Agnostics are hxc.

[Littlejohn]

I feel like this piece is missing something (perhaps a hook), I'm not sure. Nonetheless:


The Good News

Under city lights
I took a walk with God
He brought up the sins
that he swore he had forgot
I prayed for some guidance
I thought I heard him say,
"Forgive and forget"
Before he turned away
So I forgave
Tried to forget
But memories still linger
In the back of my head
So I prayed again
"Tell me which path to take"
This time with no answer
So each night I lied awake

Waiting for a reason
Waiting for a cause
Now there's an ashtray
Where my bible was

He inquired
As to why we haven't spoken
Well, silence takes two
His church doors wouldn't open
I just didn't have the time
He was a song stuck in my head
A splinter from a bookshelf
Full of books I haven't read
And as one fell to the floor
The binding worn and used
Each page that fell out
was as empty as the pews
In the church that holds meaning
And the key to salvation
Perhaps they know the truth
But we're all just searching for consolation

Waiting for a reason
Waiting for a cause
Now there's an ashtray
Where my bible was

I wish I had my faith
I wish I still believed
I've fallen from your grace
You've died inside of me.

[tell.me.something.typical]

I feel like this piece is missing something (perhaps a hook), I'm not sure. Nonetheless:


The Good News

Under city lights
I took a walk with God
He brought up the sins
that he swore he had forgot
I prayed for some guidance
I thought I heard him say,
"Forgive and forget"
Before he turned away
So I forgave
Tried to forget
But memories still
In the back of my head
So I prayed again
"Tell me which path to take"
This time with no answer
So each night I lied awake

Waiting for a reason
Waiting for a cause
Now there's an ashtray
Where my bible was

He inquired
As to why we haven't spoken
Well, silence takes two
His church doors wouldn't open
I just didn't have the time
He was a song stuck in my head
A splinter from a bookshelf
Full of books I haven't read
And as one fell to the floor
The binding worn and used
Each page that fell out
was as empty as the pews
In the church that holds meaning
And the key to salvation
Perhaps they know the truth
But we're all just searching for consolation

Waiting for a reason
Waiting for a cause
Now there's an ashtray
Where my bible was

I wish I had my faith
I wish I still believed
I've fallen from your grace
You've died inside of me.
Overall: Wow, this is crazy because this is exactly what I've been going through. I love this, it's very religious. Just curious, what kind of religion were you? I don't really see anything missing; sorry that I can't help you with that.
Score:
90%

[Littlejohn]

I was primarily christian, but lately I dunno...I wish I still was.

[MidnightHysteria]

The ideas are pretty cool, especially in the first stanza. However, the flow throughout most of this is rather choppy. As for what it could be missing.... I'm not sure. Perhaps a clever alliteration; those are always fun.

[DeadReligion]

I kind of like this, the first four lines are excellent. I'm an atheist sooo, yeah. I mean, I look around this world, and cannot find any evidence of god's existance, and certainly not of his ability to forgive, and to be merciful. He's still pissed off because one of us...a LONG time ago, at one of his precious apples. Jesus Christ...just get over it. But anyway, this song isn't great, not bad though.

[Electric Riley]

Join the Atheism clan.

And don't you dare feel guilty about your non-Christian-ness.

[Rounder]

well, the sentiment of the poem I liked. I went through a similar experience, going from christian to athiest. Although my experience was attributed to a lack of communication from god, it was also a discovery of many truths that god or the bible could not account for.

Anyways, Although I liked the jist, the delivery was for me, a little too simplistic, although thats not the word im looking for. The delivery (not the meaning) reminds me of something you would find on a cheap plaque sold in a bookstore with a picture of the beach or a bird in the backround. I would like to see you go deeper and explore the personal trauma the experience has caused, and maybe grab a thesaurus and try to come up with better word choices. I can infer your meaning, and you have some good imagery, I would like to see you get a little more in depth. Also, i didn't really get the astray part. Are you smoking cigarettes instead of being a christian? I think maybe something else in that line insead of an ashtray would be more meaningful.

as far as a hook....I don't really know, I don't think a poem like this needs a hook. Technically i think the astray part is the 'hook', but like I said, something else there might have more impact.

Keep it up.

[insaneflyingmonkey]

Really good, I share the Agnostic dealie, 'cept I've always been agnostic, never been Christian or nothing else my whole life.
Otherwise:
"'Tell me which path to take'
This time with no answer
So each night I lied awake"

Not too fond there,

"He brought up the sins
that he swore he had forgot"

For no reason, I like that. I really and truely like that part. Also the, "empty as the pews" bit.


Overall: Quite a lovely piece, I'm real impressed. You get a big thumbs up from me.

[jimbob2222]

i like the chorus ....i dont think theres anything wrong with it. the verses......eh.....they're alright. I don't think you'll really get ALOT of good crits from atheists..........and you'll probably get alot of good ones from christians......but its decent. it would make a good P.O.D. :-p

[Littlejohn]

i like the chorus ....i dont think theres anything wrong with it. the verses......eh.....they're alright. I don't think you'll really get ALOT of good crits from atheists..........and you'll probably get alot of good ones from christians......but its decent. it would make a good P.O.D. :-p

Did you read the song? It's about not being christian. Also, POD is horrible lyrically so I take that as an insult.

[Rounder]

I was about to ask that...did you actually read the poem?

[sinkman]

That was very good. I'm horrible at crits, I'm not a very good writer.

I think I'll read that over like 8 times before the night is over.

Very good.

[uncommensense52]

Like everyone else has said, I went through exactly what this lyric says. This has a crap load of power, intensity and accesibilty to it. I wouldn't change much. I think your weakest point is your chorus

"Waiting for a reason
Waiting for a cause
Now there's an ashtray
Where my bible was"

I'd throw in some kinda like, metaphor here or something, give it a little kick and a little more length, but you have a great hting goin here!