Leaving Town

[PunkSkater163]

Hey. For those who remember me from a long time ago when I first started writing lyrics...nearly a year ago now I'd say. Well I'm back. A lot better then before to. The first song I think I'll post is something a lot similar to the first and bassicly only song I tried on here the last time. Just to show the differnce from then and now. What does the public think, have I gotten decent?

Leaving Town
Walking around this same damn town
Is growing weary on my feet
Seeing all the same old people pass
I've been seeing week after week
These streets are getting old
The colors are growing dull
Lets hop on the next truck that comes around
Never look back, never turn around

Let's get the f**k out of this place
I say we've been here for to long
seeing all the same sights
We've been seeing all along
Nothing soon is changing
Nothing good is to appear
We'll run the hell away
Pack our bags and get our gear

Walking down these same damn paths
I've been walking down all year
Memorizing all the cracks
Not one new one to appear
Looking at the same walls
Same empty lots and broken windows
I need to find a new sight
Somewhere that feels more real

Let's get the f**k out of this place
I say we've been here for to long
seeing all the same sights
We've been seeing all along
Nothing soon is changing
Nothing good is to appear
We'll run the hell away
Pack our bags and get our gear

[PunkSkater163]

Hey...uhmm. If you guys crit, or even put a post at all, leave a link and I'll do yours. :thumb:

[DeadReligion]

The topic itself is just...dumb. Also, how can a town be weary on your feet? This was obviously some Blink-182 influenced BS. Sorry.

[ITRIEDVOODOOONCE]

child, this is horrible, the ryhmes are forced, the content is horrible

1/10
would have been a 3 if you didnt rhyme around with around, dumbass

[PunkSkater163]

The topic itself is just...dumb. Also, how can a town be weary on your feet? This was obviously some Blink-182 influenced BS. Sorry.
Ok...first of all that doesnt help anything. Second of all wanting to leave your town does not sound like such a bad topic to me. Third off Blink-182 writes a lot of really good lyrics if you took the time to read them. Also, if you looked into it, when I said weary on my feet I was going with the concept of everything is just getting so old and dull. And even if I wasn't walking makes your feet weary, therefor if you are walking around a town your feet will grow weary. :thumb:

[DeadReligion]

It sounded like the town was making your feet weary. Blink-182, like Good Charlotte, Simple Plan, Avril Lavinge, and all the rest of those...punks, are a bunch of idiots, I have heard their lyrics...I don't need to read them to understand them, and realize their lack of creativity. The way you wrote the song makes the topic sound shitty. Lee Ving (Of Fear) did the same topic...and it sounded good. Oh, and yes, don't rhyme a word with itself, EVER. Also, try using some literary techniques...other than (forced) rhyming.

[Sundancekid]

now thats just not very nice is it

[slack]

Regarding the 'issue' of rhyming a word with itself, I don't really see it as a big deal. It's just a repetition of a certain sound, when you get right down to it. Happens all the time in music. Yeah, music. The thing we're supposedly writing these lyrics for. Remember?

To be brief, the problem with this lyric is that you are not saying anything new after stanza one. Yeah, okay, you're tired of running around the same town. Now you need to take that idea and go in a new direction. Don't wallow.

[TojesDolan]

Well, actually we're judging lyrical content here, slackjaw. Not to disagree with you entirely, but we are really looking at what we see here, and we see only words. We can't judge the music that accompanies the lyric, so we can't judge a whole. Although something thorough would be nice for the kid. :-/

Let me tell you something right off the bat, boy: Just seeing punk in your name makes me realize I'm not going to read something with astonishing content, but probably something witty, complainy, whiney or bitchy. Whatever the case is, there are a few things you should consider before attempting something at punk.... let me read the song again, hold on.

...

I see what these people are taalking about. The rhymes weren't EXTREMELY OFFENSIVE as some made me believe, but hell. Everyone gets offended by different things. However, I actually found your song very repetive and at no level fresh, or at least witty. THere are ways to talk about oyur town, what about talking about piss and stupid dogs that sh¡t your lawn? Something more punk-ey.

Burning houses, Killing the mayor... I don't know. Make it more Dead Kennedys and less... Green Day. This sounds a lot like "When I come around", but 12 years later. I do suggest giving this a "funny" angle, just to see how it works. :thumb:

[tell.me.something.typical]

Hey. For those who remember me from a long time ago when I first started writing lyrics...nearly a year ago now I'd say. Well I'm back. A lot better then before to. The first song I think I'll post is something a lot similar to the first and bassicly only song I tried on here the last time. Just to show the differnce from then and now. What does the public think, have I gotten decent?

Leaving Town
Walking around this same damn town
Is growing weary on my feet
Seeing all the same old people pass
I've been seeing week after week
These streets are getting old
The colors are growing dull
Lets hop on the next truck that comes around
Never look back, never turn around

Let's get the f**k out of this place
I say we've been here for to long
seeing all the same sights
We've been seeing all along
Nothing soon is changing
Nothing good is to appear
We'll run the hell away
Pack our bags and get our gear

Walking down these same damn paths
I've been walking down all year
Memorizing all the
Not one new one to appear
Looking at the same walls
Same empty lots and broken windows
I need to find a new sight
Somewhere that feels more real

Let's get the f**k out of this place
I say we've been here for to long
seeing all the same sights
We've been seeing all along
Nothing soon is changing
Nothing good is to appear
We'll run the hell away
Pack our bags and get our gear
Overall: Maybe it's just that fact that I don't like "punk" music and there simple four chord progressions but I don't really like this song. It's not well written. I don't know if you intended it to be like that but you can tell that you like "punk" music, I would suggest listening to some better writers in different styles of music. I also seems cliche, but then again aren't all "punk" song the same?
Score:
58%

[sportfreund]

i like this song...but i really don't see the point of using ****....just makes it sound so lame and trying to be hardcore

[DeadReligion]

This whole "I'm more hardcore than you" and trying to be hardcore is bullshit. That being said, Tojes, DK RULES. Lol. I totally agree with Tojes...green day blows, or at least that was the message you were sending.