Oblivious (not the stupid game show)

[tell.me.something.typical]

This is a poem I just freestyled on the computer, most of time I write it on paper first, then I edit it and stuff. I haven't had the chance to do that yet.
I added some to this, but it's still not finished; please crit:


You will think of words to say
And feel better about yourself
It will go right over my head
And you hear words that love
To take my confidence for all its worth
My head will stay down
I'm ashamed of her
It's the same her with me
My will talk behind my back
Even when they know I can hear them
They could care less
Fall into a deep deep sleep
With the hypnosis it's eyes bring
The words look so soft
And yet they sound so harse
So how can you fall asleep?
I'll scream the words I choose to sing so softly

[CrashingDown213]

not bad.. i don't have time right now. but i'll come back and give a better crit later, sorry.

[tell.me.something.typical]

Can anyone give me a crit, 42 views and nothing.

[Jubella]

You will think of words to say
And feel better about yourself
It will go right over my head
And you hear words that love
To take my confidence for all its worth
Not so bad, the two first lines are the best in this part(sorry, i separate it so i can crit it better!) It sounds a bit cliché, especially for a poem. maybe you can make it sounds better.

My head will stay down
I'm ashamed of her
It's the same her with me
My will talk behind my back
Your last line is pretty good, i liked it a lot. Beside, I'm not too sure if i got the "her" right.

Even when they know I can hear them
They could care less
Fall into a deep deep sleep
With the hypnosis it's eyes bring
The words look so soft
And yet they sound so harse
I like the thing about hypnosis and the rest, it is nice. But i'm a bit mix up. You started the poem with "you", after it was "her" and now it's "they". I don't really get to who this poem is adress. But maybe it's only me who didn't figure it out well.

So how can you fall asleep?
I'll scream the words I choose to sing so softly
Take your pick
Is this right or wrong?
the second line is the greatest of the whole poem in my opinion, it express very well the emotion you want to share. But i don't really like the way it ends, with this easy-cliché question. And i don't really get what you mean to be right or wrong. I don't know if it's because i'm too dumb, or if its because it is not clear enough .

As a main idea, this is a good poem. Not extraordinary, but really far from bad. I suggest you to work more on the subtilities of your stanzas and pay attention to the cliché. i'd give you 7/10, which is really not that bad! sorry, this is not my best crit ever, but i'm real tired! hope you'll get more crit, people can be so cheap!

[TojesDolan]

I'll do it. I'm unbusy at the moment. I have to say I dislike rushed work. It tells like you have no idea when anyone else is reading.

You will think of words to say
And feel better about yourself
It will go right over my head
And you hear words that love

Cliché. Standard writing, nothing astonishig.

To take my confidence for all its worth
My head will stay down
I'm ashamed of her
It's the same her with me
My will talk behind my back

OK I see no point in making a full critique, because this resolves to the same writing over and over again. There's no spark here, I want to see spark, dammit! This was nothing I'd have even considered critiquing, but I think it's a little above the ones that can't be saved for no reason. I guess you could... maybe tweak it a little bit.