hurricane

[Walrus]

Hurricane

Hello remember me
Swimming in the ocean sea
Swimming from the life that’s killing me
Living in a hole that can’t be seen
Hiding away from the hatred
Thinking of all the things I can do
Flying in the sky just me and you

There’s a world of possibilities at the heart of a hurricane
Not knowing where you’re going, or where you’ve been
The world today is in a crazy situation everybody’s fighting for that spot in the sky

Today your gonna see
Just the kinda person in me
There’s no point in trying your too late
You wanted everything on a plate
Well that just cannot be, cannot be
The world is too small for you and me
I don’t care lets wait and see

There’s a world of possibilities at the heart of a hurricane
Not knowing where you’re going, or where you’ve been
The world today is in a crazy situation everybody’s fighting for that spot in the sky

[Muse_]

Hurricane

Hello remember me
Swimming in the ocean sea
Swimming from the life that’s killing me
Living in a hole that can’t be seen
Hiding away from the hatred
Thinking of all the things I can do
Flying in the sky just me and you
Decent. You are setting up a nice trend of really simple lines with a 'nautical theme'. Ocean sea is a bit awkward but workable.
The last four lines of this stanza sucked. You don't present the new ideas in a coherent way. You just throw in lines that work. The last line is the worst. Yeah they rhyme, but do they fit in with what you're saying?

There’s a world of possibilities at the heart of a hurricane
Not knowing where you’re going, or where you’ve been
The world today is in a crazy situation everybody’s fighting for that spot in the sky
I like this a lot. This song shows promise so long as you stick to this central idea.

Today your gonna see
Just the kinda person in me
There’s no point in trying your too late
You wanted everything on a plate
Well that just cannot be, cannot be
The world is too small for you and me
I don’t care lets wait and see
This is a very safe stanza. Not shabby, but the rhymes are a little tired. Go for it and make something interesting. There's nothing to really attack, but this fell a bit flat after the chorus thing.


Not bad, but I have a feeling that if you devote some time to revision and expanding that central hurricane theme it will get a lot better.
Keep trying.

Also, I noticed that you have a couple songs in the forum right now. Make sure you are commenting more often than you are posting songs. Otherwise it makes for unfriendly peers.
:)

[tell.me.something.typical]

Hurricane

Hello remember me
Swimming in the ocean sea
Swimming from the life that’s killing me
Living in a hole that can’t be seen
Hiding away from the hatred
Thinking of all the things I can do
Flying in the sky just me and you

There’s a world of possibilities at the heart of a hurricane
Not knowing where you’re going, or where you’ve been
The world today is in a crazy situation everybody’s fighting for that spot in the sky

Today your gonna see
Just the kinda person in me
There’s no point in trying your too late
You wanted everything on a plate
Well that just cannot be, cannot be
The world is too small for you and me
I don’t care lets wait and see

There’s a world of possibilities at the heart of a hurricane
Not knowing where you’re going, or where you’ve been
The world today is in a crazy situation everybody’s fighting for that spot in the sky
Overall:Very good I like it all up till the line
"There’s no point in trying your too late
You wanted everything on a plate"
This rhyme just doesn't flow well.
I like the topic; not very many people write about hurricanes.
I really like the 3 lines in the middle, perfect chorus.
But that's the only crit I have for you all of the rest is good.
Score:
78%