the darkest winter

[bluefire]

just a song i wrote when i wasn't feeling too good, please crit.

The darkest winter

The darkness of winter has struck one again
The suns searing rays will soon be forgotten
Cold dry winds piercing to the bone
Stormy clouds fill the sky flashing electric light
Those unsheltered face a fearful plight

Watching, waiting
Seething, hating
Malice in its purest form
Darkness, Coldness
Merciless, endless
Destruction soon to be born

The first morning of the long winter ahead
This day is to remember those who are dead
All is silent, only the wind is heard
Rain begins to fall from the black clouds above
The sky cracks open, a great fissure in the sky

Watching, waiting
Seething, hating
Malice in its purest form
Darkness, Coldness
Merciless, endless
Destruction soon to be born

Blood red eyes peer from shadows unknown
All in its presence feel fear from within
The cold silent night is filled with screams
Terror seen in the eyes of many
Nobody knows what is feared

Watching, waiting
Seething, hating
Malice in its purest form
Darkness, Coldness
Merciless, endless
Destruction soon to be born

The mighty force burst out from hiding
Nothing can be done
Death and destruction far and wide
Feel the beast’s powerful wrath it’s cold emotionless stare
Fire burning in a hole where its heart once had been

Watching, waiting
Seething, hating
Malice in its purest form
Darkness, Coldness
Merciless, endless
Destruction soon to be born

The glowing warmth of spring dawns on a new day
A blackened fiery pit had once been the home of many
Now the abode of a single soul, lost and lonely
Carrying the guilt of the past, a weighty burden
Innocent lives lost, in the name of anger and sorrow

[MidnightHysteria]

The darkness of winter has struck one again
The suns searing rays will soon be forgotten
Cold dry winds piercing to the bone
Stormy clouds fill the sky flashing electric light
Those unsheltered face a fearful plight
AABCC... pretty cool. The rhythm's not too bad here either. This is a decent way to set the scene.

Watching, waiting
Seething, hating
Malice in its purest form
Darkness, Coldness
Merciless, endless
Destruction soon to be born
So it seems you're still setting the scene. This stanza isn't actively bad, but it doesn't really add anything new or interesting to the piece either.

The first morning of the long winter ahead
This day is to remember those who are dead
All is silent, only the wind is heard
Rain begins to fall from the black clouds above
The sky cracks open, a great fissure in the sky
Am I missing something? I thought the day to remember the dead was the 31st of October, which generally is not part of winter. Lines 3 and 4 here are pretty cool, but line 5 is quite ugly for a couple of reasons. First among those is that you seem to have abandoned your rhyme scheme. It's a pet peeve of mine when people establish a rhyme scheme in the first verse and then wander off into other ones for later verses (especially if the backing music is basically the same). I'm also very disapproving of the repetition of "sky". The entire second half of this line is completely redundant. I recommend changing either the beginning or the end of it.

Blood red eyes peer from shadows unknown
All in its presence feel fear from within
The cold silent night is filled with screams
Terror seen in the eyes of many
Nobody knows what is feared
The rhyme scheme gets even further abandoned, and it still bothers me. Again I'm also not fond of the redundancy here, this case with all the "fear"and "terror" references.

The mighty force burst out from hiding
Nothing can be done
Death and destruction far and wide
Feel the beast’s powerful wrath it’s cold emotionless stare
Fire burning in a hole where its heart once had been
This is much better than the other stanzas as far as imagery is concerned, but to say that the flow is somewhat off here would be like saying that the sun is somewhat warm.

The glowing warmth of spring dawns on a new day
A blackened fiery pit had once been the home of many
Now the abode of a single soul, lost and lonely
Carrying the guilt of the past, a weighty burden
Innocent lives lost, in the name of anger and sorrow
This is kind of an anticlimax. I was hoping for something a bit more... spectacular as the final stanza. Oh well. What you do have is generally pretty solid, except for the second line. It gives me the impression that many people used to live in a lackened fiery pit, but I think what you mean to say is that many people used to live in a somewhat normal place and now where that once was, one person is living in a fiery blackened pit.

All in all, the piece is not beyond salvation. Other than smaller recommendations given above, I suggest either changing the first two verses not to rhyme, or change all of them but the first so that they do. Also, the plot here seems kinda sluggish. I think removing the third verse would quicken the pace and increase the excitement somewhat.

[bluefire]

thanks for that, i will definately take all of that into consideration and i will re-write it sometime soon.