The Last Letter

[poo-poo-pee-pee]

Hey, this is just a first draft attempt that I wrote in class the other day. Many changes shall be made, and I'll probly write a new chorus, 'cause I don't like the current one. So, tell me what ya think.

The Last Letter

Verse 1

This is the last letter, that I will send,
to you, and anybody else.
I leave my regards, and best wishes,
for you, and anybody else.
As the black ink stains the paper,
my tears blur out the words.
Our time is done in this world,
but in the next I will be yours

Verse 2

Mark the last letter, that i will send,
to you, and anybody else,
with a fingerprint, inscribed with blood,
for you, and anybody else.
we started off with nothing,
and we ended up with less.
My sins are laid upon the paper,
that's where they'll be confessed.

Chorus

I leave you,
with these words of wisdom;
live each day as if it were you're last.
And take a chance,
Do as I say,
Not as I've done in the past.

Verse 3

This is the last letter, that I will send,
to you, and anybody else.
I leave my regards, and best wishes,
for you, and anybody else.
I sit and watch the world pass by,
slaughtering my time.
Murder victims of themselves,
this murder will be mine.

Repeat Chorus
...and that's it.

Thanks in advance for any replies.

[MrMorden]

i didnt read it so i cant comment, sorry:(

[MrMorden]

lol, ok i read it. it was good

[Jubella]

Verse 1
This is the last letter, that I will send,
to you, and anybody else.
I leave my regards, and best wishes,
for you, and anybody else.
As the black ink stains the paper,
my tears blur out the words.
Our time is done in this world,
but in the next I will be yours

So, nothing absolutely extraordinary in those first lines, but they sound very good! I do not like repetition very often, but I really like yours, the "you, and anybody else". It gives a real good idea of how the writer of the letter feels, I really felt it. So, you prove here that it can be simple and as intense. For the following four lines, it's kind of the same feeling I got, and that's good cuz they're part of the same verse. The last lines didn't sound cliché to me, only cute. That's nice cuz they could have easily sound awful déjà-vu.

Chorus
I leave you,
with these words of wisdom;
live each day as if it were you're last.
And take a chance,
Do as I say,
Not as I've done in the past.
Ok,the chorus. As i said previoulsy, it's so easy to fall in the cliché, and you unfortunately did here. It's not awful, but it can be better. The "I leave you" and "Take a chance" are the worst. But the two last are fine, leave them like that, they're great. One good thing: it fits with both of the verses really nice.

Verse 3
This is the last letter, that I will send,
to you, and anybody else.
I leave my regards, and best wishes,
for you, and anybody else.
I sit and watch the world pass by,
slaughtering my time.
Murder victims of themselves,
this murder will be mine.
Wow, you really ended it well! The emotion is has its best here. You tell half what's gonna happen, but it's really clear. You also take back the beginning of the song, and it sounds great. The two last lines are incredible, I really like it. Good job with this verse. It fit to end with the chorus that is nice.

so, for a main crit, I really liked it, maybe just some changes to do in the chorus. Its a really sad song, but i like this. Your writing is simple, but works very well. I'd give you 8/10! Great song!