) doesn't really appeal to me.

Other than that, fantastic song, keep doing what your doing. 8/10

P.S. If ya got any time, I would appreciate a crit back, thanks.

[drumass04]

I really like it, apart from the chorus. I think it is a little too repetitive. Other than that very good. Hardly any of your rhyming seems forced and there is some nice imagery.

[phuh que]

thanx for the feed