Sherry Lane Shuffle (Serious song)

[sinkman]

Yeah despite the name, this is serious.

=========================================
Your hand shakes trust from what's mine,
Drawing strength from what's unknown
My feet freeze underneath your gaze
All: Somebody help me! I'm turning to stone!

Your fingers have fallen in love with each other
Finding themselves a hiding place behind your back
Wrapping tightly one around the other
Honesty is the one thing that we lack

Did you honestly believe I'd make it home tonight?

Whatever you do, just know that I'll be right behind you.
And at the end you hit the ground to watch the rain fall down on your shaded body.
Know that there's nothing I'd rather do, then watch it destroy you, and ignore your cry for help.
===============================================

Crit it up!

[sinkman]

Gee guys thanks for the crit...

[sinkman]

Are you guys serious? I leave this up for 2 days and noone wants to give it 5 seconds to crit it?

[Corupt2057]

Ill just tell you what sounds good and what doesn't really fit, by changing some of your wording

Your hand shakes trust from what's mine, this sounds good
Drawing strength from what's unknown eh it will work
My feet freeze underneath your gaze cool alliteration of vowel sounds but saying that your feet freeze doesn't really draw any emotion like it would to your heart or soul..
All: Somebody help me! I'm turning to stone!
somebody? you don't need anybody you need someone plus somebody doesn't sound good changes the tone
change turning to stone to into stone, by the way stone is overused sometimes try something else if it fits

each other one another
a hiding place hidden
Wrapping tightly one around the other this line is awkward feels forced give up this rhyme and just use the 4th line rhyme

Honesty is the one thing that we lack
honesty is all that we lack
you don't have to fill in every syllable with a word leave room to carry a note somewhere when it fits

Did you honestly believe I'd make it home tonight?

Whatever you do, just know that I'll be right behind you.
And at the end you hit the ground to watch the rain fall down on your shaded body.
Know that there's nothing I'd rather do, then watch it destroy you, and ignore your cry for help.

this last verse just lacks badly cuz the direction you went ill give you an idea use soemthing like

you made the rain that youve fallen into
build off that

[slack]

Gee guys thanks for the crit...

Why should anyone critique this when you haven't shown any interest in other's writings?

[sinkman]

Ill just tell you what sounds good and what doesn't really fit, by changing some of your wording

Your hand shakes trust from what's mine, this sounds good
Drawing strength from what's unknown eh it will work
My feet freeze underneath your gaze cool alliteration of vowel sounds but saying that your feet freeze doesn't really draw any emotion like it would to your heart or soul..
All: Somebody help me! I'm turning to stone!
somebody? you don't need anybody you need someone plus somebody doesn't sound good changes the tone
change turning to stone to into stone, by the way stone is overused sometimes try something else if it fits

each other one another
a hiding place hidden
Wrapping tightly one around the other this line is awkward feels forced give up this rhyme and just use the 4th line rhyme

Honesty is the one thing that we lack
honesty is all that we lack
you don't have to fill in every syllable with a word leave room to carry a note somewhere when it fits

Did you honestly believe I'd make it home tonight?

Whatever you do, just know that I'll be right behind you.
And at the end you hit the ground to watch the rain fall down on your shaded body.
Know that there's nothing I'd rather do, then watch it destroy you, and ignore your cry for help.

this last verse just lacks badly cuz the direction you went ill give you an idea use soemthing like

you made the rain that youve fallen into
build off that

Thanks very much, I know alot of the lyrics were awkward, but I forced most of it out. Not a very good idea.
The mood changes alot. We seriously go from hardcore to progressive to pop-punk. The whole song is a giant mess woven together. I promise it sounds good though.

[Cactus Joe]

All in all I like it. Personally I don't usually judge by length, but I believe you could fill it out a bit more.

"Your fingers have fallen in love with each other
Finding themselves a hiding place behind your back
Wrapping tightly one around the other
Honesty is the one thing that we lack"

I like this part. When I read it I got a picture of someone doing that fake innocence/ sincerity look.

”Did you honestly believe I'd make it home tonight?"

This is a good line. You might be able to add more to it, although I do like the way it stands by itself. It gives it more impact.

"Know that there's nothing I'd rather do, then watch it destroy you, and ignore your cry for help."

Great ending!

Over-all you may be able to create some more atmosphere by talking a bit more the rain or give it a more defined setting, like evening outside somewhere or something.

Great Job! :thumb:

[sinkman]

All in all I like it. Personally I don't usually judge by length, but I believe you could fill it out a bit more.

"Your fingers have fallen in love with each other
Finding themselves a hiding place behind your back
Wrapping tightly one around the other
Honesty is the one thing that we lack"

I like this part. When I read it I got a picture of someone doing that fake innocence/ sincerity look.

”Did you honestly believe I'd make it home tonight?"

This is a good line. You might be able to add more to it, although I do like the way it stands by itself. It gives it more impact.

"Know that there's nothing I'd rather do, then watch it destroy you, and ignore your cry for help."

Great ending!

Over-all you may be able to create some more atmosphere by talking a bit more the rain or give it a more defined setting, like evening outside somewhere or something.

Great Job! :thumb:

First of all thanks for the crit.

The thing about the fingers I was trying to draw a picture of someone doing that fifth-grade thing where you cross your fingers behind your back.

The thing about making it home, I just wanted something to say there. Yep. Lame huh?

Yes yes, but rain is used in many songs so I don't like using it.

THANKS!

[sinkman]

Why should anyone critique this when you haven't shown any interest in other's writings?




Well I do crit other peoples stuff, just not as often as I should. My crits suck anyway.

[sinkman]

Backflip.

[sinkman]

Last Bump, I promise