Mrs. Johnson (new for my solo punk CD)

[CSD & the Soul Machines]

Mrs. Johnson

Bullfrog singing me the blues and whites
While his flag is burning red
Dress the prince with bloody kisses
While he rules above the dead
Address this letter to the parents
Glad to have your business, thanks!
I regret to inform you, but
We strapped him to our tanks

We'll give you money, we'll shoot some guns
And not just a few, but twenty-one!
We can give you anything you want
But we can't bring back your son
We'll give you money, we'll shoot some guns
and not just a few, but twenty-one!
I've tried everything under the sun
But there's no pleasing Mrs. Johnson

[Iamanidiot]

The color symbolism is really good and works really well within the piece. It to me the second stanza/chorus, the second part, isn't as strong as the first, but it is catchier. I guess I'm not quite sure what effect you're going for, but it's good work, I just think you could make the second verse stronger, it seems more direct than the first which like I said that might be the effect you're going for. Good work 8.6/10

[theredwonder]

MMPR writes good Punk lyrics.

I'm going to crit this within the next two days.

[CSD & the Soul Machines]

I have the music done, I just have to record the words and it'll be done. It's only 1 min 40 sec.

[theredwonder]

Link it to me when you've done it pleash :)

[CSD & the Soul Machines]

Yeah will do hopefully.

[MidnightHysteria]

The part that needs the most improvement is the very last line. In all the others in that stanza, the final stressed syllable is the final one. However in the 8th line, you stress the 2nd-to-last syllable instead and it sounds very out-of-place. If this isn't based on an actual person, I recommend changing the name, and if it is, you may have to rework the entire stanza, or pronounce her name awkwardly.

[CSD & the Soul Machines]

The part that needs the most improvement is the very last line. In all the others in that stanza, the final stressed syllable is the final one. However in the 8th line, you stress the 2nd-to-last syllable instead and it sounds very out-of-place. If this isn't based on an actual person, I recommend changing the name, and if it is, you may have to rework the entire stanza, or pronounce her name awkwardly.

It works. I can see how you may think it wouldn't, but it does.

[CSD & the Soul Machines]

Can anyone actually crit this plz?