A moments peace - crit

[Walrus]

Ending so beautifully my horizon of dreams
In the real world nothing it seems can take its place
Or illusion of thought in a darkness sheet
Reality twined for a moments peace
Don’t take my place for I long to sleep

Hold me, watch me, and forever keep
My state of mind in the rivers deep

Tapestry sown on a velvet sheet with rhyme
Or a naked eye on an acid peak of time
A creators hand too short to reach our awake
Unknowing to understand, rectify or debate
Until the end when my eyes awake, fake

Hold me, watch me, and forever keep
My state of mind in the rivers deep

[Silverhammer]

First of all thanks for the crit, it's greatly appreciated.

this piece has a vast amount of imagery and maybe intended symbols that all have a profound effect of the message of this piece and i commend you on that. However, as i read the second verse it seemed as if some of the lines were put in "just because", with no reason for it's purpose within the piece considering the topic. The first line, sounds great to me, and gracefully flows off the tongue when spoken, which is a big plus. The second line i suggest this:

"In reality nothing it seems can take its place"

the phrase "the real world" seems to bulky there. and to break the monotony of the use of reality, if used in the second line, change the third to this:

"My being twined for a moments peace"

the last line in that verse sounds great, but it doesn’t make sense. i would suggest

"Don't keep my place, for i long to sleep"

or to stay with the idea that is there

"Don’t take my place, while I sleep" or "when i fall asleep"

i know by changing it, the line loses that sound that it had before but to me it didn't make sense, if you could explain it that would be great.

"Hold me, watch me, and forever keep
My state of mind in the rivers deep"

i happen to love these lines which i believe is your chorus. it sounds wonderful and goes with that tranquil state of a moments peace. excellent job there.

The second verse is where i got the idea that these lines were just thrown into the piece with no ties to the main focus or the previous lines. Though they are poetic and filled with imagery and meaning, and sound great, i can't see how some of the lines compliment the song and the previous lyrics.

Overall, the idea you have for the song is perfect as well as the chorus. i suggest that you work on the second verse more and have it tie in with the idea. great job so far though. 5/10.

[FA]

black dot