second piece, crit 4 crit

[DNA]

i wrote some music to this it works really well, i think i should change something but i don't know what please crit. PLease do ignore the political message in this as most people probably disagree with euthanasia.

Chemistry

Chemical consciousness
Running like ants
There is a thin line between life and death
Liquid life
Push down the plunger
Just another day at the office
Chemical mood control

Is it right to cheat death,
Even if they don’t want to anymore?
Let nature take life.
Chemical life control

Musical life support
Ringing through the white halls
short sounds, steady beat
Long notes, the melody of death
But lets just prolong the pain
(prolong the pain)

i have posted my first piece as well which can be found here (http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=413994)

[Jubella]

Chemical consciousness
Running like ants
There is a thin line between life and death
I like the two first lines, but there's something about the last that I don't. Maybe it's a little too simple and a bit cliché to talk about the line between life and death. Try to find a way to say this without mentioning it, it will be real better in my opinion.
Liquid life
Push down the plunger
Just another day at the office
Chemical mood control
this part is really nice, good idea with the liquid life and the plunger, i really like it. chemical mood control is interesting too.
Is it right to cheat death?
Even if they don’t want to anymore
Can you really extend the last breath
Can they wait to meet their lord?
I guess this is the chorus! But I think that it is also the weakest point of the song. First, you have two questions in it. Maybe one would have been enough. I'd take the last one, but would really change the first. Its way too simple, especially after the previous verse. I suggest you to work on that part so it can equals the rest of the song, cuz the chorus is the part who'll be hear the most! It has to be spectacular!
Musical life support
Ringing through the white halls
Sharp notes steady beat
Long notes, the melody of death
But lets just prolong the pain
(prolong the pain)
You've got another great verse here. The only thing I can really blame you on, is that you repeat the word "notes" two times , and it's a bit boring to hear the same words two times in two lines. I like the idea of the musical life support. And you could have not finish this song a better way then you did!

So, for a main crit idea, i'll say that you have a great song, a bit waste by your chorus, but it can easily be fix. I'd give you 7.8/10, mostly because of the chorus.

[Jubella]

I'll be very happy if you have the time to crit mine!
http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=412968

[Iamanidiot]

I love the implications of the piece, very thought provoking. I think that the "There's a thin line between life and death," line falls below the intergrity of the rest of the piece. I don't know it just seems like you could come up with a better way to get the same idea across in that line and make it have more of and impact. The line very direct whereas the rest of the stanza is very figurative, and it just seems insignificant to me, whereas this could be the line that nails the stanza home. Anyways, that's just my interpretation, playing around with it couldn't hurt. I like the work though, very thought provoking. Kudos.

[MidnightHysteria]

I think the figurative language of the first stanza is superior to that of the others. The idea of music as life in a piece of music which is against unnatural prolonging of life is rather contradictory I think.

[DNA]

the line 'There is a thin line between life and death' is where the piece is based around, would be silly to take it out

[kerazay]

I really like this. I'm a person who ISN'T opposed to euthenasia so I thought this was very cool. My favourite part was the chorus-

Is it right to cheat death,
Even if they don’t want to anymore?
Let nature take life.
Chemical life control

Where the **** do I begin?! Lol it's amazing, the whole thing just blew me. I'd be really flattered if you would take a look at mine, I think you could give me some great pointers. It's called "Speaking to the Sky."

Great work man, 10/10 from me. :chug: I'd buy you a drink to celebrate if I could!

[atabner]

"There's a thin liine between life and death"

May be the SENTIMENT that the piece is about, doesnt ahve to be stated as obviously. Subtlety and imagery is your friend, as it has been in much of the rest of the piece.

[Father Nature]

this is freaking sweet man

very unique style... different than so much stuff i see on this site.

some of the parts of that last verse seem a little short... very simple words.

you should definitely make this piece a lot longer.
Good job!

here's a song i've mine you should give a look at... i'd definitely value your opinion

http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?p=10617788#post10617788

[DNA]

Thanks dudes, crits have definitely helped in the development

Here's (http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=419247) another piece if you're interested