A Cold Autumn's Eve (another short one) - crit for crit

[--Attaboy_Skip--]

Thanks for reading!

A Cold Autumn's Eve
Kyle Belanger

A pale mist creeps across the lawn
As the sun lies down to sleep.
The grass bids its fond farewells
And each blade begins to weep.
The trees grow bare, the days grow short,
The frigid winds do blow;
The sapphire moon has now arrived
As well as the first snow.

Green to white, the blanket descends
Over the world, bare and dead.
Sadly this snow shan’t melt come March
It’ll last all year instead.
The drifts grow high, the breeze grows fierce
With the blizzard’s cruel descent;
Consumed inside the foul winter
Of my own discontent.

- Cheers!

EDIT: Well it's been a good few weeks since I first posted this and to cope with my boredom, I decided to add on to the concept behind this poem.

[Hutch306]

Wow. Makes me cold thinking about it. I'm from Texas, so I don't get my fair share of snow or a true autumn feel. However, I think this does decent justice as painting the picture for me, for some reason. The words just seem to paint the picture in my head, which is a good thing I guess. 8/10

[Severedlemon]

I really like the imagery you use, it paints a strong picture in your head.

As for a suggestion you can make it into whatever you feel like, it has the potential for it. When i read the last line i can't help but picture a fox forreging for food for some reason, don't know why. Just a thought.

But it has potential to be very good, keep doing what your doing as it will take shape and reveal itself to you. 8/10

[Silverhammer]

i like the alliteration in this piece and the imagery you provide to shape the area of concentration. This piece has much potential, as said before. There are, however, a few lines that i think weigh the piece down.

A pale mist creeps across the lawn
The frigid winds do blow
As well as the first snow

when reading, these lines didn't do anything for me, they felt bland. The piece overall does a swell job at describing, i just wish it had an underlying meaning in it, not that it has to, just that it would be more powerful. But you don’t have to do that, you could just be more descriptive and vague in certain lines so it leave the reader open for more interpretation beyond that of the title. Hope this helps.

[KillaBink]

I love the rhyme. It has the 3 S's; simple, short and sweet. Not much for suggestions except for some ironing out. I did read above that you're wondering where you could go with this piece. Personally, I think you're already there. So I went ahead and made a suggestion for a song, with a few changes in the wording. Take what you want from this, it's just an idea.

A pale mist creeps across the lawn
As the sun lies down to sleep.
The grass waves its fond farewell
Each blade begins to weep.

Days grow short
Nights grow long
Longing for a love

Shedding trees begin to grow bare
As they heed winter's call
The sapphire moon has now arrived
As well as the first snow fall

Days grow short
Nights grow long
Longing for a love

[KillaBink]

I love the rhyme. It has the 3 S's; simple, short and sweet. Not much for suggestions except for some ironing out. I did read above that you're wondering where you could go with this piece. Personally, I think you're already there. So I went ahead and made a suggestion for a song, with a few changes in the wording. Take what you want from this, it's just an idea.

A pale mist creeps across the lawn
As the sun lies down to sleep.
The grass waves its fond farewell
Each blade begins to weep.

Days grow short
Nights grow long
Longing for a love

Shedding trees begin to grow bare
As they heed winter's call
The sapphire moon has now arrived
As well as the first snow fall

Days grow short
Nights grow long
Longing for a love

[drumass04]

:amaze: That is absolutely fantastic. I love the imagery and the rhyming. So what if your writing is short, not all poems need to be epics. In fact I prefer shorter poetry.

9/10

[Happy_Squirrel]

I agree with drumass. Excellent imagery. I also like poems that get to the point. 9.5/10.

[hippity]

agree :D

[--Attaboy_Skip--]

Wow, some generous feedback here! Thanks for all of your words of encouragement.

KillaBink, thank you for your suggestions. The way you've altered it could easily fit as a song. I appreciate your help very much!

I will return all of the favours within the next day or so as I have been quite busy lately.

