"We're Sorry But Your Last Meal Was Called On Account Of Rain"

[Solar]

"We're Sorry But Your Last Meal Was Called On Account Of Rain"

It's a waste of violence these days,
When all you need to finish the job,
Is a good stab, or a right jab,
It's a waste that people die so easily now.
So call me up to confuse me,
Thirteen brawls later I have a better idea,
Of what's going on around me,
Then I do after one five minute phone call with you.

Upbraid me, upbraid,
You were the girl that made me,
Send me down in a spiral.
Didn't you know I'm the one,
The one who puts the "fun" in "funeral".

So it's 2 am and I'm typing,
Rewriting lines that don't match the time,
Of a love song, of what went wrong.
In a life of claustrophobia.
And baby when I tell you not to touch that,
I don't mean to sound so angry,
I don't try and shout to make you pout,
But there's something in your eyes that makes me crazy.

Upbraid me, upbraid,
You were the girl that made me,
Send me down in a spiral.
Didn't you know I'm the one,
The one who puts the "fun" in "funeral".

Read it aloud, read out the verdict.
It's a sentence that is long past due.
I murdered your senses and now you're an addict.
But at least you're still around to screw.

Upbraid me, upbraid,
You were the girl that made me,
Send me down in a spiral.
Didn't you know I'm the one,
The one who puts the "fun" in "funeral".

crit for crit, leave a link here

[thickasabrick]

I don't really like doing crits for songs, unless they are obviously horrible...I just find it hard trying to tell someone that their lines aren't meaningful enough, or are too deep for a song or anything like that. I couldn't find a lot of stuff in this song I would change, I just quoted a few lines.

Then I do after one five minute phone call with you.
I find that hard to read, let alone sing. You could easily find some different wording that would make it flow a lot better. It could be shortened up a little too maybe, someting like "Than I do after a phone call with you." It's basically just the "one five minute" that seems to obstruct things.

The one who puts the "fun" in "funeral".
Clever, but it sort of lessens the impact of the song...makes it seem more childish or like a joke (Blink 182?). I don't know if I would bother changing it, but if you had any other lines you considered using, I'd maybe try them out just to see if they work better.

And baby when I tell you not to touch that,
I don't mean to sound so angry,
I don't try and shout to make you pout,
But there's something in your eyes that makes me crazy
This is sounding a little cliche, and the rhyme seems a little forced. "I don't try and shout to make you pout" is probably one of the weakest lines in the song.

Read it aloud, read out the verdict.
It's a sentence that is long past due.
I murdered your senses and now you're an addict.
But at least you're still around to screw.

I really liked this stanza/verse. Definitely the best in the song. The last line is a little childish, like the "fun in funeral" line...I suggest changing it if you are trying to convey a certain level of seriousness, but if this is more of a lighthearted playful song then I wouldn't worry about it.

Overall, I couldn't find anything totally wrong in this song, but I didn't find anything I would classify as brilliant. I'd say you managed to write a song that I feel totally neutral about (for better or worse). 6/10, you could easily get it up to 7/10 if you added some more metaphors and stuff like that...it just seemed a little basic and childish for someone your age.

[Solar]

Yeah, well I've been looking to use that "fun in funeral" line for a while and I thought it'd fit well with the music (this song is kind've a little faster and more upbeat than others) but I'll look through it and see what I can change.

Thanks for the crit, anything you want me to crit for you?

[thickasabrick]

Well as long as this isn't like a super-serious song, then I wouldn't worry about the "fun in funeral" line.

And I don't really have anything for you to crit at this point in time, but thanks anyways.

[tell.me.something.typical]

"We're Sorry But Your Last Meal Was Called On Account Of Rain"

It's a waste of these days,
When all you need to finish the job,
Is a good stab, or a right jab,
It's a waste that people die so easily now.
So call me up to confuse me,
Thirteen brawls later I have a better idea,
Of what's going on around me,
Then I do after one five minute phone call with you.

Upbraid me, upbraid,
You were the that made me,
Send me down in a spiral.
Didn't you know I'm the one,
The one who puts the "fun" in "funeral".

So it's 2 am and I'm typing,
Rewriting lines that don't match the time,
Of a love song, of what went wrong.
In a life of claustrophobia.
And baby when I tell you not to touch that,
I don't mean to sound so angry,
I don't try and shout to make you pout,
But there's something in your eyes that makes me crazy.

Upbraid me, upbraid,
You were the that made me,
Send me down in a spiral.
Didn't you know I'm the one,
The one who puts the "fun" in "funeral".

Read it aloud, read out the verdict.
It's a sentence that is long past due.
I ed your senses and now you're an addict.
But at least you're still around to screw.

Upbraid me, upbraid,
You were the that made me,
Send me down in a spiral.
Didn't you know I'm the one,
The one who puts the "fun" in "funeral".

crit for crit, leave a link here
Overall:Oh man I love this. I have no crit, it's very well written. Imagery in this is great.
Score:
88%