Only On Account Of Villiany

[ITRIEDVOODOOONCE]

cmon, doooo it

We'd rather all spill our guts
then be lying dead on the floor
Broken barrels still hit their target
if they are as close as we were

Well Im sorry this love song has a sarcastic tone
But its the only thing to fit this key

So as we clip each others wings
We will fall into a theater
Where we look for flaws in family films
Softly smile as we pull rustic weapons
Nestalgia in the archaic recoil
Now dry your tears
It was an honorable discharge
So like fathers before
And the sons right after
We will march in step
And drown in unheard laughter

[TojesDolan]

Funny thing, I haven't. It's not writer's block, though. It's more of... time off. I will get back to it sometime in the future.

ITRIEDBLACKDOTTINGONCE.

[ITRIEDVOODOOONCE]

thank you tojes, now i must think of a blackdot phrase for one of your pieces.

[--Attaboy_Skip--]

cmon, doooo it

We'd rather all spill our guts
they be lying dead on the floor
Broken barrels still hit their target
if they are as close as we were
The first two lines seem quite morbid right off of the bat however the least two lines are excellent, superb metaphor.

Well Im sorry this love song has a sarcastic tone
But its the only thing to fit this key
OK, these two lines... I don't know, they just don't seem to fit in my mind. Perhaps they flow with the music/rhythm you have in mind but I'm not feeling it. Maybe if it was meant to be spoken during a brief instrumental break?

So as we clip each others wings
We will fall into a theater
Where we look for flaws in family films
Softly smile as pull rustic weapons
Nestalgia in the archaic recoil
Now dry your tears
It was an honorable discharge
So like fathers before
And the sons right after
We will march in step
And drown in unheard laughter
In the third line, do you mean 'Softly smile as *we* pull rustic weapons'? Other than that, no qualms with this stanza.

On the whole, nice work apart from the miniscule things that I mentioned. Good job 8.5/10

[ITRIEDVOODOOONCE]

Thank you for the crit attaboy, The middle lines are actually for a breakdown, and are growled.

[--Attaboy_Skip--]

OK, so I wasn't far off base then.

[ITRIEDVOODOOONCE]

yep (silent bump)

[TojesDolan]

As promised, man. Here's a shiny new crit for you. Don't break it! :D


We'd rather all spill our guts
they be lying dead on the floor
Broken barrels still hit their target
if they are as close as we were


This stanza is... I don't know. It starts in a point I frankly don't really feel comfortable with. "We'd rather all spill our guts, they be lying dead on the floor"... It makes sense... but at the same time it doesn't. There's a little bit of two different points in one stanza. To be honest it's not exactly good, but as stated before, the second group of lines is a great metaphor.

Well Im sorry this love song has a sarcastic tone
But its the only thing to fit this key

Great killer stanza/line. That should keep the bitches in the house. :thumb:

So as we clip each others wings
We will fall into a theater
Where we look for flaws in family films
Softly smile as we pull rustic weapons
Nestalgia in the archaic recoil.
Now dry your tears
It was an honorable discharge
So like fathers before
And the sons right after
We will march in step
And drown in unheard laughter

Nostalgia, I think is the term. This stanza is very, very powerful and meaningful. The rhyme wasn't necessary but really adds up to the rhythm and flow of this stanza... Great stuff.

Overall I liked it, the kick-off lines weren't exactly my favorites, but the rest of the poem is quite amazing. Cheers, man. Hope you score well in the LC. :)

[ITRIEDVOODOOONCE]

thank you man, the first lines are a bit shaky, but for now its all i got. I will put this crit right next to my finest china :thumb:

[tell.me.something.typical]

cmon, doooo it

We'd rather all spill our guts
they be lying on the floor
Broken barrels still hit their target
if they are as close as we were

Well Im sorry this love song has a sarcastic tone
But its the only thing to fit this key

So as we clip each others wings
We will fall into a theater
Where we look for flaws in family films
Softly smile as we pull rustic weapons
Nestalgia in the archaic recoil
Now dry your tears
It was an honorable discharge
So like fathers before
And the sons right after
We will march in step
And drown in unheard laughter
Overall:
The only thing I really don't like about this is the first stanza, it has grammar mistakes, which I'm sure you didn't mean to do that, but it is just worded wrong or something; I can't explain it really. Other than that it's perfect. The last stanza is very very good, probably one of the best I've seen. I like the way you write.
Score:
96% (Would have probably gave you a hundred, but the whole first stanza I didn't like to much. But it is still the highest score I've given.)

[ITRIEDVOODOOONCE]

thanks man, that means alot.