Attention Grabing Title!!!!!

[Iron_Weed]

This is a song I wrote last night, still in 2nd draft status. I haven't been writing a lot lately so I was happy just to get it out of me, regardless of whether it's good or not. Oh well, tell me what you think, I will crit for crit.

Hey silent watcher
I’ve got a little show for you
We can bathe in sulfur
We can kiss the glowing moon
Hey desperate talker
Have you seen my latest wound?
If I wasn’t sober
Then I would kick it right back to you

Hey cold restrainer
Just the sight won’t warm my bones
It’s a cosmic drainer
And it hit a little close to home
Hey regulator
Can you match the wing that’s flown?
Did I break the temper?
Have I made my presence known?

Close the gate over my mind
Drop the spray into my flames
Leave and leave behind your fountain
Burn your way into my frame

Hey distant screamer
Have you found another key?
When you drown in embers
Take a snapshot for me
Hey hate receiver
Did you fake another scene?
I’m a constant dreamer
Till the moment I fall asleep

Close the gate over my mind
Drop the spray into my flames
Leave and leave behind your fountain
Burn your way into my frame

[Borkola]

You're pretty good at rhyming. Keep up the good work.

[thickasabrick]

I liked it. I'm not in the mood for doing a big crit, but I couldn't find many things that I would really want to change anyways...it would definitely make a cool song. Any ideas for music yet?

[Iron_Weed]

Thanks guys, glad you liked it. Really no idea what kind of music I'll end up putting it to, but I've been jaming around with a few tunes lately so I'll see if it works with any of those.

[Happy_Squirrel]

Well, I didn't really understand most of what you were writing about. However, it flows well and you've got great imagery sprinkled throughout. Sorry for not giving a more in-depth crit, but nothing particularly stood out as bad or out-of-place. Nice job. :)

[MidnightHysteria]

The only line I didn't love was "hey hate receiver" becuase hate receiver is a rather awkward-sounding phrase when you say it aloud. If anyone can find much more negative to say about this, it would be Dancin' Man, because he does that a lot. 9½/10.

PS. For many of us, seeing that you're posting a work is attention-grabbing enough without this thread's title.

[Iron_Weed]

Thanks for your opinions, always appreciated.

To midnight hysteria: Haha, yeah I know the title was a bit cheap, but I didn't want to just call it untitled.

[DaveIsWrong]

This is a song I wrote last night, still in 2nd draft status. I haven't been writing a lot lately so I was happy just to get it out of me, regardless of whether it's good or not. Oh well, tell me what you think, I will crit for crit.

Hey silent watcher
I’ve got a little show for you
We can bathe in sulfur
We can kiss the glowing moon
Hey desperate talker
Have you seen my latest wound?
If I wasn’t sober
Then I would kick it right back to you

Hey cold restrainer
Just the sight won’t warm my bones
It’s a cosmic drainer
And it hit a little close to home
Hey regulator
Can you match the wing that’s flown?
Did I break the temper?
Have I made my presence known?

Close the gate over my mind
Drop the spray into my flames
Leave and leave behind your fountain
Burn your way into my frame

Hey distant screamer
Have you found another key?
When you drown in embers
Take a snapshot for me
Hey hate receiver
Did you fake another scene?
I’m a constant dreamer
Till the moment I fall asleep

Close the gate over my mind
Drop the spray into my flames
Leave and leave behind your fountain
Burn your way into my frame

I know I owe you an in-depth crit like you did for mine, but I'm more of a person that looks more at the work as a whole. Overall, I loved it. The only part that got to me was the "Leave and leave behind your fountain." The repeating of the word "leave" just kind of threw me off a bit. If there's any special intention behind it well then by all means leave it, but it just threw me off. But again, overall, the writing was great, and the flow was excellent.

[Leaves]

I rather liked "Leave and leave behind your fountain". Just so you know.

If anyone says anything about it "rhyming too much" I'll punch them :;). This is a superb example of effective rhyming at its best. Nothing in the piece seemed forced or out of place.

I'll have to read it a couple more times before I get a sense of the meaning, but I like it a lot.

[DeadReligion]

I thought the title was a joke on that person who put "THE BEST SONG EVER!!!" As a title to their thread, to grab attention, so I found it amusing. This song sounds....horrorpunkish, not a bad thing, I like it, and it's cool how alot of the rhymes are simple yet don't seem really forced. I'm not in the mood for a full crit, sorry, but it's good. Also, grabbing has two b's ;-).

[Iron_Weed]

Thanks guys, Leaves, I'll give your new song a look sometime. Yeah, the title was somewhat of a piss take of the cheap attempts of attention grabbing I see around here, plus I couldn't think of a good name. I realised that spelling msitake just after I posted it too. :p Thanks again to everyone who took the time to read this.

Edit: Oh, I see Dead Religon has a piece up also, I'll get around to that one too.

[flywithdiamonds]

I wish I could offer a better critique but there were to many abstractions in the piece that distant the reader to the extent that I had no idea what's going on. However it stands well as song as it reads well and flows throughout, for me it was just a shame that I couldn't understand your imagery because of the lack of grounding before hand. Also you may want to think whether you want 3 rhetorical questions in a row.