A Day Without Rain [Archive] - Music & Musician Forums

factor46

10-26-2005, 07:00 AM

A poem. It's quite simple. But I was in a simple mood. Next time I'll post something more abstract. Comment if you wish. Thanks. :thumb:

A Day Without Rain

She ran and I laughed,
Oh how we love to laugh..
But it was so long ago.
Salvage the moment and don't pretend,
It won't be here forever.
And the wind, how it blows through her hair,
I've never seen anything more graceful..
But it was so long ago.
And who says we can't return to the way things were?
It wasn't me, that's for sure.
Cause I'll be here forever.

ITRIEDVOODOOONCE

10-26-2005, 01:48 PM

Love the meaning behind this one but yet it seems a bit, i dont know.... bland?

The repeat of " But it was so long ago" is ok, nothing overly great or inticing.
If you plan on keeping it this length i would suggest giving some more emphasizing word use. But i do love the last three lines, those are awesome.
If you dont plan on keeping it this length it is a good start, and to finish would deserve a second post.

slack

10-26-2005, 09:45 PM

Yeah, I agree that it is kind of plain. There just wasn't an image I could latch onto, you know? Something that burned itself into my brain. And the repetition kind of gives it a melodramatic feel that I didn't like.

I think removing some of the trite details in favor of a single, vivid, crazy, unique image could make this a lot better.

Lengthening it might work, too. :D

factor46

10-27-2005, 05:11 AM

I had warned you of it's simplicity even before I typed the poem in. But thanks for the comments guys.

jimbob2222

10-27-2005, 05:36 AM

pretty kool , simple but slightly poetic i like it =P

youneverevenknew

10-28-2005, 10:24 PM

simple can be good... sumtimes... and ur just good enough to make simple work...the meaning behind it says enough... i like it...

Imzachbrown

10-31-2005, 05:00 PM

Very good imagery and (like everyone else said) simply. Just to let you know your one of my favorite writers on here, love your lyrics.

factor46

11-01-2005, 05:24 AM

Haha, wow, thank you. *feels appreciated* :lol:

darrell

11-01-2005, 06:14 AM

Haha, wow, thank you. *feels appreciated* :lol:

He only has 11 posts, so don't feel too appreciated. :lol:

I like your stuff too.

Ma Cherie

11-01-2005, 11:49 AM

beautiful

factor46

11-01-2005, 01:46 PM

Thank you guys. :)