Untitled - c4c

[atabner]

Hey guys - this is the first song I've ever (co-)written that's been put to music - hopefully the start of songwriting for my band.

It goes at a decent speed, with minorish verses and very definately major chorus. We've done some interesting things with the flow and rhythm, so it may not appear to flow, I don't know as I can't read it any differently to how we sing it now.

Let me know what you think. Thanks, as usual, c4c.

Untitled

Staring out the window
watching the rainfall
listening to the clock
ticking there on the wall
sometimes suicide seems just like the easy way out

some hours take seconds
some minutes take lives
why does time drag
when i know it can fly
When hope is all you've got it takes courage to crawl

[Chorus]

I want to shoot for the moon
land on the sun
herald the dawn
by the northern lights
breathe in deep
hold on tight, might as well
take that ride
or die tonight


When you're down at the bottom
there's nowhere to fall
all in on the river
trying to paddle ashore
failing costs nothing
when you've already lost it all

[chorus]
[chorus]acapella
[chorus]

[Happy_Squirrel]

Staring out the window
watching the rainfall
listening to the clock
ticking there on the wall
sometimes suicide seems just like the easy way outI didn't care for this verse. The first four lines were just ho-hum and then you break out with the unexpected and (IMO) out-of-place "suicide solution" in the last line. I'm sure that there's supposed to be other things going on in this guy's mind, but the transition from watching the rain and the clock to contemplating suicide is just too much of a left turn. Also, I'm not a big fan of songs about the taking of one's own life.

some hours take seconds
some minutes take lives
why does time drag
when i know it can fly
When hope is all you've got it takes courage to crawlI loved this verse except for line 3. It's rather bland compared to the rest.

I want to shoot for the moon
land on the sun
herald the dawn
by the northern lights
breathe in deep
hold on tight, might as well
take that ride
or die tonightPretty cool chorus. I dig all the planetary imagery. I like the last line here better than the end of the first verse even though it also deals with death. This verse reads more like "I'm going for it all even if it costs me my life" instead of "I hate life, I want to die" or whatever. It also flows better.

When you're down at the bottom
there's nowhere to fall
all in on the river
trying to paddle ashore
failing costs nothing
when you've already lost it allThis verse is alright. The first two lines are really good. Middle two are O.K. Last two are very similar but weaker than the first two.

I think that parts of this are great but the first and third verses are kind of weak. If you rework those verses I think that you could have a really powerful piece. :thumb: