I just finished up two songs, and I'd appreciate input!

[Pete]

Hey, I haven't posted here in forever, but I just forced myself to finish the lyricsfor two of my band's songs. Rules state that I can only post one at a time, so here goes;

IS THIS IT?

Now's not the time to start pointing the fingers
Not the time to start placing the blame
Now's the time to start asking the questions
Will this world ever be the same?

The media painting opprobrious travesties
Of a heterogenous people with different beliefs
To discredit a race, keep them held in submission
In saltmines, Guantanamo Bays and Abu-Ghuyrab prisons

And I hope that the day will arrive
When your birthright, your culture
Makes you fear for your freedom and your life
Maybe then you will know what it's like
When the load of injustice
Bends you down like a splinter in your spine

Yeah, I hope I'll be around to watch Babylon burn
To watch these omni-fascist structures overturn
Yeah, I hope I'll be around when the bricks start to fall
And crackle fractures deep within these parting walls

Is this the future we envisioned
One half as victim and the other half imprisoned
Was this our implicit suspicion
All along

As an important historical document
Remember these atrocities carried out by western governments

So, any thoughts?

[MidnightHysteria]

Read the forum rules and edit this post accordingly.

[Pete]

Yeah, as I said, I haven't gone in here in forever. Thanks for the heads up.

[Naminator]

mmm i don't think fans really appreciate "sobrebuscada" words i think they lose the feeling except if it goes with some death metal which may be nice

[SkaRabbit]

sounds like a black eyed peas song

[SubtleDagger]

The song's alright, I just have a completely unrelated question: what's with you negging me in the emo/screamo community thread?

[TojesDolan]

When did you get back your account? :(
Forget it don't answer lo. Here's my crit, And remember, if you want to receive you also have to give. At least in this place. :D

Now's not the time to start pointing the fingers
Not the time to start placing the blame
Now's the time to start asking the questions
Will this world ever be the same?

This has a rather fluid vibe... I like it... Except that it's not exactly something that I'd say "Damn, that's so deep". It's much, much better than most of the thing I see around here, but it's not really up there with the big gamers. Up to this point, I must make the acclaration. The rhyme was a little meh as well.

The media painting opprobrious travesties
Of a heterogenous people with different beliefs
To discredit a race, keep them held in submission
In saltmines, Guantanamo Bays and Abu-Ghuyrab prisons

Yeah, this almost goes to the crapper due to the insane use of "big" words, but you stopped just in time, good for you. :) The thing is I think that bolded line is more like "Of heterogenous people with different beliefs", Just because you're talking about "people" and you know. single objects what's up. But to tell you the truth I didn't find it that meaningful. "Guantanamo" and "Abu-Ghuyrab" can be difficult for flow... Maybe.


And I hope that the day will arrive
When your birthright, your culture
Makes you fear for your freedom and your life
Maybe then you will know what it's like
When the load of injustice
Bends you down like a splinter in your spine

That rhyme... I think the only real complain I have with this poem is the amateurish rhyme... They're rather cheap... at least in my opinion. But don't believe me, though. Another thing I found strange was the constant change of paces... it starts of simple, then it's more... "big words"... and then goes back to simple... Oh yeah sorry, this stanza is alright.



Yeah, I hope I'll be around to watch Babylon burn
To watch these omni-fascist structures overturn
Yeah, I hope I'll be around when the bricks start to fall
And crackle fractures deep within these parting walls

...And back to the more complex stuff... I like the complex ones better, to tell you the truth. The more simple ones are... way too simple. They don't even try a little. They're just plain linear, to a certain point, boring. If I could choose a word for this poem/song it would be "inconsistent". It has two great sides to it, but you don't focus enough in any to make it enjoyable as a whole.

Is this the future we envisioned
One half as victim and the other half imprisoned
Was this our implicit suspicion
All along

As an important historical document
Remember these atrocities carried out by western governments

Yeah, good ones. As I said already, for being inconsistent I found this poem through two paths: The path that makes me think "Well, this is good, for being a simple punk/rock song" but makes me wonder "mmm... the potential in this is amazing", in terms of complex/simple. It's alright as partial stanzas, but as a whole it's way to different on the inside to make it enjoyable. If that was the intention forgive me, I wasn't really paying a lot of attention. :)

[Pete]

mmm i don't think fans really appreciate "sobrebuscada" words i think they lose the feeling except if it goes with some death metal which may be nice
I'm guessing you mean "big" words, or something, and I get what you mean. Although it is the eloquent, well-informed apporach I'm going for, rather than playing on emotions. It's for a punk rock song, by the by.

sounds like a black eyed peas song
I was under the impression that you hadn't heard it :)

The song's alright, I just have a completely unrelated question: what's with you negging me in the emo/screamo community thread?
I haven't negged you, so it was probably the fag who hijacked my account who did it. Sorry, Burt. Comment more on my songs though :)

[SubtleDagger]

I haven't negged you, so it was probably the fag who hijacked my account who did it. Sorry, Burt. Comment more on my songs though :)
Oh, don't worry about it. Just be careful, change your password and delete your cookies and such.

[TojesDolan]

Now's not the time to start pointing the fingers
Not the time to start placing the blame
Now's the time to start asking the questions
Will this world ever be the same?

This has a rather fluid vibe... I like it... Except that it's not exactly something that I'd say "Damn, that's so deep". It's much, much better than most of the thing I see around here, but it's not really up there with the big gamers. Up to this point, I must make the acclaration. The rhyme was a little meh as well.

The media painting opprobrious travesties
Of a heterogenous people with different beliefs
To discredit a race, keep them held in submission
In saltmines, Guantanamo Bays and Abu-Ghuyrab prisons

Yeah, this almost goes to the crapper due to the insane use of "big" words, but you stopped just in time, good for you. :) The thing is I think that bolded line is more like "Of heterogenous people with different beliefs", Just because you're talking about "people" and you know. single objects what's up. But to tell you the truth I didn't find it that meaningful. "Guantanamo" and "Abu-Ghuyrab" can be difficult for flow... Maybe.


And I hope that the day will arrive
When your birthright, your culture
Makes you fear for your freedom and your life
Maybe then you will know what it's like
When the load of injustice
Bends you down like a splinter in your spine

That rhyme... I think the only real complain I have with this poem is the amateurish rhyme... They're rather cheap... at least in my opinion. But don't believe me, though. Another thing I found strange was the constant change of paces... it starts of simple, then it's more... "big words"... and then goes back to simple... Oh yeah sorry, this stanza is alright.



Yeah, I hope I'll be around to watch Babylon burn
To watch these omni-fascist structures overturn
Yeah, I hope I'll be around when the bricks start to fall
And crackle fractures deep within these parting walls

...And back to the more complex stuff... I like the complex ones better, to tell you the truth. The more simple ones are... way too simple. They don't even try a little. They're just plain linear, to a certain point, boring. If I could choose a word for this poem/song it would be "inconsistent". It has two great sides to it, but you don't focus enough in any to make it enjoyable as a whole.

Is this the future we envisioned
One half as victim and the other half imprisoned
Was this our implicit suspicion
All along

As an important historical document
Remember these atrocities carried out by western governments

Yeah, good ones. As I said already, for being inconsistent I found this poem through two paths: The path that makes me think "Well, this is good, for being a simple punk/rock song" but makes me wonder "mmm... the potential in this is amazing", in terms of complex/simple. It's alright as partial stanzas, but as a whole it's way to different on the inside to make it enjoyable. If that was the intention forgive me, I wasn't really paying a lot of attention. :)

Sorry for the double post.

[Pete]

This has a rather fluid vibe... I like it... Except that it's not exactly something that I'd say "Damn, that's so deep". It's much, much better than most of the thing I see around here, but it's not really up there with the big gamers. Up to this point, I must make the acclaration. The rhyme was a little meh as well.



Yeah, this almost goes to the crapper due to the insane use of "big" words, but you stopped just in time, good for you. :) The thing is I think that bolded line is more like "Of heterogenous people with different beliefs", Just because you're talking about "people" and you know. single objects what's up. But to tell you the truth I didn't find it that meaningful. "Guantanamo" and "Abu-Ghuyrab" can be difficult for flow... Maybe.



That rhyme... I think the only real complain I have with this poem is the amateurish rhyme... They're rather cheap... at least in my opinion. But don't believe me, though. Another thing I found strange was the constant change of paces... it starts of simple, then it's more... "big words"... and then goes back to simple... Oh yeah sorry, this stanza is alright.





...And back to the more complex stuff... I like the complex ones better, to tell you the truth. The more simple ones are... way too simple. They don't even try a little. They're just plain linear, to a certain point, boring. If I could choose a word for this poem/song it would be "inconsistent". It has two great sides to it, but you don't focus enough in any to make it enjoyable as a whole.



Yeah, good ones. As I said already, for being inconsistent I found this poem through two paths: The path that makes me think "Well, this is good, for being a simple punk/rock song" but makes me wonder "mmm... the potential in this is amazing", in terms of complex/simple. It's alright as partial stanzas, but as a whole it's way to different on the inside to make it enjoyable. If that was the intention forgive me, I wasn't really paying a lot of attention. :)

Sorry for the double post.
Yeah, it was written in two stages - first stage was me feeling all wordy and intellectual, and writing the second, third and fourth stanza. The rest, I force-finished beacuse I desperately need lyrics. I was hoping it wouldn't show, but alas it does. I'll definitely think about reworking it to be more consistantly wordy :p Especiallt the first stanza - it's lame, and it doesn't really communicate anything at all.

Also, it's "a people" as in, "a gropd of people" (in this case, middle-eastern people in general). Isn't that gramatically correct?

Yeah, the flow has suffered a bit (not a lot, or even overly noticable, just that the rhythm changes a bit between verse) in favour of not chaning the names of Guantanamo Bay and Abu-Ghuyrab :p

[MidnightHysteria]

Yeah, it was written in two stages - first stage was me feeling all wordy and intellectual, and writing the second, third and fourth stanza. The rest, I force-finished beacuse I desperately need lyrics. I was hoping it wouldn't show, but alas it does.
It always shows, especailly when you haven't revised it to blend them yet, but even after, it's just about always possible to tell if a song were written in fragments and then just slapped together. Moral of the story: write a whole song at a time (I know this isn't always possible, and you probably already know this, but it's the biggest thing in this piece to criticize, so I'm criticizing it).

[zeppelin_freak07]

i think that the words were really powerful and just overall had a lot of meaning. keep this work up. i think you did a wonderful job with rhyming and keeping the meaning in the song. you didnt force rhymes to much, if any. keep coming back cuz i like your stuff