A Rose from the Ashes - crit for crit

[--Attaboy_Skip--]

Wow, it's been a LONG time since I last posted on good ol' MusicianForums.com. I haven't been up to much writing since I last posted on here; not that what I posted was any good (at least compared to most of you, I'm sure you know who you are ;)) but for the last few months I've actually gotten into writing short stories (espionage/spy fiction to be more specific) with satisfying results. Anyways, I have recently composed a poem (short but sweet? :p), initially for an english poetry assignment, I actually have taken quite a liking to it. Leave a link to one of your own pieces and I shall surely return the favour; so without further ado I give you...

A Rose from the Ashes
Kyle A. Belanger

A rose from the ashes,
That’s strong and alluring,
Blooms in a sun-stained shower.
Its face brightly flashes
Its beams so assuring
Yet beneath she’s a different flower;
One that’s always hindered
By gales and scourge of flame
And in the end, amongst the cinders
The sturdy rose remains.


- Cheers

[FA]

is this finished?

[MidnightHysteria]

Pretty classy stuff. However, I get the impression that the first two lines of the second stanza are fluff. I know you were trying to go for the rhyme here, and personally I always prefer when writers get the content down more thoroughly and then only rhyme if it makes sense to do so.

[--Attaboy_Skip--]

To answer your question, justinhughes2, yes this is finished. It was only written as part of an english assignment so I didn't want to put too much into it. The entire idea behind the song is explained in these two stanzas, I don't really see much need to embellish upon it. This poem is about this friend of mine (who so happens to be a girl, go figure :rolleyes:) and who is nice and kind and compassionate towards everyone but her life is very troublesome; there are many feuds that go on at her house and sometimes between her and her boyfriend (who just so happens to be my best friend of 13 years) and yet she's always strong and pushes through it all.

To MidnightHysteria: how are the first two lines fluff? Do you think that they could be worded differently? How can I improve them? And I know that the last quatrain is quite awkward so is there, perhaps, some way to word it better? I sort of wrapped this poem up in a hurry so I didn't really have time to try and word it better.

Any suggestions for improving this will be much appreciated!

PS MidnightHysteria, did you have a piece that you wanted me to lend a few words to?

[MidnightHysteria]

To MidnightHysteria: how are the first two lines fluff? Do you think that they could be worded differently? How can I improve them? And I know that the last quatrain is quite awkward so is there, perhaps, some way to word it better? I sort of wrapped this poem up in a hurry so I didn't really have time to try and word it better.

Any suggestions for improving this will be much appreciated!

PS MidnightHysteria, did you have a piece that you wanted me to lend a few words to?

I have serveal suggestions, but ultimately changing the piece is up to you. First off, since the idea is a continuation of that in the final lines in the first stanza, it might be better not to have a break there. If you don't do this, it would probably be best to replace "One that's" with "Her flower is" or something else with similar effect, just for the sake of not being confusing. What's more annoying to me is the second line. Thunder is just noise; it can't ravage anything. If you're insistent upon keeping the rhyme, you may want to change this to "lightning flashes" but if you aren't, I think it would be good to have something that more explicitly meantions fire or flame, because that's what creates ashes.

And to answer your other question, no. I don't really write lyrics terribly often, and I only post about half of them, so right now there's nothing of mine on this forum.

[--Attaboy_Skip--]

Thank you, MidnightHysteria, your suggestions have been most appreciated and taken into consideration in my revision.

[--Attaboy_Skip--]

BUMP

Sorry, I know it's small but I'm still curious as to how it is; I need a little more feedback - remember this is a crit for crit basis, just leave me a link and I'll get on one of your pieces.

[ITRIEDVOODOOONCE]

My only help that i can give is that maybe add in how the flower returned from the ashes. Aside from that your ryhme scheme is solid and you basically cover all the bases you bring up in the story, not a half bad job :thumb:

[--Attaboy_Skip--]

I actually have considered that but I just couldn't think of how I could present the idea.