For my Father

[drumass04]

This is the first poem I've ever liked once I've written it and read it again. I think it still needs a little work, but in my opinion it has the makings of a poem to treasure.

For my father.

Tears flowed as if from the clouds,
My heart strings were plucked by the mighty one.
A tune more beautiful than a freshly picked rose,
Delusions of a perfect world, memories of times gone by,
All darted through my mind,
Cracking the discomfort, that had formed inside of me.

As he’d left, I’d wept as if the world,
Was coming to an end, it wasn’t worth living in.
Nothing left except frayed fragile nerves,
And displaced hearts.
Known as a man of education and religion,
He’d left his eminence in a world where he cannot be.

The curtains closed around his body,
The end of an era, the beginning of a new chapter.
I was left with only my heart and mind,
Everything I tried to clear my head failed, pictures continued to appear,
As if from nowhere, images of a man and a train,
Flashed before me, nothing could rid them from my heart.

Memories became important from that day,
Everything I faced I saw in a different light.
Treasuring the entirety of all that I did,
Appreciating the life and freedom I’d been given.

Precious memories,
Of a simplistic, idyllic world,
Left behind,
For evermore.

Tim Peacock
16/11/05

Any suggestions welcome. Please be truthfull, if you don't like it say so, and tell me why.
Crit for Crit.

[zeppelin_freak07]

wow, i think that is pretty powerful. it has a lot of meaning to it as well. im not going to crit it to much becuase im to tired, but really, theres not much to crit cuz u didnt force any lines to make the lyrics rhyme and take stray away from the real meaning. pretty good. i would be proud of it and treasure that one if i were you.

[sinkman]

I like the use of larger words and the effect of them upon me. Very interesting. This is definitely a quality song/poem. Whatever it is.

[drumass04]

Wow, thanks guys :) I must say I wasn't expecting that much praise.

I don't like to make things rhyme unnecesarily, I think as long as it flows it doesn't matter.

I wrote this for my father. He died just over a year ago, and this is the first poem i've really liked that has truly echoed my feelings.
Cheers
Tim

[SkaRabbit]

i've read this before on your msn space...good

[Silverhammer]

i agree with everyone else on here, this is a very powerful and well crafted poem. The ideas, metaphors, imagery, diction is all calculated to have higher and sometimes symbolic meaning which is excellent. the repeated stanzas i would take make it one and place it at the end because that four lined stanza is the most powerful and would work well at the end of the piece and would give it a more poem look as to a song pattern which it comes off as. also, one change i would suggest is in the second (or third) stanza that begins:

As he’d left, I’d wept as if the world,
Was coming to an end, it wasn’t worth living for.

i suggest changing the "for" to "in" because living for the world doesn't make too much sense, to me anyway also you make a rhyme with religion further down in that stanza. Other than those miniscule things I would say you have a well constructed and organized piece with a coherent thought that conveys a powerful message and get a 9.5/10 from me.

Thanks for the crit and sorry it took awhile

[drumass04]

Thankooo!!!
I've edited the original piece to accomodate for your suggestions. Thanks a lot :)

Tim