Cathedral Bells and Marionettes

[FA]

a new draft i be workin' on, it's a little messed up, a little confusing, but i like it, so any opinions or critiques are welcome.

Cathedral Bells and Marionettes
---justinbhughes
--1st draft
-8:29 p.m CST 11.14.05

[v1]
Forget the fifteen steep steps,
you're sure to follow hallways,
kissing cheek-to-cheek, our love is secured on the wall.
Put your feet up on the windowsill,
and swallow the sun in your warm socks.

Burn November on the calendar,
and curl up in grandfather's hands.

Pull the blankets to your chin,
as the moonlight kisses your forehead.
Pendulums swing in rhythm
with the whispers in your ears.
The TV is snowing, and your lips tremble.

I tossed my funds into your fishbowl,
and my dream was sketched in your brain.

[v2]
I stepped outside, and broke the brittle air,
my hands slept in my pockets, and my eyes adapted.
I sauntered down the sidewalk, carefully avoiding the cracks
as lamps passed on a white roped string.

Marionettes crashed into lightposts,
their strings cut from the trees,
The cathedral bells rang miles away,
recognizing a man lost in his coffin.

City lights burn the smog,
that fills the streets in comfort.

[v3]
A thimble on my chest, and a wrinkle in my shirt,
The sun retreats in finding the earth,
and wallows in the clouds silently.
the leaves blanket a patch of grass,
and frost masks the gentle trees.

The wreath on the front door welcomes me,
and the light catches my footsteps,
The warm air swarms the cold on my hands,
her breath swells her chest, as she laughs
at the joker on TV.

The sunset pierces the hills, and her eyelids hang gently,
she closes her eyes, and she is soon writing novels...

[thickasabrick]

When I saw you posted something new, I was very excited. You are my favourite writer on these forums, and up to this point everything you've posted has blown my mind. This new piece is different for me.

I stepped outside, and broke the brittle air,
my hands slept in my pockets, and my eyes adapted.
I sauntered down the sidewalk, carefully avoiding the cracks
as lamps passed on a white roped string.

I like that verse/stanza the best.

Overly, I wasn't too impressed. It all just seems too random and disconnected to be taken seriously....as if you are trying too hard to sound deep and metaphorical. There are a lot of phrases I really like, but as a whole it wasn't very consistent. In my opinion, it seems like you wrote it more for the sake of writing something...and you really didn't have anything meaningful to say. It mostly just strikes me as a bunch of pretty words and phrases on a page, which is not what makes a song/poem "good".

Maybe I just don't get it.

5.5/10 (hey, you still passed!)

[FA]

:P no worries mate, i just thrwe a bunch of lines down and it's kinda how it came out, i do agree with what u said, i know it's not a masterpiece, maybe i'll make it into a better poem/song, but as for now it's more of a dictinoary for me for other poems.

[omgwtfboogie]

I actually like this one.

The first one on here I've actually liked, connected with, etc. Well written, and good job with the free verse style. Rhyming is not necessary and you proved why.

Might want to clear up the subject matter a bit, make it more connected? If you leave it though, you've still got quite the song. Up to you.

[FA]

as for now it's still just a lyrical/line dictionary for me, but if i do expand on it , i'll repost, but don't be suprised if i don't and u see some of htese lines in different poems...

[FA]

Cathedral Bells and Marionettes
---justinbhughes
--2nd draft (2nd draft of a possible 4)
-8:56 p.m CST 11.15.05

[v1]
A locket hangs from her neck,
disregarded and concealed in her breast,
She put her feet up on the windowsill,
and swallowed the sun in her socks.
She burned November on the calendar,
and curled up in grandfather's hands.

Pulled the blankets to her chin,
as the moonlight kissed her forehead.
Pendulums swing in a cadence,
with the whispers in her ears.
The TV is snowing, and lips tremble.
I tossed my funds into the wishing well,
and my dream was stolen, sketched in your brain.

[v2]
I stepped outside, and broke the brittle air,
my hands slept in my pockets, and my eyes adapted.
I sauntered down the sidewalk, carefully avoiding the cracks
as lamps passed on a white roped string,
A baron swept the filth from his stoop.

the bag in my hand, cuts me off,
and the burning in my stomach ignites,
fueling the words from my throat,
a piano quietly pierces the walls of a home,
as i stumble down the sidewalk.

[v3]
Marionettes gallivant in and out of local pubs,
their strings cut from the heavens, into indulgence,
The cathedral bells ring miles, miles away,
recognizing a man remodeling his casket.
Smog uncovers a mirage, a traffic jam,
Smothering the streets in quiet comfort.

[v4]
The sun surrenders in it's peril,
wallowing in the clouds silently.
the leaves blanket a patch of grass,
and frost masks the gentle trees.

The wreath on the front door welcomes me,
and the light catches my footsteps,
The warm air swarms the cold on my hands,
her breath swells her chest, as she laughs
at the joker on TV.

[thickasabrick]

I can't even begin to tell you how much better this version is. It's a lot more cohesive, readable, less random, a lot of the phrases you changed are phenominal, and a lot of the phrases you added in only make the poem better.

I'd do a full crit, but I'm in a extremely shitty mood right now and my proper judgement would probably be impaired.

[ATC]

Cathedral Bells and Marionettes

[v1]
A locket hangs from her neck,
disregarded and concealed in her breast,
She put her feet up on the windowsill,
and swallowed the sun in her socks.
She burned November on the calendar,
and curled up in grandfather's hands.

You do realize that your punctuation at the end of breast is off, dont you? I mean, hell, I like breasts too but I wouldn't put a comma right after them. :lol: There are some nice images here but they don't seem to come together like they should. You have to pick at least one and expand on it because they're images with potential.

Pulled the blankets to her chin,
as the moonlight kissed her forehead.
Pendulums swing in a cadence,
with the whispers in her ears.
The TV is snowing, and lips tremble.
I tossed my funds into the wishing well,
and my dream was stolen, sketched in your brain.
Again, choppy, my friend. You've got great ideas and images. You just leave them there half-baked. The last three lines need no revision, mind. Change them and you die.

[v2]
I stepped outside, and broke the brittle air,
my hands slept in my pockets, and my eyes adapted.
I sauntered down the sidewalk, carefully avoiding the cracks
as lamps passed on a white roped string,
A baron swept the filth from his stoop.
WTF? Where does the baron come from? Dude, cohesiveness is what's not here. You've got great rythm going here. Don't bring barons in from left field and kill it.


Marionettes gallivant in and out of local pubs,
their strings cut from the heavens, into indulgence,
The cathedral bells ring miles, miles away,
recognizing a man remodeling his casket.
Smog uncovers a mirage, a traffic jam,
Smothering the streets in quiet comfort.

This is a wee bit more cohesive. The beginning is weak and feels like you're reaching but it gets better as we go so yea. The concept is cool. Execution is again a little choppy.


The sun surrenders in it's peril,
wallowing in the clouds silently.
the leaves blanket a patch of grass,
and frost masks the gentle trees.

The wreath on the front door welcomes me,
and the light catches my footsteps,
The warm air swarms the cold on my hands,
her breath swells her chest, as she laughs
at the joker on TV.

Now this is much better. You've grounded the reader in one image and you're working around it. I'm only finally getting the sense of the journey home. Much better. I think this could kick *** with a bunch of revisions. Just tone down on your desire to introduce new images everywhere without strengthening the ones you've got first.

Here's mine if you want to crit. http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=414244