[slack]

A rather harmless slice of life. The descriptions are all decent, if only slightly melodramtic. But the real question is, at least for me, why's this scene worth writing about? I didn't find any of the insight (lines 3-4, specifically) all that interesting.

So yes, it's very vivid. Congratulations on that. Maybe you should tackle the question of why an autumn's eve should be interesting to write about. Try a metaphor, like say, the seasonal autumn versus that of an old man's life. There's all sorts of ways this can go, but I guess my real point is that this piece would be better if it did go somewhere, as opposed to being a vivid, but rather pointless set of lines.

[--Attaboy_Skip--]

Due to my new stanza, I'm bumping this poem all the way back to the from page for criticism. After a couple of suggestions to add some insight to make it more than just a vivid few lines, I believe that I have now done so. Hope you enjoy the addition.

A friendly reminder than I will return any crits made. Thanks.

[cytoplasmicglob]

Hmm, the first thing that this piece makes the think is the fact that the rhyme scheme and structure are just a little bit standard. What I do notice, is that the adjectives and descriptors work wonderfully at conveying the mood of a cold, miserable autumn night.
Of course, looking at the piece metaphorically (unlike slackjaw), I could see this at possibly being a bit of an introspection on your life, and how you could possibly be completely bogged out with stress out of nowhere. You obviously see the turning of the new season as something a bit negative, as if you are showing signs of being unable to move on to the next phase in your life. I'm not entirely sure if that's what you were trying to point out within this, but that's what I got from it...

[--Attaboy_Skip--]

You would be right in pointing this out, cytoplasmicglob. Or at least, you could interpret it like that. To be absolutely honest, I never really had a specific idea of what the snow and season change would represent; I knew it was going to be negative but what it was going to be, I was unsure of. This is where the reader comes in to interpret it and fabricate their own idea of what it could mean so I say to you, "Yes, the weather could be a simple usage of pathetic fallacy to represent a sudden realization of stress in my life." (Which is actually true with tons of assignments and essays being due over the next week or so). Unless anyone else can come up with an alternate meaning then I think that you've hit the nail right in the head and deserve a cookie.

Thanks for your words. Do you have any pieces up that you would like my to take a gander at?

[--Attaboy_Skip--]

BUMP for the last time before I let this die.

[Muse_]

A Cold Autumn's Eve
Kyle Belanger

A pale mist creeps across the lawn
As the sun lies down to sleep.
The grass waves its fond farewell
And each blade begins to weep.
The trees grow bare, the days grow short,
The frigid winds do blow;
The sapphire moon has now arrived
As well as the first snow.
Rhyme and rhythm are great. You could make the pentameter a bit tighter by making tiny adjustments, but it is nice with a few rough edges.
The weakest line in this was "As well as the first snow." It was a very simple and unaspiring line as compared to the rest of the stanza. While this is not necessarily a bad thing, your last line in each stanza should pack a punch in order to entice the reader into continuing.

Green to white, the blanket descends
Hiding the path ahead.
Sadly this snow shan’t melt come March
It’ll last all year instead.
The drifts grow high, the breeze grows fierce
With the blizzard’s cruel descent;
Consumed inside the foul winter
Of my own discontent.
The first four lines in this stanza don't appeal that greatly to me. The idea is great, the snow lasts year round because it is more of a psychological winter. (Or perhaps I'm reading to far into it :)). You could introduce this a bit more subtly though.
The last four lines are very strong and end this piece nicely. I like the theme of the winter of your discontent. This is a venerable old theme that works nicely here with all of your winter imagery.

This poem is very pretty, among other things. The form and some of the word choices are throwbacks to more traditional styles than we usually see here. Nicely done.
This strikes me as existentialist. You've portrayed your own emotions and state-of-mind so linked to the change of season and environment. Again, well done.

I enjoyed this piece. Several parts still need a bit of polishing or re-working, but even now it can be enjoyed for its content and the thought behind it. Very nice. 8.2/10