Vero

[ATC]

*writes a love song*

Vero

It rains in Guatemala. The defunct I
And the elegant you; The butterfly sneeze
The timbers creak on gilded shallows.
You forgot to mention the shortened night.

It lasts in Israel. You have my guitar
Strings in place of a lilting ring.
The voices answer in prayer, double rhymes
Te Amo, Te Amo.

It lingers in Vancouver. The recoil of springs
Awaken the neighbors. The sound of soft
Breath is nothing old, sated.
A wink in time.

It distils on the Sunshine Coast. The punctuated
Nuzzle over lavender oceans until we are clay.
Because we were clay.

[tell.me.something.typical]

*writes a love song*

Vero

It rains in Guatemala. The defunct I
And the elegant you; The butterfly sneeze
The timbers creak on gilded shallows.
You forgot to mention the shortened night.

It lasts in Israel. You have my guitar
Strings around in place of lilting rings.
The voices answer in prayer, double rhymes
Te Amo, Te Amo.

It s in Vancouver. The recoil of springs
Awaken the neighbors. The sound of soft
Breath is nothing old, sated.
A wink in time.

It distils on the Sunshine Coast. The punctuated
Nuzzle over lavender oceans until we are clay.
Because we were clay.
Overall:
Nice spanish words I like that(I speak spanish).I don't like the lines: "You have my guitar
Strings around in place of lilting rings"
there's just something that seems out of place about this. But other than that I would have to say very nice. It has very good use of imagery, and I like the references to the countries, very unique. I think should write a little bit more to this, just because.
Score:
85%

[TojesDolan]

Helloz ATC. How ya doing this lovely evening. :D

It rains in Guatemala. The defunct I
And the elegant you; The butterfly sneeze
The timbers creak on gilded shallows.
You forgot to mention the shortened night.

The imagery here is beautiful. I really liked what has been done here... The line breaks are a bit... dodgy, in my opinion. But I've always had a thing for disliking them in a certain way... Nah I love it.

It lasts in Israel. You have my guitar
Strings around in place of lilting rings.
The voices answer in prayer, double rhymes
Te Amo, Te Amo.

This one isn't as flowey as the last one... it has less words to make it feel more like a separate ideas than a full-*** stanza. I don't know what lasts in Israel, though. Kinda gets a point, but then it goes somewhere else... I mean, it's great, but understanding it takes a few reads. :p

It lingers in Vancouver. The recoil of springs
Awaken the neighbors. The sound of soft
Breath is nothing old, sated.
A wink in time.

I'm still confused about what leaves, and what lasts... I don't know, it made so much more sense with "it rains"... we're not talking about the climate in the other two, though... Unless we're talking about the rain and the clouds which is unlikely... The love thing feeling? This stanza, on the other hand, is also amazing... "wink in time" is a good idea-break...


It distils on the Sunshine Coast. The punctuated
Nuzzle over lavender oceans until we are clay.
Because we were clay.

*Distills, my friend... no wait. O well, you can use either. Forget it. :)

This one is a really, really great idea and stanza, both as a finishing line, or even as what makes the whole thing worth even if the rest sucked (which by the way doesn't)... This stanza makes my night... Great idea behind it.

(Insert butt-kissing comment here, along with bad jokes and some lol's here and there)

You got it, ATC. :thumb: This LC is going to get interesting,.

[ATC]

Thanks for the comments, guys. This is in response to my lovely girlfriend writing me a love poem in Spanish that while I could not understand, I completely adore. She's got a place in all those countries and we have a trip to a log cabin in the woods on the sunshne coast coming up. The guitar string reference is obviously something I should elaborate on. She wants me to give her two intertwined guitar strings made into a ring to mark our relationship in lieu of a normal ring. I'm still figuring out who might have a soldering iron I can borrow. I'll edit that slightly. And 'it' is supposed to be love. What? I did say it was a love song. Dammit, I have a right to be sappy. :)

Gimme a link, and I'll crit in return.

Edit: How goes Nano, Tojes?

[TojesDolan]

Oh, no, I think it's amazing, but the whole places stuff was a little sketchy, they were too random, if you ask me. :p It was a great part of the poem, anyhow.

And post the poem here, I'm quite acknowledgable with Spanish. :D And Nano is alright, I could be doing better, this whole weekend will be dedicated to Writing the novel and see if I can get far lol.

[tell.me.something.typical]

And post the poem here, I'm quite acknowledgable with Spanish.
I think some things are left better unknown, then it's more special;but thats just me.....

[drumass04]

It rains in Guatemala. The defunct I
And the elegant you; The butterfly sneeze
The timbers creak on gilded shallows.
You forgot to mention the shortened night.


A fantastic start, some beautiful imagery. I especially like 'The timbers creak on gilded shallows' Nothing I'd do to improve this stanza :thumb:

It lasts in Israel. You have my guitar
Strings in place of a lilting ring.
The voices answer in prayer, double rhymes
Te Amo, Te Amo.

I quite like this stanza, but it seems a little bit disjointed. It's as if you have tried to fit as many ideas into as little space as possible. I often do it in my own writings. Hopefully it's something I'll grow out of with experience. I don't think there is anything that really jumps out at me as outstanding, but still after a few reads I liked it.

It lingers in Vancouver. The recoil of springs
Awaken the neighbors. The sound of soft
Breath is nothing old, sated.
A wink in time.

Again your imagery is rather good, but it still seems a slight bit disjointed. All in all a nice stanza. My favourite part is probably 'The recoil of springs' or 'The sound of soft Breath is nothing old.'

It distils on the Sunshine Coast. The punctuated
Nuzzle over lavender oceans until we are clay.
Because we were clay.

Hmmm, you imagery here is fantastic, it really does draw a picture in my mind. Nothing I'd really change in it. I agree with Tojes Dolan, that last line is superb, I don't know why, but it is! I also like the idea of 'lavendar oceans'

Overall a nice piece, it loses its flow in some places but other than that beautiful imagery and a fantastic song/poem.

Good on you!
Tim