Revolution Producer (RP)

[DeadReligion]

Revolution Producer (RP)

(Verse 1)
You are the creator of a product,
That is not, mass produced,
To end the pain induced,
A crusher of already cracked dreams,
Cut the leather that protects their theory,
Destroy their alliance to the KKK,
(Verse 1 end)

(Verse 2)
Riding on the bus, riding on the bus,
Sitting next to bums, look at THAT open seat,
You’re the meat they’ve picked to eat,
Tear away your skin, take everything
Down to the cold white bone
Their teeth have scratched the surface,
Until the bone, leaps to life,
And hits them across the face,
Like a woman that col-cocked,
A man for a sex joke,
The point of the bone,
Cuts them deep,
(Verse 2 end)

(Verse 3)
Acts of defiance,
Shock the naïve,
They can’t believe what you’ve done,
Stuck in their modern day
Masturbation fantasy,
Hold on to your seat,
It’s going to be a bumpy ride
(Verse 3 end)

(Verse 4)
The white side doesn’t always win,
The black queen, devoured all their pawns,
Suddenly bishops start falling,
Rooks cave in,
The white queen, is found,
Murdered on the bed,
On blood-soaked sheets
With a knife in her lung,
Will this game end in a stalemate?
(Verse 4 end)

[DeadReligion]

BUMPITY BUMP BUMP BUMP. Lol, PLEASE CRIT.

[red n black]

First I thought it sounded like nonsense, then I started to like it, but now I'm back to the nonsense thing again.

I don't see any connections whatsoever anywhere.

And you change the "subject" all the time:

Verse 1: you don't like 'something' and want to destroy it. And the KKK reference is, less good IMO.

Verse2: The repeating of the first line is annoying and the rest is mainly about the human body. you changed the subject from things you don't like to the body.

Verse3: The words you use tells me you want it to sound like 'someones' better than everyone else. But your sticking to the subject with the masturbation line. And the "bumpy ride" reminds me of the V2 line 'Riding the buss'.

Verse 4: You change the subject, not really, but you've changed the laguage from very direct to metaphoric by using chess. With the second last sentence you kill a woman. Why? You have'nt used that earlier in the song. And IMO the last lines are very 'bloody, murderish' stuff, it is'nt appealing. But maybe that isn't the point?.

Note: Above I'm assuming it's you telling the "story" if that isn't the case I'm sorry.

[DeadReligion]

Actually, all the murder stuff is metaphorical, they aren't killing anyone. They are hurting people with words, but I didn't want to say some cliche line about "your words shoot me like weapons" or something, I did that once already. And the masturbation fantasy thing is a joke. I'm talking about a fantasy, but it isn't one that would spike someone's, in the words of Michael Guarino "prurient interest". If anyone can figure out who this song is about, I'll give them a crit freebie, in addition to the one they would naturally get in return...

[red n black]

Oh and I give it 6.5/10

[slack]

It's about Rosa Parks.

I thought it was pretty decent overall, although the metaphor really ought to be clearer. Here's an example:

Their teeth have scratched the surface,

I can kind of see where you're going here, but I think teeth is the wrong image. Tongues or barbed tongues (ooh, scary) might be a more apt description if you're meaning to say they've harmed the person with their words. Of course, then it wouldn't be as much about scratching as it would a good lashing, or burning, or uh ... something.

Another point to consider is that your imagery isn't integrated that well. Waiting until verse four to introduce the chess theme is a little late in the game, I'd say. Not to mention it's a widely used metaphor. If you do decide to stick with it, though, I'd suggest using it as a template for the entire piece. Think about it: everytime a chess piece moves, they give up the ground they used to occupy and/or control, which is effectively like giving up their seat.

Stuck in their modern day
Masturbation fantasy,

The bolded part just seems unnecessary to me. Also reads better without.

Overall, it's too vague for my tastes. Sure, you drop some good hints here and there, but with stanza one, for example, everything except for the last line is extremely vague. This is basically how it is throughout the lyric: you've got a few really specific details and a lot of ambiguity. What I mean by ambiguity is, although you did include a lot of specific descriptions, they didn't tie in with the metaphor that well. The last half of verse two is an example, as well as this part of verse four:

Suddenly bishops start falling,
Rooks cave in,
The white queen, is found,
Murdered on the bed,
On blood-soaked sheets
With a knife in her lung,

I understand the pawns signify the everyman, but who are the bishops? The rooks? The white queen? Why is "Murdered on the bed" an important detail? Why is there a "knife in her lung", as opposed to her heart?

So, ... I guess the way I see it is you can completely retool this, clarify the imagery, and stick with an overall theme, like chess, or you can keep it as-is and end up with a slightly above average piece.

70%

[DeadReligion]

Good job, you guessed, it, lol...I didn't use heart because I think it's used too much. Also, when I think of voices, I think of them coming from the lungs, so maybe to stop her from shouting racist comments?

[RollerQueen]

As stated elsewhere, I'm dealing with a heavily blistered right index finger from doctor-given frostbite and a possible broken wrist, so I'll comment as much as I can until I can't type.

Yeah, it's obviously about Rosa Parks, considering her recent death, the subject matter, the dreams/KKK thing, and the initials of the song's title.

I agree that the "masturbation fantasy" line doesn't quite fit. Also, the verse endmarkers are superfluous given that you mark the beginning of each new verse. Lose the commas in the middle of the lines as they're disjunctive, grammatically incorrect, and slow the piece down at the wrong times. Overall, you've taken note of Rosa's history adequately enough, but if you're going for gruesome imagery to an artistic effect, you fall short, and it indeed is a bit vague, but that happens. It's not terrible, and not with as much vitriol as the average political situation-driven song on here is (and even then, this one's political background is black and white, if you can forgive my unintentional pun). Given her action's backlash, you could do well to expand on the situation and give it more substance, to put the meat on the bones that were so ready to be cleaved in the first place. Still, you put out a decent piece shortly after she died, so kudos for that. Get more concrete.

hand = el super pain

Thanks for critiquing my piece. Take care now.