Your typical "Oh please come back" song.

[DaveIsWrong]

Well, it's not done. I have the guitar track laid out, and I'm starting the lyrics. Here's what I have so far, any critques would be great. And yes, I know it's not alot. But with the proper amount of time, I think I could make something of it.

I watched
Our relationship die
Like a cigarette burning in the dark.

So I inhale
Every last memory,
Like the poison that you are.

You said you'd end my suffering
And everything that brought pain to me.
But you've become what you fought to destroy.
Say hello to your newest broken boy.

And now I hate
Every couple I see walking these streets.
But my hate is justified, cause
Well they're not you and me.

Yes, extremely cliche I know. That last two stanzas I just freestyled over the guitar while I was recording the first part. Any ideas would be great. I couldn't think of any more to go along with the cigarette metaphor, I just used it as an intro.

[Iron_Weed]

I watched
Our relationship die
Like a cigarette burning in the dark.

Try and rephrase "Relationship die" to something more interesting. Your last line is good, interesting simile. (Perhaps you could change your first two lines to something like, "I felt our binding light die", I dunno just occured to me, take it or leave it)

So I inhale
Every last memory,
Like the poison that you are.

I like this, no real complaints.

You said you'd end my suffering
And everything that brought pain to me.
But you've become what you fought to destroy.
Say hello to your newest broken boy.

Very good last two lines, nice flow. First two could possibly be phrased better. They're just not put forward in a very interesting way. Think of what you were trying to say and rewrite it in a more creative way.

And now I hate
Every couple I see walking these streets.
But my hate is justified, cause
Well they're not you and me.

Good message but again this isn't put forth as well as it could be.

Okay, I thought you managed to avoid cliche quite well despite the very cliched subject matter. Try rewriting some of this and it could be very good. This is jam packed with emotion and I can feel it came straight from the heart and it puts the reader/ listener in your shoes. Good work.

8/10

If you thought my crit was helpful to you would you mind having a look at my newest song? It's on the first page. Cheers.

Edit: And don't forget to nominate a couple of people in the Top 100 Professinal Lyricists Thread! (Shameless advertising)

[DaveIsWrong]

bump back to the first page.

[thickasabrick]

Iron Weed said everything that was needed to say. I thought it was well done, but a few of the ideas were put quite blandly...nothing that hasn't been done before. You had some good original ideas that I really liked. Once again, Iron Weed said it all.

If you changed the lines Iron Weed suggested, I would give this a 8/10.

[Imzachbrown]

I like this alot but as previously mentioned Iron Weed gave you all the crit you need so there's no point in me just repeating what he said. I would like to see how this song will turn out when you finish it.
Score:
85%