The War Of Me

[DeadReligion]

This isn't about me, if you can figure out who it's about, well...congratulations, this will be hard for some, easier for some...there are two hints. But anyway, here it is...


The War Of Me

(Verse 1)
Mindfully mindless
Dichotomous alliance
Fighting in a desert
Painfully bright sun
On a painfully hot day
It’s a war of me

(Verse 2)
I drop a grenade, to make some noise
But it explodes silently
I put pen to paper
Writing invisibly
Running fast as I can
In slow motion and am not seen
I punch you, you don’t feel me
Feeling dead, barely out of my teens

(Verse 3)
I’ve got an Aspirin aspiration
In my knife life
I’m so sorry Teddy
Been a real bad wife
I must leave you now
On a train of endless dreams
Into an eternal night

[Happy_Squirrel]

Mindfully mindless
Dichotomous alliance
Fighting in a desert
Painfully bright sun
On a painfully hot day
It’s a war of meI really dig the first two lines. 3rd and 4th seem kind of bland, but I like how you continue the description in line 5. Last line: ehhh...you almost have me. "It's a war of me" just doesn't sound quite right. I'm not sure what to suggest because I'm not quite sure what you're trying to express here.

I drop a grenade, to make some noise
But it explodes silently
I put pen to paper
Writing invisibly
Running fast as I can
In slow motion and am not seen
I punch you, you don’t feel me
Feeling dead, barely out of my teensI love the first two lines, except that the second seems like it needs another word or two to even out the flow. The rest of the verse seems to shift between a variety of topics and places, and I'm guessing that you're moving in and out of the figurative and literal quite liberally here, but it's hard to tell. I guess that this verse would work better for me if I could figure out a common bond between all of these thoughts.

I’ve got an Aspirin aspiration
In my knife life
I’m so sorry Teddy
Been a real bad wife
I must leave you now
On a train of endless dreams
Into an eternal night Killer first line. Second line seems too curt. It seems like you're trying to describe something deep here with "knife life" but it's just not getting across (IMO). The whole "endless dreams/eternal night" dichotomy sounds rather cliche to me.

A great start. I think that you've got some interesting imagery here. The flow needs some work. As mentioned before, I also think that some of these thoughts don't flow together well, at least from the reader's point of view. Hopefully someone more intelligent than me can give you some better advice. :)

I won't venture a guess as to the identity of the story's protagonist. Each time I thought I had it figured out you threw me off with a left turn.

[TojesDolan]

Mindfully mindless
Dichotomous alliance
Fighting in a desert
Painfully bright sun
On a painfully hot day
It’s a war of me

I've always had a thing for oxymorons in writing or contradictory ideas.... whichever you may want to call it, so I really dig the first lines... What Squirrel said is right, the next lines are bland compared to trhe first lines... I don't know. It coud be worded better.

I drop a grenade, to make some noise
But it explodes silently
I put pen to paper
Writing invisibly
Running fast as I can
In slow motion and am not seen
I punch you, you don’t feel me
Feeling dead, barely out of my teens

Same little complain. It kicks off amazingly, it lowers down the tone as it walks... i don't know what to say. It's alright, but it's way to spastic in some areas, and it goes here and there...

I’ve got an Aspirin aspiration
In my knife life
I’m so sorry Teddy
Been a real bad wife
I must leave you now
On a train of endless dreams
Into an eternal night

mmm... This is awesome! I really enjoyed it. It's a good finishing line, you really hit the nail here. Overall it's a good poem, with a few holes in the redaction here and there, but it's a great one, indeed. Keep working on it, it has potential in my opinion. :)

[BlackVanillaSky]

Hey, I enjoyed this overall. But there are some things I liked and some I didn't.

"Mindfully mindless
Dichotomous alliance
Fighting in a desert
Painfully bright sun
On a painfully hot day
It’s a war of me"


Nice, but I can't decide if I like painfully being used twice. It does put the emphasis on well..pain you're experiencing, but I find it can also be redundant. In this case, I can't decide.

"I drop a grenade, to make some noise
But it explodes silently
I put pen to paper
Writing invisibly
Running fast as I can
In slow motion and am not seen
I punch you, you don’t feel me
Feeling dead, barely out of my teens"

Really really like this verse. It shows your struggle, but it's really not cliche. The only problem are the last two lines, I don't like them as much.

"I’ve got an Aspirin aspiration
In my knife life
I’m so sorry Teddy
Been a real bad wife
I must leave you now
On a train of endless dreams
Into an eternal night"

Wow, that first line is a great one. Very nice. I don't like "endless" and "eternal" though. They're used way too often.

Other than that, excellent job. I enjoyed it.

If you have the time, http://www.musicianforums.com/forums/showthread.php?p=10391256#post10391256

That's mine, I'd appreciate it if you crit it. Thanks.

[DeadReligion]

The song is about suicide, pain and frustration, for those of you who didn't get that. The second verse was especially focused on frustration in...not being seen and understood and all that. This isn't about me, as I said before...this is about Sylvia Plath, an old poet.