please, give your opinion on that poem

[Jubella]

A wrote this song/poem, (whatever, i never know if i'm gonna put music on it or not!) some time ago and would like to have comments on it. Surrely are some mistakes, i'm not so good in english, notice them to me please! It is a long one, sorry..!


Sweet lovers death

It felt like a movie that can barely be seen
How sweet lovers are gonna be kill:

She blew him a metal kiss.
Ferrous blood stocked in his veins,
His brain got crash like a ripe fruit.
A clot was born, blushing their love.
But tell her she doesn’t have to worry:
Her wedding dress will be perfect for this funeral.

Those afternoons spent in the dark
Were such bright days he didn’t see.
Coma kept him away from the shower
What a pity: rain is rarely salty here.
Her, got soaked and water’s still on her lungs.
They guess this is the reason why
Her heart’s skin got all split and burned.
When she hold her breath, she blow radioactive bubbles.

He awoke, leaving the haze, cutting his wings.
They cut his wings, burned their feathers.
No angel anymore, they should have tell her before.
This love had become a ghost,
Cooling her and hunting him.
As he sang, serenade took a macabre look.
Do they know that nothing will be save?

They made a hole in his head..
She didn’t know that nurses were bitches.
He didn’t know he was in love.
They both ignored that none of this really exist.
Ignorance kill, certainty murder!
He was inaccurate, inaccurate.
But she got shot all the same, all the same.
And the best gift he ever gave her, as an eternal mark of his love:
This hole in her chest…

[MidnightHysteria]

Most of your ideas are great, and your wording is okay too, except that I really dislike the second line; it gives away the plot of the rest of the piece. Other than that, the only things that you need to fix are the tenses on your verbs and a couple of other little grammatical errors. If I changed those, and nothing else, the piece would look like:

It felt like a movie that can barely be seen
How sweet lovers are gonna be killed:

She blew him a metal kiss.
Ferrous blood stocked in his veins,
His brain got crashed like a ripe fruit.
A clot was born, blushing their love.
But tell her she doesn’t have to worry:
Her wedding dress will be perfect for this funeral.

Those afternoons spent in the dark
Were such bright days he didn’t see.
Coma kept him away from the shower
What a pity: rain is rarely salty here.
She got soaked and water’s still on her lungs.
They guess this is the reason why
Her heart’s skin got all split and burned.
When she holds her breath, she blows radioactive bubbles.

He awoke, leaving the haze, cutting his wings.
They cut his wings, burned their feathers.
No angel anymore, they should have told her before.
This love had become a ghost,
Cooling her and hunting him.
As he sang, serenade took a macabre look.
Do they know that nothing will be safe?

They made a hole in his head..
She didn’t know that nurses were bitches.
He didn’t know he was in love.
They both ignored that none of this really existed.
Ignorance kills, certainty murders!
He was inaccurate, inaccurate.
But she got shot all the same, all the same.
And the best gift he ever gave her, as an eternal mark of his love:
This hole in her chest…

[thickasabrick]

Overall I really liked it, very original phrases and ideas. Your English could use some work, but no one can hold that against you. I think the only real problems stem from grammatical errors....so I'd say you've got yourself a pretty good poem there. 8/10

[Jubella]

thanks to both of you for your comments, really appreciate them :) ! Midnighthysteria, you were right about the second line, i'm gonna change it. thanks for the corrections!

[barney]

Excellent poem dude.

[DNA]

thanks for the crit, appreciate it, i changed the chorus a bit.
I'll have to agree with the rest: Cut the second line, work on your tenses. Eglish is clearly not your first language which is a good thing and bad thing (which i won't hold against you since english is my third language) it gives you more insight to the origin of the language but you will have the tendency to use cliche phrases (of which i didn't see many in this piece :))

there are a few words of which i think you should use metaphors for instead of the actual word like the word 'coma' in Coma kept him away from the shower

anyways i really enjoyed reading it and thanks for the crit.